Monday, June 11, 2012

Missing You

I know it has been way too long since I've written a post.  I think about my blog a lot, but I never seem to find free time to write.  I miss it.


We found a great nanny!  She is a few years younger than The Prince and I, but she is incredibly responsible.  She will watch Ian at our house and will bring her son (two weeks younger than Ian) with her.  I like the idea of Ian having a little buddy to grow and play with.  I have no concerns about the nanny being able to handle both guys (even though I couldn't do it), as she used to run an infant room in a daycare (8 infants being cared for by just her and one other adult).  She also watched her friend's son (three days younger than Ian) for a couple of months shortly after her son was born.  If she can handle two one-month old boys, she can handle two seven-month old boys.  We are currently rearranging and improving our house to prepare play areas for the boys.  I've ordered one inch thick foam mats for the floors of the two designated play rooms, we've put baby gates around all things breakable and dangerous, and we are working on getting rid of non-essentials to make room for baby things.  (If only we had a nursery...but alas, The Prince still hasn't even started that room.  Someday).


On a more negative note, my endometriosis is back.  I'm sure it never actually left, but I didn't feel it during the pregnancy or after delivery.  I wasn't sure if it was endo yesterday, when the cramping and sharp pains started.  I am in the process of weaning Ian and I thought maybe my "monthly cycle" was just starting up again.  Nope.  Today I felt the tell-tale sharp pains in my left pelvic region and the back ache that comes with it.  I know a lot of women have SERIOUS periods when they stop breastfeeding, but I am certain this is not that.  Unfortunately, I know my endo well...and it is back.  I am just hoping that a hormone fluctuation is to blame for this little endo surge.  I don't have space in my life right now for the debilitating chronic pain that goes along with endometriosis.  I'm not sure that endometriosis cares.


I am really struggling to let go of my guilt over giving up breastfeeding at 6 months.  The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no less than one year of breastfeeding.  The World Health Organization recommends no less than 2 years.  I have lots of friends who weren't able to breastfeed their babies, and I had no problem with that.  I fully supported them and I would be furious if anyone suggested that they should feel guilty.  I know they have healthy, happy little bundles of joy that suck their formula right down.  But for some reason, when it comes to my decision to switch Ian to formula at 6 months, I feel like crap about it.  So why am I making the switch?  Well, for one thing, I go back to work in a couple of weeks.  Right now, I am having to use (and rent) a hospital grade pump to get any milk.  I can't cart that thing back and forth to work and just pumping two or three times a day isn't going to keep my supply up.  So, pumping isn't going to work.  Plus, once I am back at work, I don't want to spend what little time I will have with Ian pumping.  The alternative is to give up sleep...and I don't want that either.

Also, I have had to take increasing doses of Reglan to try to keep up my milk supply.  It is starting to make me sick.  When the dose gets too high, that medicine causes a "dumping syndrome."  Basically, I feel shaky and sick, get cramps and have digestive upset.  My prescription runs out in 3 weeks...I don't want to get a new one.  I'm fighting my body to keep getting milk for Ian and the fight is just taking a lot out of me - physically and emotionally.  I cannot keep up with his intake needs anyway.  The issue is just whether he is going to get formula only, or whether I am going to continue torturing myself so that he can have formula AND breast milk. 

Ian had a serious dislike for formula at first.  He would just spit it and refuse to drink it.  After a few days, I got him to drink a couple of formula bottles as long as he was getting breast milk the rest of the day.  Then we went to half and half.  Now, he drinks formula all day and gets about 5 ounces of breast milk at night.  He clearly prefers the breast milk, but he doesn't hesitate when given formula.  He refused to nurse for all of May and most of April, but the last few days, when I started truly cutting my supply by only pumping once a day, he's decided he wants to nurse. 

The Prince makes my decision to stop breastfeeding more difficult by saying things like "He's nursing...clearly he's not ready to give up breast milk."  Or "Look at how much more he likes your milk.  Too bad you aren't sticking with it."  The Prince clearly can't understand the joys and hardships of breastfeeding, so I try to be patient with him...but really, his inability to understand should be motivation for him to keep his trap shut.  Ian is "making me feel guilty" by grabbing at my shirt all day and wanting the breast in his mouth at night, even if he doesn't actually suck.  The Prince is making me feel guilty by confirming my fears that Ian isn't ready to be weaned.  Maybe I should be feeling guilty...and that's why I am.  I don't know.  I just wish Ian had made the decision to actually nurse (as opposed to only eating breast milk bottles) prior to me making the decision to stop breastfeeding...or that he had stuck with his breast-boycott altogether.  I can't stand this second-guessing and guilt.


This post has been really random and all over the place.  Sorry about that.  I guess that's what happens when I stay away too long.  I do know how I want to wrap this up though...I want to say thank you to all of my friends.  I try to read your blogs whenever I can and the power of your words and experiences keep me feeling connected to the world.  Some people have just had some disappointments, some have just had births of their long-awaited children, some are adjusting to mommyhood, and some are still trudging through the IF trenches.  All of you are amazing.  It has been amazing to watch the IF journeys of so many women (including those in my personal life).  I had a dream the other night (no kidding), that I was sitting in a garden, watching flowers bloom as one at a time.  I realized that a new flower bloomed every time one of my IF friends had a baby.  There were different types of flowers, different sizes, and different colors because each woman's dreams about becoming a mom were different.  I know that's super corny, but I woke with a smile on my face and carried a good feeling with me that whole morning.  I know not all of the buds have opened yet, but I have faith they are going to.  

Ian and his mommy (my little bloom).