Lately, I have been trying to get onboard the gratitude train. But I have to say…if one more person tells me how “lucky” I am to have the resources to go through fertility treatments, my head is going to explode. I get it. Not everyone can afford IUI’s, IVF’s or donor egg cycles. I’m blessed to have insurance and savings to cover the treatments. But I really have to disagree about being “lucky.”
Recently, someone told me that I am lucky that I am dealing with infertility now, as the technology today offers more options for family building. I also was told that I should feel lucky beacuse there are lots of women who want a baby but don’t have the resources to even try assisted cycles. The person who recently said this to me is just one of many people (including infertility friends) to tell me why I am so “lucky.” I’ve had it with the insensitive statements and I've had it with keeping my mouth shut about it. Maybe the people making these statements didn't mean any harm, but that's kind of irrelevant when it feels like I got punched in the gut whenever I hear the words "You're so lucky." So here is my rant about why no woman dealing with infertility should be told that she is lucky.
First, no one would ever say to someone diagnosed with cancer that they are lucky that they have chemotherapy and radiation therapy available now, because it wasn’t available in the past. I’ve watched people go through the side effects of cancer treatments and the emotional pain and fear that goes along with a cancer diagnosis. There is nothing “lucky” about any of it. Maybe those with cancer today have better odds of survival now than they would have had in the past. But they are not lucky and I don’t think anyone would dare tell them that they are. Likewise, I am not “lucky” to have infertility treatments available to me that weren’t available in the past. I still have infertility. I still may never have a child. The treatments available may give me better odds of having a child, but those treatments also include horrid side effects to medications that I have to inject into myself multiple times per day, every day, for a month at a time, or more. I am glad that infertility treatments have come a long way, but I don’t think it is fair to say I am lucky to have infertility now, as opposed to infertility in the past. I’m pretty sure that infertility is equally sucky, no matter when you have it.
Second, I know how blessed I am to be able to pursue ART options, especially the very expensive endeavor of using donor eggs. I appreciate that there are women who haven’t had the opportunity to pursue ART because of financial considerations, and I think it is deplorable that there isn’t a system in place to make sure that infertility treatment is available to anyone who needs it. However, again I would argue that I am not lucky to be able to pursue ART. I would never say to someone who had a miscarriage: “You are lucky. At least you got a positive pregnancy test.” I wouldn’t say that because I am acutely aware of the pain that a miscarriage brings, especially for someone who desperately wants to be a mother, and I am aware that the only thing scarier to me than not getting pregnant is getting pregnant and then experiencing a loss of the pregnancy. And yet, it seems to be perfectly acceptable for people to say to me “You are lucky. At least you got to try 12 cycles of ART.” Nevermind that they didn't work. At least I got to try, right? Yeah, I’m so lucky that I got to go through three years of side effects and have had more people looking at my nether regions than most strippers. I’m so lucky that I got to go through three years of being sure that science’s involvement in my baby-making process would mean that I was going to get pregnant…only to find out that even science can’t seem to fix my broken plumbing. I’m so damn lucky I can’t stand it.
I know I sound like a brat right now (and brat probably isn’t the word a lot of you are thinking of). Really, I am not as ungrateful as I sound…or maybe I am. I’m not sure, because I’m so angry. But, on this day before St. Patrick’s Day, I have to say that I am not feeling particularly “lucky” and I would be much obliged if people would recognize that my pain isn’t lessened by having undergone 6 IUI’s and 6 IVF’s. I still don’t have a baby in my belly or my arms, just like the women who need, but don’t have the resources, to go through ART. I’ve suffered enough pain to deserve some validation that my situation isn’t lucky. It sucks...because infertility sucks...no matter what the circumstances.
