R & R

Thank you again to everyone who sent kind messages regarding Josephine’s cancer.  I’ve read the messages over and over.  The support has definitely helped.  In just a couple of days I feel markedly better than I did. 

While lying around during my mini-depression, I realized that my nausea, dizziness, etc. seems to be greatly affected by how much sleep I’ve been getting.  Sleep has been tough to come by lately and I think that might be one of the reasons why I’ve been having a rough time.  During my second meeting with our doula, earlier this week, she told me that getting enough sleep is one of the most important things I can do right now.  Every pregnancy is different.  Not everyone gets a boost of energy during their second trimester.  I need to accept that I am still feeling a lot of fatigue and make sleep more of a priority than it has been.

So, last night, I made a few purchases to help with my sleep issues.  First, we have the Leachco Back N’ Belly Contoured Body Pillow. 

The Prince got me a great long body pillow earlier in my pregnancy, but it is only four feet long and doesn’t wrap around my body.  My new “pregnancy pillow” should hopefully help keep me on my side without feeling like there is a constant tug-of-war going on between my back muscles and lower abdominal muscles.



I also got a pregnancy wedge pillow. 

My massage therapist introduced me to this little gem, as she props my belly on one of these pillows during my prenatal massages.  I’ve tried duplicating the pressure-relieving action of the wedge pillow by using regular pillows under my belly at night…but the regular pillows just aren’t the same.  Our baby is the most active the first hour or two that I lay down for bed at night and I am hoping that the wedge pillow will soothe the stretching feeling, so I can just enjoy the baby movements.

Finally, I bought a maternity belt (not to be confused with a chastity belt…though they both resemble torture devices). 

I am feeling a lot of pressure from the weight of my expanding belly and my low back is struggling to deal with my new center of gravity.  I am sure that had I gone into this pregnancy with better core strength, I wouldn’t be having these issues so early in the pregnancy.  But it’s too late to change that now…so my doula recommended a maternity belt to relieve some of the pressure.  My doula said that I need to look at the pregnancy the same way I viewed infertility – something that affects every aspect of my health, my body and my life.  Something that deserves respect and acknowledgment.  A worthwhile pursuit that isn't easy...because nothing really worth pursuing ever is easy.  The doula says that I need to understand that my needs have to come first right now…and that means seeking comfort where I can get it.  So, in addition to sleep, comfort has moved up on my list of priorities.  (I have to say…I feel like the doula has already earned every penny we are paying her, just by assuaging my guilt for being a little selfish right now.)

The Honeymoon Is Over

What a difference a good night’s sleep makes.  Yesterday, I was in rough shape.  The multiple nights in a row of only a couple of hours of sleep had taken its toll physically and emotionally.  Then, last night, something amazing happened.  I slept…the WHOLE night.  And when I woke up this morning, I felt wonderful.  The thoughts that have been triggering my anxiety lately were still there, but I was able to let them go quickly.  I smiled and joked with my husband this morning, instead of scuffling around him in zombie-mode like I have been the last few mornings.  I sang with the radio on my way into work.  It was lovely (not my singing…but the happy commute).

And then I went to a doctor’s appointment.  When the fertility center did my second beta test, on Monday, they called and let me know that I needed to start thyroid medication because my tests showed that my thyroid was underactive.  The only problem is, I’m already on thyroid medication for hypothyroidism and I have been for over 10 years.  Apparently, even being a little bit pregnant can make your thyroid go crazy, so I had to set up another round of blood work and an appointment with my primary care doctor to follow-up on the thyroid issue.  Yesterday, the lab drew blood to test my cholesterol, blood sugar, insulin level (gestational diabetes and Type 2 diabetes runs in my family, so we test my thyroid and insulin each month), and thyroid function.  Today, when I saw my doctor, she actually hugged me and squealed a little because she was so happy that I am finally pregnant.  But then, she looked at her computer and the mood turned somber.

One of my two thyroid tests shows that my level is three times what it should be (indicating a severely underactive thyroid) while the other thyroid test came back completely normal.  Both tests were normal last month, at my check-up.  Also, my insulin level is already just over the normal range and my blood sugar came back very low.  Usually, high insulin means high blood sugar, so my lab result is a bit contradictory and is completely different from last month’s lab work.  On the bright side, my cholesterol is good even though my weight is not.  Ultimately, the doctor said that, because I am pregnant, she isn’t comfortable interpreting these results and I need to start seeing an endocrinologist.  I also need to pay attention to what, how much and how often I am eating because I am not consistently getting enough nutrients if my blood sugar is so low.  The doctor recommended that I start journaling what I eat and then check where my calories are coming from so I can make healthier choices.  

I knew this was coming.  I’m starting a pregnancy obese, with a family history of gestational diabetes.  Of course I was going to have to start policing my food better and making healthier choices.  But I just thought I would get a slightly longer honeymoon period…maybe one month when I could eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, 100% guilt-free, because I’m pregnant.  Apparently, the honeymoon is already over and although it pains me to do so, I will be doing a thorough cupboard and refrigerator cleaning very soon…ditching many of the “vice” foods I bought to “celebrate” being pregnant.

Now I need to decide how much I want to tell The Prince.  He is all into body building and drinking protein shakes, etc.  He is REALLY good about being self-controlled with his nutrition and he is REALLY good about being an inspector of anything I put in my mouth, if he has a reason to be.  I don’t tell him when I’m dieting anymore because I want to jam my doughnut right in his face when he says “Are you supposed to be having that?”  Guilt is not helpful to me when I’m struggling to do what I need to do.  I’ve tried to explain to him that I need support, not a food policeman.  But he is who he is, and he can’t change his response to my behavior anymore than I can change my behavior.

So…do I tell him?  The stakes are higher this time, so maybe I need the accountability in all its ugliness.  On the other hand, if I feel guilty, I will be miserable and might overeat in response.  I feel like I should tell him because he can be helpful about eliminating the foods we shouldn’t have in the house (getting rid of temptation) and because, God forbid I have a hypoglycemic attack, he should know what is going on.  But I feel like I shouldn’t tell him because he is going to worry about the situation and might blame me if something goes wrong with the pregnancy.  What would you do???



A Letter To An Old Friend...

Welcome back Anxiety, my old friend.  I would say it has been too long, but, in truth, it hasn’t been long enough.  I thought we had an understanding…that you would leave me alone, at least for the next month, so I could enjoy being pregnant before you moved in and ruined it.  You did not live up to your end of the bargain.  Instead, you have crashed my party like an unwanted guest that just won’t leave.  You’ve left me shaking and gasping for breath, as my chest gets tighter and tighter.  You have me writing a blog post at 2:00 a.m., because, for the second night in a row, you won’t let me sleep.  You have my stomach in knots and my mind racing, and it isn’t fair.  I wasn’t supposed to see you so soon.

I understand that The Prince opened the door to you the other night, but I am really irritated that you leave him alone when it isn’t convenient for him to deal with you, and yet you follow me around at work, and while I’m eating, and while I’m trying to sleep.  Even my dreams aren’t safe from you…and I’m not the one that invited you in.  You cause me so much pain, yet you are so easy to embrace and so difficult to kick out.

At least I’ve learned a lot about you over the last three years.  I know that you’ve gotten comfortable in my life the last couple of days, at least in part because I have allowed myself to consult Dr. Google on everything I fear about being pregnant and being a mother.  That stops today.  No more Googling…anything!  I also know that you are taking advantage of my fear of doing yoga this early in the pregnancy.  I know how you hate it when I do yoga, as yoga makes it difficult for you to stay with me.  Well…tomorrow I am going to add an additional morning walk to my current brief lunchtime walk…and I’m going to use my “walk time” to breathe you away.  I don’t care that it is raining straight through next week, I like the rain.  And nothing is going to stop me from walking away from you.  Oh, and in three weeks, yoga is coming back too…so be forewarned.

I won’t have you ruining my “happily ever after.”  I know you have the power to do it, but I’m not going to let it happen.  I’ve worked too hard, and waited too long, to have this moment of joy taken away from me.  And, I know that if I let you rest in my home, even for a little while, it will be even harder to make you go away.  So, you need to leave now.  I know you can’t be ignored, but you can be starved.  Our home will have a “no anxiety-fueling policy” from now on.  You’ll see how strong The Prince and I can be when we need to be.  Now leave me alone and let me sleep, so I can keep you at bay tomorrow.

Your Former Friend,

The Princess