Saturday, April 30, 2011

The Prince is Pouting

I am still aglow from yesterday’s very positive retrieval/fertilization outcome.  I foresee myself staying that way straight through Tuesday, but am going to keep myself busy (can we say mani/pedi?) just in case.  There is only one potential wrinkle in my plan of basking in LaLa Land…The Prince.

Given The Prince’s relative positivity about this cycle, I really expected yesterday’s news to make him as ecstatic as I was.  I even thought that the news was so good and such a surprise that it might break down the wall he keeps up and he would show some excitement.  I WAS WRONG!  Not only was The Prince’s reaction not very positive, it bordered on the line of "freaking out." 

When I told him we had 12 fertilized eggs to work with, the first words out of his mouth were “Oh…that’s good…I guess we will have a second or third try if this time doesn’t work.”  (WHAT?!?  “If this doesn’t work?”  Where did that come from?) 

So, trying to steer the conversation in a different direction, I said “Come on…this time will work and we will just have potential siblings on ice for the baby we have this time around.  Positive Polly, right?” 

He said “I don’t think so.  Unless you want to wait three years or so, which isn’t really an option with your health condition.  Do you know how much it costs to have two kids in daycare at the same time?  I do.  It’s $3860 per month...for the discounted on-campu one.  We can’t afford that…unless you want to go back into private practice and try to make more money, which I don’t think you want to do.  I think we could give the extra embryos up for adoption, because it would be good to have more ‘me’s’ in the world (he said that with complete seriousness)…but we aren’t going to try for two kids….And we are only going to transfer 2 embryos…that hasn’t changed right?  We don’t have to do more, do we?  Because I don’t want to.  It’s bad enough…”

I cut him off there because…well…he was killing my buzz and I didn’t want to know what was “bad enough.”  With the hormones I’m on, he already had me crying.  I told him that he was being a jerk and that, even if he felt that way, he should really just let me be happy for a day or two…or at least until transfer….without having to stress out about my husband having a mid-cycle crisis.  I told him that he clearly has issues he needs to work out about all of this but he should have done that already…like any time over the last three years.  I chastised him for not seeing his individual counselor during this cycle, like he had promised me and our marriage counselor he would do, because his counselor would have helped him to work through these issues, or at least learn how to vocalize them in an appropriate manner at an appropriate time.  At that point, he did stop vocalizing his “freak out” session.  He went into Pouty Prince mode, and, for the most part, has remained there.

I’m not going to let The Prince’s reaction take away my happiness about this.  In fact, I am going to do what I frequently do in these situations…look at him as if he were a young child, learning how to feel emotions and express himself.  I'll just wait for him to work through his tantrum and “catch up” to "big boy emotions."  It is hard to be mad at a young child…you just pity the child’s struggles.  I’ll tell myself that he is like a slightly spoiled only child who is pouting because he learned that he is getting a new brother or sister.  That makes me want to say, “Ohhhh Honey, it will be okay” instead of “What the heck is your problem?”  I just wish, that for once, we were completely on the same page…mentally and emotionally…so we could enjoy the big milestones together as a couple.  The only time that ever happened was on our wedding day...when he completely surprised me with how amazing, emotional, funny and supportive he can be. 

The Prince’s pouting about haveing a great number of fertilized eggs (good news) is making me seriously rethink my “We’ve got a Situation” pregnancy announcement plan.  I’ve bought the T-shirt and, if he reacts as one would expect, it would be a great happy, humorous moment.  But what if he doesn’t laugh?  What if he doesn’t smile?  What if he says something stupid like “I told you I thought it was going to work”…or worse…starts quoting the costs of pregnancy statistics to me?  I’ve dreamed of the “pregnancy announcement” moment for years now…built it up in my mind and watched us come together as a couple in tears of joy.  I deserve that moment.  When I was going through shots, or sleeping on the bathroom floor because I couldn’t stop being sick with grief over another failed cycle, I kept thinking about how awesome the “pregnancy announcement” moment was going to feel…how it would all be worth it.  Now I’m thinking…he’s going to ruin this for me.  I don’t just want a certain reaction from him…I NEED a certain reaction in that situation…but I don’t know if he’s capable of giving it to me.  I know…you probably are thinking that I’m seriously jumping the gun here, but I’m a planner and I need a plan to avoid what happened yesterday from happening again on my happiest of occasions.  I’m believing wholeheartedly that this cycle is going to work…so I have to consider this issue.  Maybe not today…but sometime in the next couple of weeks.

Any advice on how to think about this/work through this situation?  I’m guessing there are some other “princes” out there like mine.  He cannot be the sole little boy in a big boy body.     


My New Normal said...

It's such an emotional roller coaster.

I'm not surprised that emotions are running high for you and for the prince. This is a huge deal and a lot is at stake. Both financially and emotionally.

I don't know what advice to give you other than try to go easy on each other and yourselves. At the end of the day, you're in this together.

Hang in there, and good luck on Tuesday!

Anonymous said...

I think just like we have our emotional changes, the boys do too. C the first go round wanted to do everything we could to avoid twins, now he sings a different tune. He wants twins so we don't have to do this over again, but it took him months to truly mean it. Give him some days, maybe he does want too but the emotional aspect of it all is too much to think about going through again. Once he hears, you are pregnant, he will be thrilled whether its a singleton or twins.
Yes the cost is CRAZY expensive, but after all you have been through, you'll make it work and have a happily ever after family....
Just give him time and let him be and do what he needs to to get through.
Keep you happiness and positivity though, I LOVE IT!

New Year Mum said...

Certainly sounds like a "mid-cycle crisis"... and maybe the reality that this is highly likely to work is really hitting home with him and all the emotion has caught up. One thing I know of sure is that we stressed about money when I was pregnant with our now toddler and thought maybe we should only have 2 (good private schools etc)... but when you meet your little ones and see the amazement that is your little one.... worry about money goes out the window and you know that you can work it out somehow to have more children. Sounds like your thinking he needs time to work through his emotions is a good strategy.... keep yourself positive :)) You've had such great news and deserve to cherish every moment xoxo

S said...

My advice probably isn't what you want to hear. . . . but I say, let him be. (Actually, it sounds like you are already doing this, just feeling bad about it.) He is dealing with many of the same difficult emotions you are, he just sounds like he deals with them in a different way.

I have been giddily excited ever since we matched with our donor and starting taking concrete steps toward our DE cycle. My husband doesn't feel the same way and, in fact, has asked me not to talk to him about what we will do if the cycle works and we actually have a baby.

At first, this put a little bit of a damper on my excitement, but after a little while I realized that this is just his way of preparing for a possible disappointment. I don't have to agree with it to respect it, and I am still feeling as excited as ever. . . . I just talk to him about it a lot less. ;-)

Also, it concerns me a little to hear you say you "NEED" a certain reaction from him if/when you announce a pregnancy. Those type of expectations only set us up for disappointment because the person we're expecting this from usually has no idea what we expect and isn't likely to react exactly as we want them to.

Sandy said...

These are trying times and emotions are all over the place. I've learned that we deal with things differently. Your DH sounds like mine while he is always thinking of the financial parts, I am always all emotion. I know right now I'm driving my DH nuts because I keep talking about a baby and we don't even know if we are pregnant yet. I've learned to just let things be. I'm sure when you find out you are pregnant your DH will not steal your joy. This will be the moment that you worked so hard for. Hang in there. Your big day is Tuesday. By the way, I had three embies put in me and would be thrilled if they all took.

China Doll said...

I agree with all the other comments here. The other thing that I would add is that the Prince might be starting to experience real fear and trepidation that you WILL get your baby this cycle.. and no matter how much you both want that, I think men do feel lots of concern about how they will provide for and take care of their child. Things could well be different once that baby arrives and he falls in love with him/her.
What's that saying?.. women become mothers when they get pregnant (earlier for all of us, I think!) whereas men become fathers when they first hold their child in their arms... Thinking of you xx

Ants said...

All great comments above!Can't add much more except to say my DH would have mini freak-outs every now and then and I just had to leave him be for a day or 2 while he mulled things over in his head. It's been such a tough journey for you-and it seems to hit us at different times from our partners-ie, the times I would be most stressed, DH would cope fine and vice versa.And don't give up on your dream pregnancy announcement!I think it's a fantastic idea and I'm sure the Prince will love it!Thinking of you and wishing you all the best for transfer!xo