Tuesday, April 5, 2011

When "Happily Ever After" Isn't

My friend who had a baby on Saturday, an infertility survivor, had a rough time at the end of her pregnancy.  She developed a health problem that required her doctor to move up her C-section date because the baby was in distress.  My other friend who is pregnant has had complications with her pregnancy that are causing her a tremendous amount of pain.  Yesterday, I found out that The Prince’s cousin, who had her three year old daughter announce the pregnancy via Facebook video last month, had to terminate her pregnancy.  The baby was going to have terrible deformities that would almost certainly kill the baby at birth and could kill the mother before the birth.  The Prince’s cousin is devastated.  I hadn’t realized that they had been trying for the baby for two years.  And then there is my sister…who has found herself unable to bond with her own child.

I have started getting excited and hopeful about my cycle.  Believing that it is possible that this time is the time that is going to bring me my “happily ever after.”  To me… "happily ever after” has always represented getting the positive line on the pee stick…seeing the heartbeat on the ultrasound…and holding my newborn baby in my arms (I skip over the labor part).  But I’m beginning to wonder if I am being too short-sighted.  I’ve seen lots of infertility friends get pregnant and develop anxiety issues during their pregnancy…making them unable to enjoy the thing they worked so hard for, because they are always waiting for something bad to happen.  I promised myself that I would never do that…but now I feel like I’ve opened my eyes and I understand why that phenomenon happens.  When you’ve been dealt a load of crap for years while trying to get pregnant, how can you let down your guard during the pregnancy?

I know…first things first.  Get pregnant before worrying about what comes after getting pregnant.  But that’s not the kind of person I am.  I’m a planner and I’ve been planning for my “happily ever after” for a long time.  Now I am worried that my positive line on the pregnancy test isn’t going to be the end of my journey…that the bumps in the roads and the villains will just take on a new form.  I’m not certain I can handle a longer journey.

Sorry if I’m bumming anyone else out.  I needed to get these thoughts out of my head and blogging about them is the best way that I know how to do that.  I’m going to try to push these thoughts out of my mind and live in the land of denial in order to hold on to my hope this cycle.  What else can I do?


Endo_Life said...

I always think of what if something goes wrong once I am pg (if I ever do get pg). I guess we just have to deal with things as and when they happen we can't live our lives by what if's. To have these thoughts though is normal but hopefully for both of us we will avoid those bumps in the road.

My New Normal said...

Ah yes, getting pregnant is really the beginning of the journey. But for some of us, it takes us longer to get to the beginning.

In my case, I got tripped right before the finish line and am having to find my way back to the beginning again. What my struggles and loss have taught me is to appreciate every moment because you really don't know what the future holds.

S said...

My husband and I were discussing something similar over the weekend. He shared that he is worried that our DE cycle won't work and that, even if it does work, he will be worried that I will miscarry.

I told him that once you decide to take the first step toward having a child, there will always be something to worry about. It certainly doesn't end when you get pregnant, or even when you give birth. Those things are just the beginning.

And sadly, there do seem to be a lot of women who experience losses or sick babies after infertility. If there were any fairness about all this, women who used ART to conceive would be exempt from these problems.

Anonymous said...

This is all so true. I dont think infertiles get to blissfully enjoy pregnancy like fertiles, but we also appreciate the small things; morning sickness, swollen hands, waddling down a hall, a bit more bc we worked so hard. We don't complain as much throughout pregnancy bc we appreciate what is happening a little bit more.
That is terrible news about your cousin. In any situation to terminate a pregnancy would be heart wrenching, but one they had to work for 2 years to have-unspeakable.

Kristen said...

Good luck with your upcoming cycle!
Just wanted to say that after 5 years trying to get pregnant with husband #2 (plus a year or two with husband #1 when I was in my 20s) I am now 11 weeks pregnant and have for the most part been able to relax about the pregnancy. I've never had any problems with being pregnant before (miscarriages etc), just getting pregnant, so maybe that's why. I have also been trying pretty hard to stay detached through the first trimester (something that's getting harder and harder). I've actually been really surprised by how little anxiety I've had.
-Kristen from www.buckupbuttercup.net

New Year Mum said...

So sorry to hear about your Prince's cousin.. that would be so heart-breaking to go through. Unfortunately a BFP is only the beginning of more worry... but sounds like you have got your eyes open and feet firmly on the ground, so ready to deal with every hurdle. Here with you every step of the way xoxo