Learning to Say "No" When I Want To Say "Yes"

Fairy tales have a plot line.  No superfluous sub-plots or stories.  Everything is about the hero/heroine getting to the end of their journey quickly and linearly.  I’m trying to take a lesson from the fairy tales and streamline my life right now because I feel like my story is currently nothing but sub-plots.  I have friends having baby showers and babies and, while I am so happy that I have made it to a place where I’m not panicking about these things anymore and can look forward to the happy events, those events are still stressful, if only in a good but “busy” sort of way.  I have new infertility friends and old infertility friends that I am constantly writing to and saying, let’s make plans…but then I start to panic because I realize I am running out of time between doctor’s appointments, work, injections, acupuncture, etc.  I truly want to get together with everyone, but I keep making plans and sometimes I have to break those plans because I’ve made too many for my psyche to handle.  And the recent issues I was having with the pill (the health problems are improving, by the way) really cut into my schedule because for a couple of weeks it has been hard for me to do anything after work.

On top of all of this, I have the sub-plot of my sister-issues.  Thank you for all of the support on that front, by the way.  To update you on that, her husband got his notice that he is being deported in May because he did not finish one form that he needed to fill out.  Never mind that he has been given over a year by the immigration judge to get that form filled out.  Never mind that churches and family and friends have spent thousands of dollars trying to get him his green card.  He’s decided to walk away, knowing that he won’t be able to attempt to re-enter the country for 10 years (not that I’m exactly crying over that aspect of this situation).  To avoid being detained while he awaits deportation, he has opted to leave voluntarily before the deportation date.  He has bought a plane ticket for himself (and my nephew will fly for free) for April 15^th.  I spoke with my sister yesterday and she started to explain her reasons for sending my nephew away, insisting it is temporary and he will come back.  I told her that she has no custody order in a U.S. court so, even if the government of Belize would be inclined to honor a custody agreement, she will have no grounds at all for fighting to get my nephew back once he is gone.  Having fallen in love with my nephew on sight, I doubt that my sister’s husband’s family will be inclined to let my nephew go once they have been raising him for awhile.  I think it is more likely that, when my sister and my niece go to Belize this summer for a visit, no one will be coming back to America.  Given the urgency of the situation, the Prince and I visit my sister’s family next weekend (the 9^th and 10^th).  I told my sister that I do not want to talk about why we are there.  She knows how I feel about the decision she is making and I know her reasons for making the decision.  We are never going to agree on this, so why make things uncomfortable.  It is going to be so hard to say goodbye, but I’ve decided that it would be harder to regret not saying goodbye.  So there’s that going on.

Because I am now going away for that weekend in April, I have had to reschedule things I had planned for that weekend…moving them to the next weekend.  The problem is, that next weekend I am registered for (and have paid to attend) the annual MENSA Mind Games event…where toy companies submit prototypes of new games for MENSA members to play and judge.  You must play 30 games between Friday at 4:00 p.m. and Sunday at 9:00 a.m.  So, it is essentially a game marathon.  You aren’t expected to sleep.  I am also supposed to be attending a friend’s baby shower and marriage counseling that Saturday.  I have written to the Mind Games director and explained that I have a health issue that will make it next to impossible for me to fulfill my duties as a participant.  I will give my spot up for one of the people on the waiting list or someone who could not afford the registration fee, and will just volunteer as my “condition” allows.  Realistically…I’m not lying.  IF is a health condition, and how am I going to handle taking Lupron injections and estrogen pills, while playing games for 40 hours?  I know how I am on those meds…I’m liable to cry every time I lose a game…and cry every time I win a game.  Plus, I get so fatigued, I don’t think I can stay up for 40 hours straight.  I’m not even sure that it is a good idea to go to my friend’s baby shower, even if I can get out of Mind Games, because I foresee mental exhaustion and terrible hormone imbalances making me a mess that day.  Sprinkle in a little morning marriage counseling and it is really a recipe for disaster.

The medium/intuitive I saw on Wednesday night (I know…I have to get back to that at some point) said (as I was walking down the hall towards her) “Your mind is like a rolodex…stuff just spinning and flying all over.  You really need to slow it down.  Make some space.  Clear your social calendar and focus on making space for a baby.”  I’ve got to say, I feel like she’s right.  But it is so hard to say “no,” especially when there are so many things I want to do.  I keep crying today.  I don’t know if it is because of the Lupron/coming off the pill, because of exhaustion or because I am sending out all of my emails telling people I just can’t do things this month.  I wish I had some catchy April Fool’s themed post to offer today, but I don’t.  Even writing is taking a lot of effort today.



The Pouty Princess

What happened to me?  I am on this emotional rollercoaster and I haven’t even started treatments.  Looking back through my last few posts, I started out in a pretty rough place, but as the posts went on, I saw myself getting happier and more rational.   Then, last time I wrote I was talking about battling the “glass half empty” feeling.  Now, today, the darkness is rolling in.  I’m watching myself and I want to change what I see happening, but I feel powerless to do so.

This morning, my husband came into my bedroom (we sleep in separate rooms whenever one of us is sick, so as not to contaminate the other person) and woke me up in, what I considered to be, an obnoxious way – turning on the light and yelling “It’s wakey wakey time!”  I yelled back, “No…if it was wakey time, I would be AWAKE!  I’m not two years old…I’m old enough to decide when I need to wake up.”  That was a great start to what was destined to become a “great” day. 

Next, I slipped on ice outside of my house, getting into the car to go to work.  So I spent a half and hour in the freezing cold, with my cold, salting our driveway.  When I emailed my husband from work to let him know I’d salted, there was no appreciation.  Instead, he informed me that he already salted this morning.  I wanted to say “Clearly not well enough” but at least had enough self-control to avoid that fight. 

I’m still sick and am coughing so hard that I actually have a headache from coughing.  I can’t focus.  All I can think about is “why hasn’t the donor started her period yet?”  It’s been 23 days since the donor coordinator (D.C.) told me that she would call when my donor started her AF.  So…being the obsessive person that I am, I started thinking that at this point, assuming a 28 day cycle, my donor would have had to be on day 5 of her period when the D.C. told me we were waiting for the donor to start her period.  So after that thought, I got angry…because the donor coordinator never mentioned that my donor was in her cycle at that time and it would be another month before we would get started on anything.  Then, I thought, “What if this wasn’t the D.C.’s omission, what if there is something wrong with my donor and she has an irregular cycle?”  I can hear how ridiculous this sounds as I type it, but that’s where my mind went.  I am an extremely logical person, but logic went out the window, just then.  At that point, obsession had kicked in and I couldn’t do any work.  I just sat there and stewed.

So, like a person fresh out of a break-up, who makes that drunken 3 a.m. phone call to “the ex” that is regretted for years to come, I emailed the D.C.  I didn’t even attempt to conceal my insanity.  I came up with a pretense for emailing her and then launched into a barrage of questions…Was everything okay for the cycle to move forward?  Were we still waiting for the donor to call with her Day 1?  Was everything okay with her cycle, because it was seeming a little long and I would be concerned if she is having an off cycle?  Was the primary recipient couple (i.e. – the other couple we are sharing the eggs with this cycle) ready to go?  You (the D.C.) had said we would be starting in February, but it seems like we won’t be since we have to wait three weeks after the donor has her first AF day before we take the meds.  Oh…and “thanks for your patience.”

In her typical fashion, my D.C. was less than warm and fuzzy in her response.  She and I have very different personality types, and it is difficult for me to not take her brief and sometimes unresponsive replies to my questions as her being snippy with me.  She always puts “Have a great day!” at the end of her messages…but I feel like she is just plastering a bandaid on a black eye that she just gave me.  My husband reads the D.C.’s messages and sees nothing wrong with them…so I guess this is just a problem with my perspective.  But, in my defense, she has a reputation for being very matter of fact and not particularly sympathetic.  Anyways, I digress.  She responded to my email, saying “The donor will call in with the first day of her period and I will let you know when that happens.  The primary recipient couple is doing their mock cycle right now.  Have a nice day!”  Ugh!  First, I got pissed because my questions weren’t really answered.  Then I got pissed that the other couple is doing their mock cycle now, when I had been told at the end of January that they were finishing up their mock cycle.  So…either that couple is having issues that could hold things up or someone lied to me. 

What the hell is wrong with me?  I’m even cursing like a sailor in this post.  I feel the darkness creeping in.  I’m writing my blog post at work (something I’ve never done).  I really want to go to bed right now and sleep the rest of the day away (but I can’t because this stupid cold has already caused me to use too much of my sick leave).  I don’t want to speak to my husband because I’m mad at him, even though I know there is no reason to be angry.  I feel like a puppy that got spanked…sad and fearful…waiting for the next assault.  I get it that this is all crazy.  But why am I here right now, in this dark place, when I was doing so good just a few days ago?  Princesses aren’t supposed to be moody and crazy (see, I managed to tie it in with the theme, even if it’s a crappy tie-in).  As I type this, with tears falling down my cheeks, I keep thinking “I hate infertility.  I hate it.”  That says it all, really.