Friday, May 18, 2012

Nanny Needed

I haven't had much time to write lately.  It seems the older Ian gets, the more time I spend with him.  I rarely want to do anything else, but I must take some time for myself to.  Luckily, The Prince recognizes this fact and, today, he decided to take Ian to visit my in-laws, so I could have a few hours to myself.

This last week has been especially stressful.  First, there was more drama with my family (can't even get into it because it makes me sick to my stomach to think about it).  Then, there was my first daycare tour.  I'll be returning to week the first week in July.  We placed Ian on the waiting lists for two daycares when I was 12 weeks pregnant.  He has just now made it to the top of the list (just in time).  I knew it would be hard for me to accept that I am going to be leaving Ian in the care of strangers, but I had no idea just how hard it would be.

We (The Prince, Ian and I) went to the first daycare last Thursday.  It is for state employees and we had heard good things.  UGH!!!  The carpeting was dirty and frayed.  There were dirty and broken toys everywhere.  Way too many kids were crammed into way too small of a space...and none of the 50 or so kids were smiling.  In one room, a little girl came over and hugged my legs and begged me to be their new teacher because the teacher they had was mean.  Seriously!  The infant room had 10 infants at the time of our tour...usually there are 16.  There were 3 adults in the room.  Most of the infants were crying and the teachers were paying no attention to the crying.  Two were getting breakfast ready for the older infants and one was changing a diaper of a younger infant.  Babies were just sitting and laying around.  I didn't even make it out of the room before I started bawling.

New York state requires that daycares have one adult for every 4 infants under the age of 2.  So that's what daycares do...a 4 to 1 ratio.  It's too much.  I have friends whose children go to daycares and they are perfectly happy with the care their babies receive with the 4:1, but I can't do it.  Ian is used to my constant care and attention.  We've practiced attachment parenting, so he has never been left to just cry it out (not that he has never been allowed to just cry for a few minutes to blow off steam...but he knows I'm there and I love him while he does it).  Putting him in the daycare environment would be traumatic for him...and I say that with certainty.  Even The Prince, who is all about saving money (and daycare is cheaper than any other childcare option) walked out of that first tour saying...NO WAY!

After the first tour, I placed an add for a nanny.  The Prince and I decided that, even though it will likely cost about half of my take-home pay, it is worth it while Ian is still an infant.  His well-being and our peace-of-mind needs to come before financial concerns. 

We took a second tour, yesterday, of the daycare on the campus where The Prince is a professor.  It was sooooo much better, and we feel really comfortable sending Ian there...when he's a toddler.  The infant room was, once again, depressing.  I watched one teacher put a crying baby in a crib, say "take a nap," and walk away to write in a notebook.  Another teacher in the infant room was talking about how her son would be starting at the daycare now that he is 2.  I said "He didn't come here with you to the infant room?"  She said "Oh no...he's with people I trust."  Really?!?  Glowing recommendation.

So, we've put ourselves on the waiting list for an opening in the toddler room next year, and will hire a nanny to get us through until then.  There are a lot of candidates.  I received 30 responses to our ad.  I reviewed references and background checks, read profiles and started my stupid grading system.  I narrowed the candidates down to the 7 best (although it is really difficult to say who is "better" than someone else when the criteria is so subjective).  What I'm doing now reminds me a lot of what I did to find the right egg donor for us.  At noon today, I wrote to the 7 top candidates, explaining what we are willing to pay and what we expect in return.  I assumed that this would weed-out the people who are not on the same page as us, so we don't waste anyone's time.  So far, 5 have responded that they would like an interview.  It looks like next Saturday is going to be spent conducting interviews. 

I'm excited, but scared.  This is one of those things that you have to get right.  Ian's safety and happiness depends on this decision.  I can't stay with him everyday for the next year, so I need to make sure that the person who is spending time with him is going to be able to care about him...not as much as I do...but close.  Who knew, a year ago, that finding a nanny would be on my to-do list.  I know you are probably sick of hearing me say "what a difference a year makes," but I can't help it.  It's just surreal.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Transfer Update - Take Two

One year ago today, I was providing an update of my first donor egg cycle embryo transfer.  Little did I know that one of the two embryos being transferred would stick for the long haul.  Little did I know that the tiny 10-cell being in the picture below was going to become the little boy I am holding in my arms today.

Ian's first photo

Ian turned five months old today.  He has his own little personality.  He has very clear opinions about EVERYTHING and he will let you know what they are by yelling his babble at you when you misstep.  I have to pinch myself to remind myself that this is my new reality.  No more failed IVF cycle after failed IVF cycle.  Now my days are spent changing diapers, working hard to elicit the most beautiful little smile in the world, and loving life.  I can't believe how much has changed in my life in one year.  I know I've said that before, but it is true everyday.  I can't believe this is my life. 

In my post from last year, I talked about the doctor making me chant "I believe."  I found it ridiculous at the time, but I chose to actually believe in that cycle...and for once, I hadn't set myself up for the fall.  My dream came true and I couldn't be more grateful for the blessing I've been given.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Please Send Some Love

One of our IF sisters is having a rough time right now.  I'm not going to go into details because I think it is for her to share what she is comfortable sharing whenever she is ready.  But I know she could really use some love and encouragement right now and the blog world support system is one of the best.  So, I am asking all of you to take a second to head over to Krystyn's blog at and give her some bloggy love.

Thank you so much for your help.