WARNING: This post contains an ultrasound picture. I completely understand if anyone wants to turn away now.
I have another OBGYN appointment tomorrow, with one of Dr. C’s colleagues. For the first time in the history of all of my “baby appointments,” I’m not nervous. I haven’t been counting down the days to the appointment. I don’t even have any topics or concerns to talk to the doctor about. I’m just “chill.”
That is not to suggest that I am always “chill.” I frequently have anxiety or crying bouts for no particular reason, but I am at least able to recognize those things for what they are…a hormonal response. There is no impending doom coming down the pipeline, causing premonitions of emotions. I’m sane enough to realize that now. I’m not so certain that I was a few weeks ago.
I’ve thought a lot about what it is that has changed my perspective about the pregnancy. Here’s my list of ideas:
-Feeling the baby move all day and all night. There is something intensely reassuring about the wonderful little feelings that go on in my belly all day.
-I trust my OBGYN. The contrast between how I felt when I was treating with Dr. B and how I feel now that I’ve seen Dr. C is remarkable. I didn’t know how much anxiety I was having over the Dr. B situation until it was gone.
-I’m seeing more “success stories.” Perhaps they were always there, but during my IF battle, I learned to focus on the “bad” statistics…as they were the ones that were always applying to me and, in large part, to my friends. I’m starting to let go of my obsession with what can go wrong. I know what could happen, but I am willing to let it go and have faith that it isn’t going to happen to this pregnancy. I’m learning to focus on all of the healthy babies born every day and to believe that my baby will be joining their ranks.
-At 24 weeks pregnant, and with a “birth date” in place (exactly 15 weeks from today…but whose counting), my eye is now on the prize. It is difficult to focus on the past when something so significant is rapidly approaching in your future. The Prince and I have so much to do and so little time to do it, there simply isn’t time to “what if” the pregnancy anymore.
-Pregnancy is no longer miserable. I know that sounds like a horrid, harsh statement, but I’m not one to sugarcoat things. The first 16-20 weeks of my pregnancy were rough…really rough. I always felt blessed to be pregnant, but I wasn’t able to enjoy being pregnant. Now, I am keeping food down and actually enjoying some things that I eat. I am not in constant pain. I am gaining confidence in my body (not its looks, but its ability to not let me down). It is easier to be at peace with the pregnancy when you aren’t feeling like your body is sabotaging you.
-The Prince has been awesome. He has been reading parenting books (plural!) and spends every free minute he has working hard to get our kitchen and nursery renovations done before the baby’s arrival. He also gets some kudos for putting up with my recent mood swings and my inability to help very much.
-Finally…there is the picture of my baby-boy-to-be. Every time I look at the photo, I smile. We have a real little person in there. He has a little profile (that looks strikingly similar to The Prince’s profile) and a little hand. You can even see his heart in the photo! (It’s the shaded area in the chest). I can’t fathom having him taken away. And I don’t mean just that I am afraid of him being taken away (which is more akin to my usual use of the phrase “I can’t fathom”). I mean that I truly can’t imagine or comprehend a scenario where I don’t get to see that little profile in person, staring up at me as I feed him. I’m really happy and content holding onto that visual right now…and I hope this photo keeps me going for the next 15 weeks.