A Little Bit of This...A Little Bit of That

Lots of things have happened since my last post. Here’s the quick highlights version (I don’t have the energy for anything better than that):

• My mother-in-law announced my pregnancy on her Facebook page and, after receiving messages and questions from people who saw her post, I decided it was time to announce my own pregnancy.  I believe I made a tasteful and sensitive announcement…I hope so.  I would be lying if I said that it doesn’t feel wonderful to have everyone know about my pregnancy and to see the outpouring of love and support from family and friends.  Also, I was surprised to find out that many people knew (or at least suspected) that The Prince and I were struggling to get pregnant.  The beautiful messages of support and sincere congratulations have helped me to be a little more at peace with what we went through during those three long years of infertility.  I’m realizing that I wasn’t as alone as I had thought.

• My hyperemesis came back last night and this morning…with a vengeance.  I thought I had at least gotten past that aspect of the “rough pregnancy.”  No such luck.  For whatever reason, my blood vessels all burst in my face this time, so I have giant red spots and blotches in certain areas, and tiny freckle-looking spots in other areas.  Perhaps the worst is that a blood vessel broke in my eye, so it looks like I have some disease that is causing me to cry tears of blood (no blood is actually coming out of my eye…but it is down in that part of my eye…not pretty).  I’m embarrassed and tired of the HG.  But, I’m determined to beat this, so I am going to just keep eating and drinking, no matter how many times I get sick.  I’m determined not to end up back in the hospital.  I also just keep rubbing my belly to remind myself that there is a lot of good going on along with the bad.

• The Prince and I had an argument last night about the “doula” issue.  He believes (with all his vast medical knowledge) that I am going to end up having a planned C-section because of all of my surgeries, adhesions, etc.  Accordingly, he feels the money we would spend on a doula could be better spent on other things.  I am sympathetic with his position about the money, but, even if he ends up being right about the C-section…which is a big IF, I’ve read about the support a doula offers during C-sections…and I want that support!  The father travels with the baby to the nursery, after the baby is taken out of the belly, and the mom remains on the table for 45 minutes to an hour, being stitched up, usually with no information about what is going on with the baby (and The Prince knows this because his sister just went through it).  When you have a doula, she stays with the mom in the OR and coordinates with the medical staff to give the mom updates on the baby’s progress.  She can also advocate for the fastest possible return of the baby, so that the bonding and breastfeeding can happen as quickly after birth as possible.  I want that!  I printed out articles for The Prince to explain why it is in his best interest for us to have a doula and we had a more civil conversation about the issue this morning.  He (possibly to avoid having to read the articles) has agreed to let me pursue whatever option makes me the most comfortable.  Hopefully he will stick with that…as I’ve already contacted three doula candidates to set up interviews.  I’m really hopeful that, during one of the interviews, everything will click and we will just know who we are meant to share our miracle with.

• I got the three egg donation children’s books that I ordered.  One of them is a glorified pamphlet…the size of a CD cover…and I could have written it in my sleep.  Very disappointing.  The other two are a little better.  Having the books gave me this weird proud feeling about our choice of using egg donation to conceive.  I thought the books might make me sad, as they would sort of “confirm” that I am going to tell our child that there was a third party involved in the child’s conception.  But that isn’t how I felt at all.  Instead, I felt confident in our decision to raise our child always knowing about his or her origin.  I feel ready for this…and the egg donor part of our story (at least for now) doesn’t scare me.

That’s about it.  I have no other exciting news to report and nothing clever to write about.  I’m really hoping that my second trimester honeymoon period kicks in soon and I can get back to being the blogger that I want to be…instead of writing my posts in a stupor.  Thanks to everyone who is sticking with me through this.

Facebook is Still Not My Friend...But We're Flirting

I apologize for not posting for awhile.  After I got out of the hospital last weekend, I really didn’t know what to say.  I don’t want to chance complaining about the sickness anymore.  I’m sick of hearing myself talk about it.  I can only imagine what my IF buddies are feeling.  So, I held off on posting until I came up with something to post about…or at least I tried to.  I’m still not sure whether I do…but I’m already writing, so here it goes.

I may be looking at getting bonked in the head by a winter rainbow.  This reference is from one of my older, pre-pregnancy posts, in which I promised not to make a pregnancy announcement on Facebook, not to post a pregnancy ticker on Facebook, not to post belly pictures on Facebook and not to make endless Facebook comments about my pregnancy.  I HATED being confronted with the aforementioned Facebook posts on bad days during my IF journey.  I loved rejoicing with my pregnant IF friends on some days…but there were probably more of the dark days, when I wanted to commit Facebook suicide.  I still remember how that felt and I still don’t want to hurt any of my friends that way…but…

It is tricky to come up with a way to announce a pregnancy without using Facebook. We are at that point now…entering the second trimester…and in the semi-near future, decisions about this need to be made.   Both my family and The Prince’s family are spread out all over the country.  We don’t email…we Facebook.  It’s just how we communicate.  So, figuring out how to get around pregnancy chatter on Facebook is tough.  I looked into buying cute pregnancy announcements, which you send through the mail.  But they are expensive (relatively speaking) and would require tracking down a few dozen addresses, addressing all of those envelopes, and sending the announcements out.  Plus, there is still no guarantee that the responses to the announcements won’t be posted on Facebook, thus defeating the intended purpose of the paper announcements.  I also don’t think word-of-mouth is an option, as you will always have someone who was out-of-the-loop and bitter about it (or at least in my family you will).

So, I’ve been rationalizing why it would be okay to post my announcement on Facebook…even though I know it isn’t.  I tell myself that all of my IF friends already know about my pregnancy and many read this blog, so the Facebook news alert won’t be such a slap in the face.  But that’s B.S.  It isn’t about whether you know someone is pregnant or not.  It is about someone’s joyful news hitting you head-on on a day when the IF clouds are raining heaps of crap on your head.  A lot of my friends are in the midst of cycles, or two week waits, or have just come off a loss.  The reality is, that may be the case for a long time, as people’s journeys start, meander or even stop at different times.  So my Facebook announcement could very well fall on a most-inopportune day for one or more of my friends.  I don’t want that. 

I tell myself that I could send out a nice message to my IF friends, ahead of time, explaining what is about to happen and letting them know I am sorry and I am okay with them “hiding” me if they need to.  But won’t that message itself be hurtful?  When I was in the trenches, I wanted people to be sensitive of my feelings, but I hated it when people felt they needed to change their behavior around me because of my IF.  Am I being more insulting by giving that “warning” than just going for it and trusting that my friends would want me to treat them the same as my non-IF friends?  I don’t think so, but I’m not sure.

I see this blog morphing into a pregnancy blog and I am so conflicted about that.  It wasn’t what it was meant to be…but I don’t know if it can be stopped.  The pregnancy is a HUGE part of my life right now (some days, it is the only thing going on in my life).  How do I keep it from seeping into my blog and my Facebook and my conversations?  Should I try to keep that from happening, or just embrace the pregnancy and tell myself that I am celebrating my joy on behalf of IF’ers everywhere?

I guess this post doesn’t really have a point.  It is just more of my random thoughts.  But it felt really good to get them out of my head and out to the world…even if I ended up with more questions than answers.   

P.S.***My biggest fear...and yet oddly amusing - http://eggsandsperm.com/2011/02/16/the-facebook-pregnancy-announcement/

I'm Out...

I jumped out of the Infertility Closet...sort of.  My friend had the following status:

"Infertility is a heart-wrenching, faith-questioning, relationship-testing, life-altering experience. April is Infertility Awareness Month. Whether a friend, a family member, a colleague or yourself has fought through this difficult fate that MILLIONS of women are fighting day in and day out...post this as your status if you or someone you know has walked to hell and back for the chance to be a MOM. ♥"

So I posted it as my status.  I know it doesn't officially identify me as an infertile, but it is by far the closest I've ever come to telling my "dirty little secret" to the masses.  I hope I don't regret this impulsive decision.