I am still aglow from yesterday’s very positive retrieval/fertilization outcome. I foresee myself staying that way straight through Tuesday, but am going to keep myself busy (can we say mani/pedi?) just in case. There is only one potential wrinkle in my plan of basking in
…The Prince. LaLa Land
Given The Prince’s relative positivity about this cycle, I really expected yesterday’s news to make him as ecstatic as I was. I even thought that the news was so good and such a surprise that it might break down the wall he keeps up and he would show some excitement. I WAS WRONG! Not only was The Prince’s reaction not very positive, it bordered on the line of "freaking out."
When I told him we had 12 fertilized eggs to work with, the first words out of his mouth were “Oh…that’s good…I guess we will have a second or third try if this time doesn’t work.” (WHAT?!? “If this doesn’t work?” Where did that come from?)
So, trying to steer the conversation in a different direction, I said “Come on…this time will work and we will just have potential siblings on ice for the baby we have this time around. Positive Polly, right?”
He said “I don’t think so. Unless you want to wait three years or so, which isn’t really an option with your health condition. Do you know how much it costs to have two kids in daycare at the same time? I do. It’s $3860 per month...for the discounted on-campu one. We can’t afford that…unless you want to go back into private practice and try to make more money, which I don’t think you want to do. I think we could give the extra embryos up for adoption, because it would be good to have more ‘me’s’ in the world (he said that with complete seriousness)…but we aren’t going to try for two kids….And we are only going to transfer 2 embryos…that hasn’t changed right? We don’t have to do more, do we? Because I don’t want to. It’s bad enough…”
I cut him off there because…well…he was killing my buzz and I didn’t want to know what was “bad enough.” With the hormones I’m on, he already had me crying. I told him that he was being a jerk and that, even if he felt that way, he should really just let me be happy for a day or two…or at least until transfer….without having to stress out about my husband having a mid-cycle crisis. I told him that he clearly has issues he needs to work out about all of this but he should have done that already…like any time over the last three years. I chastised him for not seeing his individual counselor during this cycle, like he had promised me and our marriage counselor he would do, because his counselor would have helped him to work through these issues, or at least learn how to vocalize them in an appropriate manner at an appropriate time. At that point, he did stop vocalizing his “freak out” session. He went into Pouty Prince mode, and, for the most part, has remained there.
I’m not going to let The Prince’s reaction take away my happiness about this. In fact, I am going to do what I frequently do in these situations…look at him as if he were a young child, learning how to feel emotions and express himself. I'll just wait for him to work through his tantrum and “catch up” to "big boy emotions." It is hard to be mad at a young child…you just pity the child’s struggles. I’ll tell myself that he is like a slightly spoiled only child who is pouting because he learned that he is getting a new brother or sister. That makes me want to say, “Ohhhh Honey, it will be okay” instead of “What the heck is your problem?” I just wish, that for once, we were completely on the same page…mentally and emotionally…so we could enjoy the big milestones together as a couple. The only time that ever happened was on our wedding day...when he completely surprised me with how amazing, emotional, funny and supportive he can be.
The Prince’s pouting about haveing a great number of fertilized eggs (good news) is making me seriously rethink my “We’ve got a Situation” pregnancy announcement plan. I’ve bought the T-shirt and, if he reacts as one would expect, it would be a great happy, humorous moment. But what if he doesn’t laugh? What if he doesn’t smile? What if he says something stupid like “I told you I thought it was going to work”…or worse…starts quoting the costs of pregnancy statistics to me? I’ve dreamed of the “pregnancy announcement” moment for years now…built it up in my mind and watched us come together as a couple in tears of joy. I deserve that moment. When I was going through shots, or sleeping on the bathroom floor because I couldn’t stop being sick with grief over another failed cycle, I kept thinking about how awesome the “pregnancy announcement” moment was going to feel…how it would all be worth it. Now I’m thinking…he’s going to ruin this for me. I don’t just want a certain reaction from him…I NEED a certain reaction in that situation…but I don’t know if he’s capable of giving it to me. I know…you probably are thinking that I’m seriously jumping the gun here, but I’m a planner and I need a plan to avoid what happened yesterday from happening again on my happiest of occasions. I’m believing wholeheartedly that this cycle is going to work…so I have to consider this issue. Maybe not today…but sometime in the next couple of weeks.
Any advice on how to think about this/work through this situation? I’m guessing there are some other “princes” out there like mine. He cannot be the sole little boy in a big boy body.