Where Did the Time Go...

I can’t believe it has been over a week since my last post.  Time is FLYING by.  Tomorrow, I am officially 25 weeks pregnant and things are so different now than they were just a few weeks ago. 

I’ve settled into working from home and have finally reached an acceptable level of productivity.  Unfortunately, my labor union voted down our contract and, thus, I am potentially on the chopping block at work.  3,500 state employees are scheduled to be laid off.  Many have already received their notices and are anticipating being unemployed by the middle of this month.  There are 27 positions being cut from my agency.  Given my relative lack of seniority, I was quite certain I would be one of the 27 to go.  But, (knock on wood) I have not yet received a notice and am praying quite fervently that I won’t get one in the coming days…or weeks…or months.  I can’t imagine enduring the stress of losing my job at this point in my pregnancy, not to mention how “fun” it would be to try to find a new job as I waddle around and explain to prospective employers that they should hire me... just in time for me to go on maternity leave.  The Prince and I also really can’t afford to pay our bills without my income.  I have no control over the situation.  I can’t magically make myself have more seniority.  So I have to endure this frustrated, helpless feeling that I’ve experienced so many times before, though in a different context.  On the upside, I survived infertility.  Unemployment is a joke by comparison.

On a more cheery note, my appetite is back (in full force).  I still have a problem with my eyes being bigger than my stomach and my brain being completely mistaken about what my stomach wants.  For example, I went to the Taco Bell drive through tonight (gross…I know) and ordered $10 worth of food…for myself.  After a few bites I realized Taco Bell wasn’t what I wanted, so the dogs got a little Mexican feast.  After much experimenting, I found that Ramen noodles were what I actually wanted (I know…equally gross), so I made 2 packages.  After a few bites, I was full.  The pugs are happy about my new found finicky eating habits.  For them, this is a happy turn of events…but their vet likely will not be happy with the “pregnancy” weight they’ve put on.  My scale is starting to acknowledge the return of my appetite, but I am still down over 15 pounds from when I started the pregnancy, and I only have 13 1/2 weeks before my anticipated delivery date, so I’m not fretting just yet.

In addition to my appetite and weight, my energy has also returned, to some extent (although I am still tired a lot and still have to take a short nap most days). Unfortunately, the extra energy has not translated into motivation to get anything done.  Today I was thinking that what I feel right now is sort of like depression, without the sadness.  It isn’t a matter of lack of will power or an issue with procrastination that is keeping me from getting off the couch.  I simply can’t do it.  I'm content not to and miserable when I try to.  When I try to tackle some housecleaning or chores, I regret it…emotionally and physically.  Even light grocery shopping causes me to have cramps and spotting (sorry…TMI), though the blood is old blood and the doctor says that it is probably just from my adhesions and endometriosis getting irritated (TMI x 2).  I am watching my to-do list get longer and longer while I rest on the couch and do things that require nothing more than typing on my laptop (ebay’s baby section and I have become far too familiar with one another in the last couple of weeks).  I’ve decided to try to avoid feeling guilty about listening to my body and my intuition, so I am labeling what I am feeling as “nesting instinct.”  I’m not sure what “nesting instinct” actually is, but it seems to me that laying around, hatching a baby is what I am doing… so my behavior might qualify as “nesting.”  On days that I feel like doing more…I do.  But for now, I’m going to just trust myself about what level of activity is right for me.

A final thing that has drastically changed recently is the baby’s movements.  He is a powerful little guy and I can distinguish a head from a foot now.  I can see his movements from the outside of my belly, and The Prince and his mother have both been able to feel the baby kicking on multiple occasions (it just never gets old).  Sometimes, the baby pushes himself into a weird spot in my tummy, and I will get very uncomfortable as I see a little butt (or a head?) sticking out of my side.  Usually, if I just gently rub the area of the bump and the area around the bump, he’ll move for me.  Sometimes, I have to get on the floor and do some yoga poses before he gets the hint.  But all of it is lovely.  I’m trying very hard not to take any of this for granted.  It already saddens me to think that, in another few months, I won’t feel him inside of me ever again.  This is a once in a lifetime experience for me, and I am cherishing it as such.

As I finish this post, I just want to send some love to one of my dear IF friends.  She got her beta results today.  She is so amazing and so strong, and it breaks my heart that she is having to deal with disappointment, yet again.  A lot is changing very quickly for me during this pregnancy, but one thing that has not, and will not change, is my empathy for every woman who experiences disappointment in her journey to motherhood.  I won’t take the gift I’ve been given for granted, and I won’t ever leave your side (unless you make me) as you continue traveling towards your happily ever after.  I know it is on the horizon.

The Unwanted Accessory

Yesterday, I wore throw-up to an office training.  Yeah.  Classy.

The attorneys at my state agency were called in for an impromptu 2 ½ hour training at 9:30 a.m. yesterday.  That’s not a great time of day for my stomach.  I tried to sit close to the door, but people kept asking me to move over (further away from the door), so that more people could fit into the room.  When they turned off the air conditioning so that the people in the back of the room could hear the speaker better, I knew I was in trouble.  Sure enough, about one hour into the training, I had to step on people’s feet as I ran for the bathroom (which, luckily, was across the hall from the training room).  There were two other women in the bathroom at the time, but I couldn’t concern myself with them.  After about 15 minutes of praying to the porcelain god, I sheepishly left the bathroom stall to find the two women waiting for me.  They offered to take me to the hospital or to drive me home and, although I’ve been trying to tame my tendency to tell relative strangers about my pregnancy, I didn’t want them to worry, so I had to tell them that I was okay…I was just pregnant.  They offered to get me crackers and ginger ale, or to run over to the adjacent building with a cafeteria and see if they could find me soup or juice.  They were so sweet, but I was so humiliated, I just wanted to get away from them.

I took the elevator the four floors down to my office, ate a few saltines and bought a bottle of ginger ale from a vending machine.  Then, realizing that my supervisor would likely be unhappy about my extended absence from the mandatory training, I went back to the hot, stuffy, crowded training room.  I got seated and looked up to find that everyone across the table from me was staring at me.  I assumed it was because I had left so abruptly, so I lowered my eyes to avoid their stares.  That’s when I saw it…two large yellow wet spots on my light pink blouse (which becomes see-through when wet).  Apparently, the two women in the bathroom were too concerned for my well-being to notice that I had thrown-up on myself, or perhaps they were just too embarrassed to mention it.  Either way, I don’t think there was much question in my coworkers’ minds about what was on my shirt.  Humiliated, I again stepped over everyone and went back to the bathroom to try to wash my blouse (which then became even more see-through).  I don’t know why I didn’t look in the mirror earlier…probably because I was trying to escape from the two kind women from the bathroom.

I returned to the training room just as the presenter was finishing up.  I was afraid that I was going to get in trouble for missing so much of the training.  I couldn’t stand the idea of having to explain to my supervisor what had happened.  So, I was really pleasantly surprised when she came over to me and asked, in a whisper, whether I was alright.  She didn’t mention my shirt (which I was very grateful for) and she said that I didn’t need to worry about the training.  Later, I overheard some buzz around the office about whether I had a stomach bug or was pregnant, but no one actually confronted me about what happened and no one has really treated me any differently since the incident. 

Interestingly, looking back on the situation today, I am not really as upset by what happened as I normally would be.  Don’t get me wrong, the ordeal was REALLY embarrassing at the time.  But in a weird way, I am kind of grateful that it happened because it made me realize what a great position I am in right now.  Even though I wore throw-up to an office meeting, no one has been rude to me about it.  The two women in the bathroom, whom I had never met before that experience, were willing to leave work to take me to the hospital or home.  I’m a complete stranger to them…but they are so kind that they didn’t hesitate to offer their assistance.  If I heard someone retching in the bathroom, I have to admit that I would have just run to another bathroom before I suffered the same fate as the retcher.  Not these women…they were better than I am.  Then there’s my supervisor.  If this happened at the firm I used to work for, I would have been chastised by the partners.  They had little tolerance for any sickness or the need for special accommodations.  In contrast, in my current job, when my supervisor found out I was pregnant, she offered to allow me to park in a handicap parking spot, right next to the building, whenever I find that I am no longer able to make the walk from the parking garage to our building.  She offered to get a laptop for me so that I could work from home, giving me the peace of mind that, even if I am put on bed rest, I won’t lose my income leading up to the baby’s birth.  I know that this reaction by an employer is not the norm.  I know that I am blessed to work with, and for, such amazing people.  It is unfortunate that it took wearing throw-up to a meeting to really make me fully appreciate what a gift I’ve been given, but I think that sometimes that is how life works.  Although I hope I never have to wear throw-up again (at work or otherwise), this one time…I’ll take it.