Positive Polly's Cousin - Grateful Greta - Saves The Prince's Royal Rump

I keep trying to be positive.  I know I need to be positive this cycle.  But I’m struggling.  There is so much I don’t have done.  There are so many frustrating things going on in my life that are completely out of my control.  There are so many fun activities that I have had to bail on…again.  There is so much to be grumpy about, and boy am I letting myself be grumpy about those things.  I may even be looking for things to be grumpy about at this point.

For example, the last few days I have wanted to kick The Prince right in his buttocks.  He is being his usual distant self now that injections of Lupron have started and the cycle has become “real.”  He spends more time looking at himself in the mirror and talking about his muscles and how his clothing doesn’t fit right because of his giant muscles than he spends doing anything else…including paying attention to me (what happened to the sweet little science geek I married?).  He refuses to help with spring cleaning.  He is moody and sensitive (I know…Pot meet Kettle).  This morning, he decided to watch a movie with horses in it (our girl dog is obsessed with horses on the TV).  Josephine barked and barked all morning until finally, at 6:30, I got up and asked him why he was just letting her bark…and why he was watching a horse movie knowing she would bark while I was sleeping.  His response “it’s not all about you.”  Really?!?  Is it all about you, two year old in a grown man’s body?  If I hear the phrase “But I don’t want to” come out of his mouth one more time…I swear I’m going to punch him in the nose (not really…but a girl can dream).

I am well aware that the Lupron is probably partially to blame for my irritation with The Prince.  It’s not like this stuff is particularly out of the ordinary for him, but it has only recently bothered me to the point of actual anger…so hormones must be at least a little bit of a factor.  But I can remember a cycle, not so long ago, when he was doing the same exact things…except I was in this “zen” place emotionally, and just let it all roll off of me, like water off a duck’s back.  I had been meditating and I think I had just finished reading Eat, Pray, Love.  I realized that being upset about his behavior would not change his behavior and that if I was getting upset with him, it was because I was choosing to allow myself to be upset…not because he was “making” me upset.  No one has that power unless you give it to them. 

In an effort to jump-start a more positive frame of mind, I am going to follow the lead of New Year Mum, in her Happy List Saturdays.  It’s not Saturday…but I am going to take a baby step towards more positive thinking by listing a few things I am grateful for. 

1. I am grateful that The Prince got me roses last weekend, and that they are still looking and smelling beautiful.  They make me smile every time I look at them.
2. I am grateful that The Prince is funny and that he sprinkles little bits of humor into our household, even during the grumpy times.
3. I am grateful that I got the dining room clean.
4. I am grateful that the donor egg cycle has started and I am not waiting any more.
5. I am grateful that my infertility veteran friend had a healthy baby boy yesterday.  She deserves to be a mother and I know she will be a great one.
6. I am grateful that my two furry babies are happy and healthy.
7. I am grateful that I have lost a couple of pounds this week without feeling deprived or starved.
8. I am grateful that my belly pain, even after house cleaning, is so much better than it was just one week ago.
9. I am grateful that The Prince has to do campus tours this weekend, which gets him out of the house for a couple of hours, so that I can get some housework done.
10. I am grateful for the sunshine and warm breeze (well…relatively warm breeze).
11. I am grateful for the possibility that I may be pregnant at this time next month.
12. I am grateful for this blog, which allows me to get out all of my thoughts and feelings, and I am thankful for all of the readers of this blog, who are so kind and so supportive every single day.

Ahhh.  I do feel a little better.  Perhaps The Prince will not get a kick in the rump after all. 

Positive Polly Doesn't Live Here Anymore



Last night, I went to the support group (hereinafter “group”) held at my infertility center for the first time since November.  I have been on a hiatus because I had already befriended most of the group members during the last two years, and I had watched as, one-by-one, they graduated out of the group when the stork visited each of their houses.  I just didn’t feel like I could handle watching another “class” of IF gals move on in their journey, while I sat watching from the support group sofa.

But, for whatever reason, I decided to try going to group again…last night.  I’m glad I went.  It was nice to be in a supportive environment.  However, everyone at the group was new, except for my one friend (left behind from the second round of group’ers that got pregnant…we’ll call her “Patience”).  Patience has had four miscarriages in a row and, somehow, she is still standing and still getting her butt to group each month.  Patience deemed us the “senior members,” at the beginning of the meeting.  We were the only two veteran IF gals.  I think the title made me feel a little conflicted.  You never want to be the “senior member” in an IF group.  You want to be a “graduate.”  But, there is also a weird sense of respect that goes along with “senior membership” status.  You almost wear it as a badge of honor…something to prove how much you have survived…a testament to your strength and resiliency. 

Newbies looked to Patience and I for guidance last night, and our words carried a lot of weight, so we had to choose our words carefully.  I really censored a lot of what I said and what I shared because I was trying not to be too negative, given the crowd.  There were so many women there who had only just received their infertility diagnosis, or had just survived their first miscarriage.  They were all so hopeful that this was going to be a very short journey for them.  They all truly believe that they will get pregnant this month (or their next cycle) and will leave all of this sadness behind them.  And some of them will be right…their journeys will be short…but most of them will be wrong.  They don’t yet realize that they are in a marathon, not a sprint.  How do you tell someone to prepare themselves for the worst without quashing their hope?  As the group went on, you could see that a couple of women, frequently the ones who had suffered losses, exhibited signs of cracks in the hard exterior of hopefulness they’ve cloaked themselves in to get through the awfulness.  I didn’t want to be responsible for making those cracks deeper…but I also don’t want to mislead anyone.  Patience and I worked had to be realistic, discussing ways to prepare emotionally for the possibility that the journey may take longer than anticipated.  But we also tried to remind them that a lot of women had graduated from the group and a lot of women just need a little help to get pregnant.  There is a reason there are only a couple of senior members.  We are an anomaly.

As I watched the effect that our words had on the newbies, I was saddened.  I heard the contrast between my outlook and theirs.  They are all a “Postive Polly,” certain that sunshine and rainbows and lots of babies are right around the corner…waiting for them to round the bend and trip into their “happily ever after.”  I’ve become a “Negative Nelly.”  I don’t believe there are rainbows and sunshine around the corner.  In fact, when I get to a corner, I peek around it to make sure I’m not walking into a wall of heartache and emotional devastation.  I’m not excitedly running to see what comes next.  I’m standing back and wondering if it is even worth taking another step.  This journey has been too long, already.  Please let it be over soon…so I can go back to being Polly.