Competing for the "Triple Stripe"

                                                                

Sorry I haven’t written in awhile, ladies.  I promise to catch-up on everyone’s posts as soon as possible.  I had no news to report over the weekend, as I was participating in Mind Games the entire weekend (playing and judging 30 board games in 40 hours…UGH!).  I managed to get through the games (with a total of 7 hours of sleep between Friday morning and Sunday afternoon)…and I didn’t cry or scream once…my hormones remained in-check.  The experience left me exhausted and sore, but it did keep me from obsessing over this cycle and, for that, I am thankful. 

Today I received good news (finally).  My uterine lining is AWESOME!!!  The highest measurement that my clinic gives is the “Triple Stripe” (when the two uterine walls are so thick that they touch in the middle, creating an image on the ultrasound that looks like three stripes).  “Triple Stripe” occurs at 12-13 mm.  After one week on Estrace, my lining is at 10-11 mm, and I have at least another week and a half on the meds, before transfer.  I feel like I should cut out a construction paper blue ribbon, or silver star, to paste on my shirt when I achieve “Triple Stripe” status.  I need something to acknowledge my entrance into the elite class of infertiles who are blessed with perfect uterine linings.  This morning, my nurse (who is all too familiar with my uterus) was very excited.  She said it was the best she had ever seen my lining look…from a size and quality perspective.  Yeah!  So, I’ll continue what I’m doing and weather the side effects for a little longer, knowing that I am already going into this cycle with a leg up on previous cycles.

All that I need now is an update on how the donor is doing.  The donor started her stimulation medication on Thursday, so it has only been 5 days.  My stimulation always took around 19 days, so I assumed it would be too early for the donor’s ultrasound to show anything.  But my nurse this morning confirmed that my donor was having an ultrasound and blood work today, and she said that I should be getting a call from the donor coordinator, updating me on the donor’s progress.  The suspense is killing me. 

In the meantime, because (so far) we are on schedule for a transfer late next week, my intralipid administration has been set up for this Friday.  This will be our first time trying intralipids and I’m oddly excited about doing it.  Who knew I would ever get excited about getting fat pumped into me through an IV? 

I think The Prince summed it up best in marriage counseling this weekend, when he said that he is confident about this cycle working for us because everything we are doing is different than what we tried in the past.  To him, “different” feels like “good” and it gives him hope.  He’s right.  Every aspect of this cycle is so different from our past cycles, so it feels like the outcome has to be different as well.  I haven’t felt this positive or excited about an IVF cycle in a long time.  I really missed this feeling.  It feels good to hope again.

*******UPDATE*******

I contacted the donor coordinator by email, after not hearing from her, and I said I wasn't rushing her but I just was wondering if we were going to get an update on our donor's progress after each of her appointments, or if we would only be told if something changed the schedule. 

Her reply - "The donor was in this morning for her first ultrasound since starting her medications.  She will return Wednesday and Friday.  Please contact me both days between 2 and 3 if you need an update." 

Irritated...but still desperate for information, I replied "Thanks.  I'll call Wednesday and Friday.  Was everything okay today, though?  I know it is still early." 

Her reply - "She has follicles developing.  They are very small.  Good night!!!"

Am I wrong in feeling like this woman seems abrasive?  The three exclamation points didn't help...but I guess it could have indicated excitement and not irritation (which is how I read it).  The last time I talked to her, she was so nice...but now we are back to normal again.  Am I being too sensitive?  I guess I'll find out how things are going on Wednesday.   Oh well...I'm not going to let it ruin my Hope High.



Charging Into Battle

I am trying to put the family drama behind me to look forward to this cycle.  As many of you pointed out, I can do nothing to change the sister-situation, so it is a fruitless endeavor to worry and “what if” the situation to death.  Fretting about the fate of my niece and nephew has left me exhausted, sore (my mind-body connection is a little too strong) and frustrated.  I need to look forward to this donor egg cycle with positivity and hope…because it is coming with challenges all its own.  So with a heavy heart, I am determined to lay down that burden and accept that some force greater than me will need to protect and watch over those children.  I cannot be their savior, but I could potentially become a Mommy of my own child very soon…and that child-to-be deserves my full attention right now.

Yesterday morning, I had my baseline ultrasound and blood work.  The nurse said things looked great on the ultrasound (and later I found out my blood level were perfect for baseline – Yeah!!!).  However, the nurse did not give me a tentative schedule, like they normally do at baseline appointments, because the donor coordinator needed to make sure neither my donor, nor the other recipient, had functional cysts.  The nurse told me that the other recipient “may” have had a problem with functional cysts in the past.  The donor has never had to stop a cycle because of a cyst but if she had one that was big enough, they would keep us all suppressed and try to shrink hers to make more room on her ovaries.  It had never occurred to me that things might not get started yesterday.  At first I was irritated, and then worried.  In fact, I got no work done, spending most of the day worrying obsessively and making a chart of all of the possible retrieval, transfer and beta dates.  I also threw in “first heartbeat,” “end of first trimester,” and singleton and twin due dates, for good measure.  That kept me busy and sane (or at least relatively sane) most of the day.  As the day went on, my irritation turned to sympathy for the other recipient and donor.  I thought, if I was the other recipient, I would be really sad to have spent all that money only to watch the cycle go on without me…making me wait for frozen eggs later on.  And, if the donor had a cyst, I’m sure she would be frustrated because she has been waiting a long time to get going on this cycle, too.  Plus, I would want to wait to give us the best chance at the most eggs.  It would be stupid to give up a higher egg count just because of my impatience.  So, by the afternoon, I had convinced myself that I would not totally freak out if the cycle was delayed.  I just needed to know.

Finally, at 3:00 p.m., I couldn’t take the suspense any longer and I called and left a message for the donor coordinator.  She called me back and was very pleasant…which gives me hope that maybe she becomes “warm and fuzzy” once you are in your donor cycle.  She said that the donor is baseline, has no cysts and is ready to go.  I asked about the other recipient and she said that I don’t need to worry about the other recipient and that will not be affecting my cycle.  I don’t know what that means, but whatever it means, the coordinator is probably right.  I should focus on my own cycle and the donor’s cycle.  That combo is stressful enough.

What I didn’t count on is how long the cycle is going to take.  I thought the donor would start her stims yesterday, making late next week the most likely time of egg retrieval.  I was wrong.  My lining takes a long time to build, so the donor will start her stims Thursday and the tentative egg retrieval date is Monday, the 25^th.  The 25^th is better, because of The Prince’s selfishly scheduled cosmetic surgery appointment, but I’m not great with change so I had to deep breathe my way through that part.  It’s so strange to have a “probably” date after all of this waiting. 

My medication protocol started in earnest yesterday.  I take estrogen pills three times a day, dexamethasone one time a day, an antibiotic every three days for twelve days (4 doses total…and The Prince takes those, too), and I continue the Lupron injections, baby aspirin, and prenatal vitamins.  I’ll get checked next Monday to see how my lining is doing and will likely have my intralipid IV next Friday.  Things are cruising right along now, but I will definitely be in my two week wait on Mother’s Day.  I am oddly relieved that I won’t know for sure if I am pregnant until after Mother’s Day is over (I might be rethinking that position when Mother’s Day actually comes along).  It would just be too hard to go through that day if I knew that our last chance failed.

So, it’s onward and upward.  Feel free to call me out if I seem to be getting sucked into serious negative thinking over the next couple of weeks.  I love the support and sympathy that you – my friends – are so graciously willing to give to me, but I am aware that feeling positive this cycle is more important than any temporary hurt feelings over any reality checks that get doled out…or at least that’s how I feel pre-estrogen taking over my body.  The Prince would definitely warn you not to say anything less than supportive, but he is not all of you…he can’t feel what I am feeling…and I know that all of you can, so it is different.  I know I say it a lot, but I really can’t tell you all how much it means to me to have you going through this journey with me.  I feel like I have my own little army of supporters, and it is such a relief not to be alone in this battle.