Darkness Falls Over the Land

Occasionally in a fairy tale, something will go wrong and to emphasize how bad things are becoming for the hero, the author will tell you that “darkness fell over the land.”  Very spooky.

I don’t know about you, but there have been so many times during my fertility journey that darkness fell over my land.  I would be going about my business, chewing my nails through my 2 week wait and WHAMO!  I would get the phone call from the nurse that my beta test came back and it was negative.  Immediately, a darkness would fall over me.  If I was at work, I would usually have to leave work because once the sobbing started, there was no getting it to stop.  I would go through all of the stages of grief over and over in rapid succession, thinking I was finished with a step (i.e.- bargaining), only to find myself promising to start going to church or to volunteer more time to charity if God could only make the test wrong…if I could just be pregnant a little later than expected.  Then, inevitably, the day would come (for me, usually more than a week after I stopped the progesterone) that I would get my body’s confirmation that I was, indeed, not pregnant…again.  For me, that final nail in the coffin usually would plunge me fully into the abyss.

I fear depression…actual clinical need-to-take –medicine-to-function depression, because I experienced it when I was younger.  It is like being in the darkest room imaginable, where you can hear the sounds of life going on around you but you can’t see even a speck of light that would allow you to orient yourself to the outside world.

The darkness that I call depression now is not quite the same.  I feel myself getting close to the edge of the cliff into darkness and I know if I fall down I might not get out of bed for two days or I might not be able to stay focused at work if I can drag myself there.  But I don’t need medication and the darkness always passes.  Still, feeling myself at the edge is scary.  And it is easier than ever for me to get there now. 

I also frequently have to watch as the darkness creeps over my friends.  It breaks my heart because there is very little you can do to help lift that darkness for someone else.  Like a fog, it rolls in, sucking out all of the happiness and positive energy, and rolls out, leaving you exhausted but alive. 

I’ve found it helpful to remember that there is a purpose to the darkness.  First, the darkness leaves you alive and stronger than you were before.  It hurts so badly, but it doesn’t kill you.  And, as clichéd as it is, the saying “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is absolutely true.  The second thing about the darkness is that it is somewhat predictable.  You can usually feel when it is coming and brace yourself (at least a little). Although no amount of will power (or at least not my brand of will power) stops the darkness in its tracks, if I feel it coming and I turn to my support systems and get myself back to yoga and meditation practices, I can sometimes make the darkness bearable and maybe even shorter in duration.  The third thing I will say about the darkness is that it isn’t all bad.  It feels like it is when you are surrounded, but the darkness is actually a totally natural response emotional trauma.  It’s there for a reason.  A lot of what that darkness is made of is grief and sorrow – two emotions that need to be allowed to run their course before a person can truly move beyond a psychological trauma.  In that sense, the darkness is cathartic and necessary.

I’ve just made it through a darkness.  Reading back through my posts, I can see that the fog was still dissipating, even though I had thought I was fine.  I’m starting to move beyond nervous, and beginning to get a little excited about starting our donor egg cycle.  There’s still moments of panic, but now I can breathe them away more easily than before.  For months, I’ve spent a good portion of times under the cloud cover.  It feels good to know that I am slipping into sunny weather, again.

So, the next time you see the clouds rolling in, (to quote the ever-wise Little Orphan Annie), just tuck in your chin and grin and say “The sun will come out tomorrow.”  Because just like in the fairy tales, the clouds will eventually roll away, allowing that sun to shine and the birds to sing.  Hope will flourish again, when you are ready for it.  And you will appreciate it all the more because you remember what the opposite side of hope feels like, making the sunny days that much sweeter.

Once Upon a Time (Part 3) - Living in the Now

This morning, I was sitting in the waiting room of my fertility center and an overwhelming feeling of sadness washed over me.  I started to think about all of the times in the past that I’ve sat in that room, full of hope that my dreams were about to come true, only to be disappointed shortly thereafter.  After five minutes of waiting this morning, feeling badly for myself, I started getting that familiar nervous sickness in my stomach.  Before I knew it, my heart was pounding and my mind was racing about what was to come.  What if my “mock cycle” wasn’t going well and the use of an egg donor was going to be taken off the table as an option for us?  Or, what if the mock cycle turned out okay, but we don’t get pregnant, even with the use of donor eggs? 

Starting to panic, I looked around the waiting room.  There were four men sitting around, waiting for their significant others, and they were all doing something - playing videogames, texting, laughing during a phone conversation with someone.  I’m not proud to say that I immediately became irritated with these men, thinking “How can men be so unaffected by something so serious?”  And then I realized, those men were simply “living in the now.”  Men, as a general rule, don’t spend time obsessing about the past or worrying about the future.  They can get in a huge fight with their best friend one night and the next day they relate as though nothing ever happened, without so much as a discussion or apology.  I asked a guy friend one time how men were able to let things go so quickly and he replied “Why wouldn’t you?  What good does it do me to carry that [crap] around?”  For him, it was that simple.  There was no benefit in him living in the past, so he didn’t.

My fertility center is great about offering mind-body connection programs to patients, many of which address the importance of “living in the now.”  Some programs I find too “out there” for my liking, but a lot of them have been very helpful during this fertility journey.  For example, I love my fertility yoga classes.  I never feel as calm and happy as I do walking out of my weekly yoga class.  The focus in the class that I go to is not on twisting yourself into a pretzel.  Rather, the focus is on being in the present.  That means, accepting when thoughts of the past or worries about the future come into your mind, but instead of following those thoughts down their usual spiral, just acknowledging them and letting them go in peace.  Through yoga, I learn to feel what my body is telling me, where the tension is being held, and how to release it.  I remember to "just be," without judgments or expectations.  And, at least for the one hour a week that I commit to those principles, I am at peace.

I once read that spending too much time in the past leads to depression, and spending too much time in the future leads to anxiety.  That is why we should all strive to stay in the present.  I think that is true, although slightly over-simplified.  I think it is okay to think about “Once Upon a Time” and to learn from past experiences.  Depression doesn't become a concern until you get stuck in the emotions of the past, like I did this morning in the waiting room.  I also think that it is okay to look at the future, make plans and have dreams.  But it is the attachments to expectations and fears about the future that can get you into trouble with anxiety.  I have a long way to go in my pursuit of living in the now.  More consistent yoga and meditation practice would be a great start.  Does anyone else have ideas about how to stay in the present?  I would be so grateful if you would be willing to share.