Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Charging Into Battle

I am trying to put the family drama behind me to look forward to this cycle.  As many of you pointed out, I can do nothing to change the sister-situation, so it is a fruitless endeavor to worry and “what if” the situation to death.  Fretting about the fate of my niece and nephew has left me exhausted, sore (my mind-body connection is a little too strong) and frustrated.  I need to look forward to this donor egg cycle with positivity and hope…because it is coming with challenges all its own.  So with a heavy heart, I am determined to lay down that burden and accept that some force greater than me will need to protect and watch over those children.  I cannot be their savior, but I could potentially become a Mommy of my own child very soon…and that child-to-be deserves my full attention right now.

Yesterday morning, I had my baseline ultrasound and blood work.  The nurse said things looked great on the ultrasound (and later I found out my blood level were perfect for baseline – Yeah!!!).  However, the nurse did not give me a tentative schedule, like they normally do at baseline appointments, because the donor coordinator needed to make sure neither my donor, nor the other recipient, had functional cysts.  The nurse told me that the other recipient “may” have had a problem with functional cysts in the past.  The donor has never had to stop a cycle because of a cyst but if she had one that was big enough, they would keep us all suppressed and try to shrink hers to make more room on her ovaries.  It had never occurred to me that things might not get started yesterday.  At first I was irritated, and then worried.  In fact, I got no work done, spending most of the day worrying obsessively and making a chart of all of the possible retrieval, transfer and beta dates.  I also threw in “first heartbeat,” “end of first trimester,” and singleton and twin due dates, for good measure.  That kept me busy and sane (or at least relatively sane) most of the day.  As the day went on, my irritation turned to sympathy for the other recipient and donor.  I thought, if I was the other recipient, I would be really sad to have spent all that money only to watch the cycle go on without me…making me wait for frozen eggs later on.  And, if the donor had a cyst, I’m sure she would be frustrated because she has been waiting a long time to get going on this cycle, too.  Plus, I would want to wait to give us the best chance at the most eggs.  It would be stupid to give up a higher egg count just because of my impatience.  So, by the afternoon, I had convinced myself that I would not totally freak out if the cycle was delayed.  I just needed to know.

Finally, at 3:00 p.m., I couldn’t take the suspense any longer and I called and left a message for the donor coordinator.  She called me back and was very pleasant…which gives me hope that maybe she becomes “warm and fuzzy” once you are in your donor cycle.  She said that the donor is baseline, has no cysts and is ready to go.  I asked about the other recipient and she said that I don’t need to worry about the other recipient and that will not be affecting my cycle.  I don’t know what that means, but whatever it means, the coordinator is probably right.  I should focus on my own cycle and the donor’s cycle.  That combo is stressful enough.

What I didn’t count on is how long the cycle is going to take.  I thought the donor would start her stims yesterday, making late next week the most likely time of egg retrieval.  I was wrong.  My lining takes a long time to build, so the donor will start her stims Thursday and the tentative egg retrieval date is Monday, the 25th.  The 25th is better, because of The Prince’s selfishly scheduled cosmetic surgery appointment, but I’m not great with change so I had to deep breathe my way through that part.  It’s so strange to have a “probably” date after all of this waiting. 

My medication protocol started in earnest yesterday.  I take estrogen pills three times a day, dexamethasone one time a day, an antibiotic every three days for twelve days (4 doses total…and The Prince takes those, too), and I continue the Lupron injections, baby aspirin, and prenatal vitamins.  I’ll get checked next Monday to see how my lining is doing and will likely have my intralipid IV next Friday.  Things are cruising right along now, but I will definitely be in my two week wait on Mother’s Day.  I am oddly relieved that I won’t know for sure if I am pregnant until after Mother’s Day is over (I might be rethinking that position when Mother’s Day actually comes along).  It would just be too hard to go through that day if I knew that our last chance failed.

So, it’s onward and upward.  Feel free to call me out if I seem to be getting sucked into serious negative thinking over the next couple of weeks.  I love the support and sympathy that you – my friends – are so graciously willing to give to me, but I am aware that feeling positive this cycle is more important than any temporary hurt feelings over any reality checks that get doled out…or at least that’s how I feel pre-estrogen taking over my body.  The Prince would definitely warn you not to say anything less than supportive, but he is not all of you…he can’t feel what I am feeling…and I know that all of you can, so it is different.  I know I say it a lot, but I really can’t tell you all how much it means to me to have you going through this journey with me.  I feel like I have my own little army of supporters, and it is such a relief not to be alone in this battle.


My New Normal said...

It's all so exciting.

Lindsey said...

Yeah! Cycle moving forward! I love that you made a chart of potential retreival/transfer/HB/1stTrimester dates, I swear I update my own spread sheet of this daily... Thanks for your kind words on my sad post yesterday too, is so wonderful to have friends that understand. I have absolutely everything crossed taht you will have the best mothers day ever!

Christina said...

I didn't comment on yesterday's post, because I don't think I could have trusted myself to not say anything not nice. It hit a bit close to home with how my older sister use to be...

But as for your upcoming donor cycle -How exciting that things are starting! I'll sit on the edge of my seat for the next several weeks to hear how things keep going!

Ants said...

Yay for things happening!I can so understand you making a chart of all the dates,I'm always working out the different scenarios well before we have any idea, it's just nice to have a little plan to work towards!
Really hoping you will have a wonderful late Mothers day gift :) xo

New Year Mum said...

Great that you're body is on track and ready to start :)) Love your list/chart making... that's exactly what I do when I'm stressed ! Fantastic news that your donor is ready too.... and all my fingers and toes are crossed that you have a late Mother's Day gift too xoxo