It's Official...

The blood test was a positive, and for that I am so thankful.  My level was 117, which is way above the 25 my clinic requires to consider it more than a chemical pregnancy.  It was also above the number they look for to indicate a healthy pregnancy – 50.  I feel good about my 117 and am looking forward to Monday (Yeah…I have to wait four days instead of two for my second blood test because my fertility center won’t test on weekends…not crazy about that extra two days of waiting), when I can have the reassurance that the number has doubled and things are going well. 

The nurse who called me with my results and the nurse who set-up my appointment for my second round of intralipids were both squealing and congratulating me over and over.  I felt a little guilty that I wasn’t more excited.  I don’t know if this anti-climactic feeling is because I was pretty sure that I would get a positive, given all the POAS, or if I am unwittingly returning to self-preservation mode.  I thought that I had overcome my doubts and fears.  I thought I would continue to be Positive Polly and would ride the Happy Train all the way through the pregnancy.  I thought wrong.  I feel like something is “off” right now, and I hate it.  I want to be jumping up and down and yelling and celebrating.  I would be happy to even feel some butterflies in my stomach over the good news.  But instead I’m just numb...and maybe sad.

I think that part of the problem is that I have been struggling with “survivor’s guilt.”  It sucks that I am pregnant and my fertility friends are not.  I’m not saying it sucks that I’m pregnant, nor are they saying that.  But it isn’t fair that they aren’t pregnant with me…and I can’t fix it.  So the guilt I’m feeling about this is making me second guess everything I have said in this blog.  Have I been too excited and too happy?  Am I that obnoxious person who is unintentionally rubbing my good fortune in the face of those who are less fortunate?  I think about conversations I have had with my friends, and I groan at some of the statements I’ve made.  For example, I’ve talked about my symptoms…the unpleasant ones…the ones that those struggling with infertility long for.  I’ve talked about them because I’m perplexed by them and it is all so new to me.  But what if it sounds like I’m complaining?  I have a tough time with former infertiles who complain about their pregnancy symptoms to people still on their journey to motherhood.  I think it is just something you don’t do…but what if I am…or sound like I am?  Or what if I am reminding those who have experienced losses of their pregnancies...and their pain?

I thought I would feel like my pregnancy was a victory for us all.  That I would be that inspirational character who struggled for three years and then got pregnant…the one that makes people not want to give up when they hit two years of trying to conceive…or three years of trying to conceive.  But I don’t think I am that person.  I’m just another friend who got pregnant…and I hate being that.  Then, I feel guilty for “hating being that” because I feel like I’m somehow not appreciating my pregnancy enough…and that is equally unacceptable.  I feel like I need to appreciate this pregnancy enough for everyone…like there is an obligation that I suck every drop of happiness out of this situation, or I am not worthy of the gift I’ve been given.  Basically, I feel guilty about feeling guilty.

I knew infertility would be an unwanted companion during this pregnancy.  I knew infertility wasn’t going to just leave me alone because I had gotten a positive HPT.  But I underestimated infertility’s resolve and power over me.  I’m fighting to not allow infertility to steal my joy this pregnancy…but today, of all days, I’m losing the battle.  This should be a happy post and I’m sorry to all of you that it is not.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Yes...Another Obnoxious POAS Picture...



Day Four – It is Tuesday morning, and I still have a positive.  I’m almost done with this part of “The Experiment.”  I will POAS again tomorrow and then I will have my first beta test on Thursday morning.  I freaked out and contacted the nurse yesterday, to see if I should come in for the blood test a couple of days early.  I was most disappointed when her answer was, “No.  You’ve got to wait it out so we can compare your levels to everyone (insert “all of the sane people who can wait the full two weeks”) else’s levels.” 

I think that there needs to be an end point to my POAS.  I’m not doing it for fun anymore.  I’m not enjoying every time it comes up positive.  I’m doing it with shaking hands and a tight chest, irritated to be peeing on my hands at 3:00 a.m. and terrified that the line is going to disappear on me.  That was never what POAS was supposed to be about, and I refuse to let my pregnancy be dictated by fear.  I am determined not to lose out on this experience just because infertility has stolen my naivety and has made me aware of all that could go wrong.  I want my blissful ignorance back and if I can’t have it…I’m going to fake it.  I will still probably buy an “emergency” Clearblue Easy Digital kit…a “break open in case of emergency” kind of thing…for the mornings I wake up in a panic and only the comfort of seeing the words “Pregnant” will squelch the fear and let me fall back asleep.  But no more staring at and analyzing pink lines at 3:00 a.m. each morning.  After tomorrow, that part of this experiment… of this journey… is done.

In other news, I have the most amazing fertility friends EVER!  (I have the most amazing blog buddies, too…but that’s another whole post).  Since Mother’s Day, support has been pouring in from my “real life” fertility friends who read my blog.  Some of them are still in the midst of their struggles, some are pregnant, and some have “graduated” to motherhood.  All of them have been amazing.  No one has told me that they are happy for me but sad for themselves, even though I know that is how some must feel.  No one has yet asked that I give them some distance, even though I’ve been expecting for that request to come.  My biggest fear about getting pregnant, even bigger than losing the pregnancy, has been losing all of my friends.  I’ve been so blessed to have friends who are stronger than I am…friends who are putting a positive spin on my pregnancy, even though I haven’t always been able to do the same in the face of my friends’ announcements in the past.  I know that feelings will ebb and flow, and I will ride out every wave of emotions with each of my friends…giving space when needed and being there through the rest of their journeys whenever I am allowed.  But I just had to share that I am so happy that I haven’t been faced with the loss of friendships yet…and that I recognize and am grateful for my friends’ strength and support.

On a less fun note, a couple of weeks ago, before I was sure of the timing of this cycle, I had set up a dinner/support group for tonight with my other fertility friends.  The support group that is usually held on the second Tuesday of each month is being dedicated to making vision boards this month…and some of us already have a whole gallery of them.  So, we planned our own get-together…a non-vision board carb-fest if you will.  The timing ended up being terrible.  I have fretted the last two days over whether I should contact the people who are coming, to tell them about my positive HPT’s, even though I think it is too early to be “spreading the news.”  I don’t want them to find out through the grapevine later on, or worse…at dinner tonight… and feel like they were deceived.  On the other hand, most of my friends who are going tonight already know because they read my blog, and I’m glad they found out through the blog…because I’m really not ready to write “the email.”  So, for now, for better or worse, I am in a situation where most of the people at dinner tonight are going to know that I am a little bit pregnant, they know that not everyone at the dinner knows, and they know that it will be best if the status of my cycle does not become a topic of conversation at dinner.  I can honestly say, if asked, that I am waiting for my beta on Thursday.  It’s not a lie…just an omission…and an omission that I think a lot of people would make if they didn’t even have their first beta under their belt, yet.  But I am scared…scared that I’m going about this the wrong way and that the couple of people who do not know will feel hurt later on, if they find out that I knew but didn’t’ say anything to them.  What do you feel is the best way to handle this…keeping in mind that I am only about twelve hours out from the dinner, so I don’t have time to implement any change of plans that is too elaborate?  Thank you as always for your input.