Facebook is Still Not My Friend...But We're Flirting

I apologize for not posting for awhile.  After I got out of the hospital last weekend, I really didn’t know what to say.  I don’t want to chance complaining about the sickness anymore.  I’m sick of hearing myself talk about it.  I can only imagine what my IF buddies are feeling.  So, I held off on posting until I came up with something to post about…or at least I tried to.  I’m still not sure whether I do…but I’m already writing, so here it goes.

I may be looking at getting bonked in the head by a winter rainbow.  This reference is from one of my older, pre-pregnancy posts, in which I promised not to make a pregnancy announcement on Facebook, not to post a pregnancy ticker on Facebook, not to post belly pictures on Facebook and not to make endless Facebook comments about my pregnancy.  I HATED being confronted with the aforementioned Facebook posts on bad days during my IF journey.  I loved rejoicing with my pregnant IF friends on some days…but there were probably more of the dark days, when I wanted to commit Facebook suicide.  I still remember how that felt and I still don’t want to hurt any of my friends that way…but…

It is tricky to come up with a way to announce a pregnancy without using Facebook. We are at that point now…entering the second trimester…and in the semi-near future, decisions about this need to be made.   Both my family and The Prince’s family are spread out all over the country.  We don’t email…we Facebook.  It’s just how we communicate.  So, figuring out how to get around pregnancy chatter on Facebook is tough.  I looked into buying cute pregnancy announcements, which you send through the mail.  But they are expensive (relatively speaking) and would require tracking down a few dozen addresses, addressing all of those envelopes, and sending the announcements out.  Plus, there is still no guarantee that the responses to the announcements won’t be posted on Facebook, thus defeating the intended purpose of the paper announcements.  I also don’t think word-of-mouth is an option, as you will always have someone who was out-of-the-loop and bitter about it (or at least in my family you will).

So, I’ve been rationalizing why it would be okay to post my announcement on Facebook…even though I know it isn’t.  I tell myself that all of my IF friends already know about my pregnancy and many read this blog, so the Facebook news alert won’t be such a slap in the face.  But that’s B.S.  It isn’t about whether you know someone is pregnant or not.  It is about someone’s joyful news hitting you head-on on a day when the IF clouds are raining heaps of crap on your head.  A lot of my friends are in the midst of cycles, or two week waits, or have just come off a loss.  The reality is, that may be the case for a long time, as people’s journeys start, meander or even stop at different times.  So my Facebook announcement could very well fall on a most-inopportune day for one or more of my friends.  I don’t want that. 

I tell myself that I could send out a nice message to my IF friends, ahead of time, explaining what is about to happen and letting them know I am sorry and I am okay with them “hiding” me if they need to.  But won’t that message itself be hurtful?  When I was in the trenches, I wanted people to be sensitive of my feelings, but I hated it when people felt they needed to change their behavior around me because of my IF.  Am I being more insulting by giving that “warning” than just going for it and trusting that my friends would want me to treat them the same as my non-IF friends?  I don’t think so, but I’m not sure.

I see this blog morphing into a pregnancy blog and I am so conflicted about that.  It wasn’t what it was meant to be…but I don’t know if it can be stopped.  The pregnancy is a HUGE part of my life right now (some days, it is the only thing going on in my life).  How do I keep it from seeping into my blog and my Facebook and my conversations?  Should I try to keep that from happening, or just embrace the pregnancy and tell myself that I am celebrating my joy on behalf of IF’ers everywhere?

I guess this post doesn’t really have a point.  It is just more of my random thoughts.  But it felt really good to get them out of my head and out to the world…even if I ended up with more questions than answers.   

P.S.***My biggest fear...and yet oddly amusing - http://eggsandsperm.com/2011/02/16/the-facebook-pregnancy-announcement/

Good News and Really Bad News

To say that I am lost right now would be a huge understatement.  We just got back from our 6 week ultrasound.  I’ve been incredibly sick all week and the nurses were concerned from the start because I had trouble staying in the room because I kept getting sick.  Then, drawing blood was almost impossible because I am so dehydrated.  By the time they took my blood pressure and heart rate, the doctor was already writing me a prescription for medication that will help me keep food and fluids down and that will also help me sleep.  My blood pressure is a little high, my heart rate is off the charts.  I’ve known all week that I wasn’t doing so great, but I just took comfort in the fact that I was so sick because I was housing two little babies…and that’s a lot of change to adjust to.

But then they did the ultrasound…and there was only one heartbeat.  It’s a strong heartbeat, especially given that we are only 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant.  But it’s one heartbeat.  The other gestational sac that we saw last week (which was actually the bigger one last week… and the one they found first) has gotten a little smaller since last week and there is no visible yolk sac in it, much less an embryo.  The nurse doing the scan was really sweet.  She said “Twins are fickle little things.  If we don’t see a heartbeat next week then we’ll know for sure that it decided not to stick around.  But don’t worry.  Your body will just reabsorb it and your cute-as-a-button baby with the healthy heartbeat will do just fine.  Sometimes these things just happen.”  The nurse also said that it isn’t guaranteed that the second baby won’t show up next week.  She said that sometimes with twins one will just be tucked up in a spot that is tough to see until the 7^th week.  But she won’t be shocked if the sac is gone or almost gone next week. If she had to bet one way or the other, she would bet that we have one baby.

I held it together and smiled until she was out of the room and then I lost it.  I started sobbing.  I was angry with The Prince because he wasn’t upset at all about losing one…he was just so excited to see the heartbeat on the one that’s doing well.  So, needing to lash out, I said “You seem a little too relieved.  I guess you don’t have to worry about daycare costs now.”  He insisted that he just isn’t going to get upset or get his hopes up about the twin because he thinks it is too early to know anything.  He said he’ll deal with it next week.  I explained that I’ve already researched the “vanishing twin” phenomenon for hours and, I can assure him, that things don’t look good.  (When I got home, I compared this week’s pictures with last week’s…the twin is definitely gone.  The sac has collapsed to about half the size that it was last week and the edges aren’t defined anymore like they were last week.)  He feels like we should be happy with one.  It is what we set out to have and we have one very healthy baby to be thankful for.  Plus, he said he’s been worried since last week that my body won’t be able to handle twins.  I have a lot of health issues and have had three uterine suspensions because my uterus keeps falling and getting stuck to my pelvic floor by adhesions…without the weight of babies in it.  He thinks that maybe this is nature’s way of taking care of what would end up being a dangerous situation for me and the babies later on.

I hear him, but I can’t process what he is saying.  All I can think is that I should be so happy and feeling so blessed to have one healthy baby…something I was beginning to doubt I was ever going to get…and instead I am crying and grieving a baby that we never even really saw.  I feel terrible that I wish I could go back to last week and not say anything about the possibility of twins…so that the nurse wouldn’t have moved the wand and I would never have known that there were ever two.  I have always had a “better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” kind of girl.  But I’m not so sure in this situation.  If I had never known, I would just be over the moon thrilled right now, instead of bawling. 

My family is going to be here in a couple of hours and I don’t know how to stomach making my pregnancy announcement to them under these circumstances.  They are going to expect me to be so insanely happy, after everything we’ve gone through to get pregnant.  I don’t know if I can fake “insanely happy” right now.  I don’t know if I can even try.  And I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t have to fake it…I should just feel that way.  How ungrateful am I that I am complaining about making a pregnancy announcement to my family?  What the hell is wrong with me?  Five months ago I would have given a limb to be in this position – one healthy little baby in my belly.  But now…UGH!  I don’t even know what to say.  I’m sorry and I hope this post isn’t angering or upsetting anyone.  I haven’t forgotten my IF struggle or what so many women are going through right now.  I know in my head how lucky I am…I just can’t get my heart on board right now.  It’s too busy being broken.

The First Announcement

The announcement to The Prince’s family went really well.  I had to fine-tune the ideas discussed last week, to make it match the “twins” theme.  That included modification of the poem for the grandma and grandpa-to-be, and changing the card idea a little.  The card given to his sister had the ultrasound picture of Baby 1 on the front, saying “My belly-to-belly cell phone service stinks!  Please tell my cousin Taylor that I am available for play dates in January 2012.”  Then, on the inside of the card it had the ultrasound picture of both babies, with Baby #2 saying “Me too!  Me too!  Tell Taylor that I am available for play dates too,”  and Baby #1 saying “Okay, okay.  Tell Taylor that we both are available in January 2012.” 

The Prince’s sister read the card first, before seeing the onesie (Option A…the choice that won the vote).  I was worried because she seemed to sort of rush through without reading everything…but then she said “There’s two?”  And his Mom immediately threw her arms around me and started jumping up and down saying “There’s two!  There’s two!”  There was lots of crying as his sister took the onesie out of the bag.  The Prince even got teary…I think because his Mom was crying.  I gave a framed picture of the modified poem (it was harder to work with plurals than you would think) to The Prince’s mother and father (the father had come out of the kitchen at that point).  They looked at it, but didn’t read it.  The Prince’s Mom was so in shock, and so happy, she couldn’t stop hugging us and cheering long enough to read it (she Facebooked me last night to let me know that she had read the poem when she got home and it made her cry happy tears again).  It was so great.  I waited so long to make that announcement and it couldn’t have gone any better.

Any worry I had about the timing being awkward for his family was unfounded.  They were thrilled for us.  The only tough thing is that The Prince’s Mom is a lot like him.  He makes me open my Christmas presents the day he gets them, because he can’t wait until Christmas to see my reaction.  I’ve learned to just go with it.  I didn’t realize his Mom has the same impatience.  She wants to tell his extended family at the shower next Sunday because the family never gets together and she thinks they should get to hear the news in person.  I’ve asked her not to and explained that we don’t want to have to “untell” anyone if something changes.  I also pointed out (outside of the earshot of The Prince’s sister) that we absolutely do not want our news intruding on her day.  His mother brushed that off, saying “She doesn’t even want a shower.  Her mother-in-law is forcing her to have one.  Trust me.  She won’t mind.”  But I stuck with my insistence that the shower wasn’t the right time to tell people.  I’m hoping she can be convinced, but I have a feeling there might be conversations behind my back with a “don’t tell that I told you” addendum.  I won’t be angry with his Mom if it happens.  I adore all of The Prince’s family and I am thrilled that his Mom is so excited.  She’ll be the one having to “untell” people if she tells them behind my back, so I guess it is fine if things go that way.

My family announced to me, early last week, that they are coming to my house for dinner this upcoming Friday.  I was perturbed because I wasn’t asked if it was okay.  I was just told that they were coming from four hours away and that I could just not open the door “if I hate them that much.”  Grrrrr.  I do NOT feel like cleaning the house and entertaining.  But The Prince thinks it is fine and that we should just make the announcement to my family while they are here, so everyone is on the same page and they feel included.  I’m not thrilled at the prospect of telling my family.  I know insensitive and stupid comments will be made by my mother.  But…I understand The Prince’s position and he understands that any “untelling” of my family will have to be done by him because I would be waiting to tell them if it were just up to me.  We’re bracing, as a united couple, for what might happen on Friday.  At least it will be over then, and I will not be concerned about whether my family’s feelings will be hurt if they find out “through the grapevine” that I am pregnant and didn’t tell them. 

I Got 99 Problems…Lack of Ideas Ain’t One

Okay.  The title of this post is admittedly awful (sorry Jay-Z), but this is my 99^th post, and I had to find some kind of tie-in with the subject of today’s post….which would be…announcing to The Prince’s family.  Since before we found out how difficult it was going to be for us to get pregnant, I have been thinking about the wonderful ways I would break our happy news.  Since before I started taking the hormone medications, I’ve had my eyes well-up with tears as I played through various announcement scenarios in my head.  And on more than one occasion, I’d decided how I would reveal our long-awaited pregnancy to the families…only the idea I’d decided on become outdated or clichéd because the wait was too long.  But now the wait is over…and while I’ve narrowed the field down to just a couple of ideas, I’m not sure which of my favorite ideas is best.  So, I’m turning to my girls (not my breasts…you guys) for some advice.  Below, I will discuss the various options and will get your feedback.  Then, after the announcement next weekend, I will post about which idea we went with and how it went.  I totally understand if anyone doesn’t want to participate…but I truly want every step of this pregnancy to be shared by the amazing women who supported me on my journey…so you get a vote in the announcement process.

Idea Number One:

This one has an A and B option as well.  In this idea, we will say that we have an early baby shower gift for Taylor (Taylor is the name that my sister-in-law has chosen for her baby - boy or girl) that we just couldn’t wait until the shower to give (this will insure his mother’s and sister’s presence at the big reveal, without raising suspicion).  In the card, we will put a Photo-shopped picture of our…well our gestational sac I guess…with a cartoon “thought bubble” coming from out of the sac.  In the bubble, it will say:

 “Ugh!  My belly to belly cell phone service stinks!  Can you please tell my cousin Taylor that I will be available for playdates in January 2012?  Thanks, Baby (Our last name).” 

Then (in case that isn’t clear enough…I need to be sure given The Prince’s reaction to “The Situation”), we will have one of the following onesies wrapped as a gift…



Option A



Option B- This one is a 6-12 month size.  Thus, acknowledging the due date.





That’s Idea #1.

Idea Number Two:

We tell The Prince’s mother that we have an early anniversary present that we couldn’t wait to give them (his parent’s anniversary is in mid-June, but I haven’t been able to think of a more subtle way of launching into giving them a gift…and this could get his Dad involved in the gift opening).  The card attached will say on the front… “This is what love at first sight is all about…” and on the inside of the card…we will put a picture of the first ultrasound (again…just the sac will show, but I think that’s okay).  Then, wrapped as a gift, we will have a Grandparents picture frame with the following poem in it….

“I do not have a face to see

Or put inside a frame.

I do not have soft cheeks to kiss

I don't yet have a name.

You can't yet hold my tiny hands

Nor whisper in my ear.

It's still too soon to sing a song,

Or cuddle me so near.

But all will change come January,

That's when they say I'm due.

I'm your new grandson or granddaughter.

I can't wait ‘til I meet you.

All I ask between now and then

Is your patience while I grow.

I promise I'll be worth the wait.

Because of all the love we'll know.

So what I have to give you now,

Is a wish to you from me.

I cannot wait to be a part

Of this wonderful family.

Love Baby (our last name)”

I know this poem has been around for awhile, and isn’t original, but I can’t read it without crying.  I tried writing something original, because I HATE copying other people… but I just can’t come up with something better than this.  The benefit of this idea is that they have something tangible to put in their home to remind them of their grandchild-to-be…and his Mom is weepy like me, so I know that it will move her to tears over and over the way it does me.  Plus, she always opens cards first and the card may be subtle enough that she won’t get the announcement until she opens the gift.

I should note that it is unlikely that we will travel to tell my mother in person our big news…in late June or early July.  So, we will likely send her the framed poem with a regular “can’t wait to meet you, Grandma” card.  I mention this because it would be nice for both sets of parents to have the same framed poem (making this a more appealing option), but I will also get a chance to use the gift part of this idea, even if not with The Prince’s family (making the first idea seem like a better one).      

Idea Number Three:

The next idea is to somehow combine the two ideas into one.  Give the gifts at the same time and see who opens their gift first?  The appeal of this option is that I don’t have to choose which idea to go with…as fate will sort of decide for me and both of my favorite ideas will get used.  Also, if his sister happens to be out on a catering run…or goes home sick… we always have the back-up plan.  The other good thing is that, if they opt to do one at a time, we get the reaction from one of the announcement gifts…and then a second wave of reaction from the other gift/card.  The downside is…how do I come up with an excuse for why his mother and sister are both getting random gifts and cards from us?  I think I managed to set up the dinner on Saturday without raising suspicion…but if I all of the sudden want to assemble the family for random gift-giving, someone might guess the reason before the “announcements” even have a chance.  And The Prince’s family is a family that yells out the answers during Jeopardy (people after my own heart).  If someone guesses it…they won’t be shy about yelling the possibility out pre-gift opening.

Okay…so that’s the three ideas, with an understanding that Ideas # 1 and # 3 require an opinion on whether onesie A or onesie B is cuter.  Also, PLEASE provide any input you might have regarding how to solve the snags in my announcement ideas that I have raised.  For those of you who choose to participate…thank you SO MUCH for your help!!!  I can’t wait to see what you have to say.    

Are You Sure

First things first...it is Day 3 of The Experiment…11dpo.  And at 3:00 a.m. this morning (stupid tiny bladder), The Experiment took a rough turn.  Here's what this morning's POAS looked like...

 

The second line is still there and is slightly (I stress the word "slightly") darker than yesterday morning's POAS.  And therein lies the problem.  I was sure that this morning's POAS was going to be twice as dark.  Hcg is supposed to be doubling every day or two, so why didn't the line get significantly darker?  At 3:00 a.m., these thoughts can quickly become a BIG DEAL.  By the time I was taking this picture, I felt sick and shakey, terrified that I'd jumped the gun in front of the whole world by declaring my confidence in this cycle.  I started wondering what I did wrong yesterday - was it the sweeping?  I even talked myself into thinking that maybe the tests weren't showing a positive at all...that my urine just makes the "test line" show better than it is supposed to.  So...I took a Clearblue Easy Digital because it is less sensitive and there is no interpretation involved.  You are "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant."

And for now, I am "Pregnant."  I am trying to just tell myself that over and over, because the fear has crept back in and if I am not careful, I know it will take over again.  I am pregnant, and I am going back to work today, and it is okay.  Where's the chanting doctor when I need him?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next order of business...how did the "announcement" to The Prince go?  Well...I think that is part of where my fear is coming from.

  

Yesterday, I waited until after The Prince came home, at around 5:00 p.m., to make the announcement to him that we finally are (at least a little bit) pregnant.  I wore a sweatshirt over “The Situation” t-shirt, and waited while he came in, got settled and talked about his day.  Then, when there was a lull in the conversation, I said “Oh yeah…I forgot to tell you, we’ve got a situation.”  Concerned, he asked me what was wrong.  I unzipped my sweatshirt and pointed at the belly of the t-shirt.  With a blank expression on his face, he looked up from the belly of the shirt and said “Did something happen with the house?”

Really?!?  It was written on the belly of the t-shirt!!!  But realizing that I was dealing with someone of the male persuasion, I decided to dump the “hint” and go for the more direct approach.  So, I pointed at the shirt, started crying and said “We’re pregnant!”  His response…again with the blank expression… “Are you sure?”

I said “I’m sure!  I’m a little bit pregnant, want to see the lines on the test sticks?”

He said “Okay.” 

In retrospect, that response should have been my first clue that The Prince was in shock and anything I did would be an exercise in futility until he came out of shock.  No man wants to examine the plastic sticks his wife peed all over…and yet, there The Prince was, holding them, flipping them, turning them around in natural and artificial light. 

After what seemed like FOREVER, he said “Are you sure?  The second line isn’t dark like the first line is.”  UGH!!!  So I pulled out the insert in the HPT box and showed him that ANY second line, no matter how light, indicated a positive.  I also read from the insert to allay his fear that it was too early for an HPT to possibly show a positive.

Even after all of that, I must have heard “Are you sure?” at least another 50 times.  I was starting to lose my patience about the lack of excitement and abundance of skepticism on his part when he said something that gave away what was really going on in his mind, and melted away any frustration I was experiencing.  The Prince said “Are you sure, because I don’t want to get my hopes up only to find out it’s not true.”

Welcome to my world, Sweetie.  I hate to say it, but it was a relief to hear him “admit” that he was afraid of disappointment, because that’s not really The Prince’s way.  I realized that things I had been struggling with for weeks, months and years was now hitting my husband for the first time.  What if we test and the pregnancy goes away?  Is it better to have known or not to have known?  Is it going to hurt more after having seen that second line?  These are scary questions that you have all watched me struggle through, but they were new to The Prince.  So, I explained to The Prince that I’ve wrestled with all of these questions and decided that, for me, knowing I'm a little pregnant even for a little while is better than thinking that I have never been pregnant at all.  I explained that there is still a decent risk of this baby (babies) not making it to the heartbeat stage, but we can’t think in terms of the negatives that could happen…we just need to believe that the good things will happen.  I asked if he was sorry that I had told him, and The Prince came over and put his arms around me. 

He then (sarcastically) told me that I should call the doctor and let him know that he was right - the chanting worked and apparently all you need to do is hold hands and “believe” to get pregnant.  Then The Prince began his campaign for the name “Hamish” in earnest, and I knew that the “announcement” was complete. 

It wasn’t the smooth, perfectly scripted announcement I had envisioned, but nothing in life follows the scripts we write…no matter how great the scripts are.  And in the end, The Prince got onboard the Happy Train with me for awhile, which is all I really wanted.  He is still hesitant, asking me this morning why today's POAS isn't darker...didn't I say it would get darker?  Thanks, Hun and welcome back panic attack.  But we are on the same page, happy about the same thing and scared about the same thing.  And as long as I can be the strong one in the face of his fears, a slight role reversal for us, I think we will get through this.

P.S.  “The Situation” was largely lost on The Prince.  He asked me where I got the awful t-shirt, and I explained that I bought it in anticipation of this day.  He told me I couldn’t wear it when the baby starts to grow because he doesn’t want his kid to be a moron.  I said that I was pretty sure our baby wouldn’t be able to read the t-shirt from inside my belly or to decide to aspire to become the reality television character the slogan referred to, but I would err on the side of caution and leave the t-shirt in the closet as a memento if it would make The Prince feel better.  MEN!!!    

So Here's the Mother's Day Situation...



I know that this is Mother’s Day (or at least American Mother’s Day) and that today is one of the suckiest days of the entire year for a lot of women dealing with infertility.  I don’t want to make anyone’s day any worse, and I’ve really struggled about whether I should save this post for tomorrow to avoid the possibility of hurting anyone.  But in the end, my selfish needs have to come first on this blog.  So if you are getting the feeling that this post might make your day worse, I won’t be upset if you stop reading and I hope that today is gentle on you.

For three years, I’ve waited to be pregnant…even a little bit pregnant.  I have never had the joy of getting a positive pregnancy test…not even a chemical pregnancy…nothing.  So, imagine my joy when on Day 2 of “my experiment”…on Mother’s Day…I FINALLY GOT MY POSITIVE!!!



In all fairness, it isn’t yet a “strong” positive (I don't know that it has yet risen to the level of "BFP," perhaps just "P"), so I’ve given you a comparison picture between yesterday’s late morning test (top) and this morning’s test (bottom)…in case the second line was hard for you to see in the first picture.  After 23 pictures of these pregnancy tests, and about 100 examinations, I can assure you, there is a “positive” line and my mind is not playing tricks on me.  (I just checked again…just to make sure).  I’ve even tried the different light sources and there is no light in which I don’t see the line, faint as it may be.

After I got the positive (while The Prince was still sleeping), I put on my “Situation” t-shirt, brushed my teeth, did my hair, and decided to wait for him to wake-up on his own.  But then…before he could wake-up…the t-shirt came off and I jumped back into bed.  I’m not ready to tell him.  I’m shaking and excited and am not sure what will come out of my mouth when I open it, but I don’t WANT to tell him right now.  I know that if I tell him this morning, he will still have to leave to spend the entire day at his parents’ restaurant.  I know it will be almost impossible for him not to tell them if he is there alone with them (I am the self-restraint in the relationship, if you can believe that), and I will be really hurt and upset if he tells them before we get to the first ultrasound.  That was our deal…if we make it to a heartbeat, we get to make the announcement (or should I say…I get to make the announcement for us).  Plus, I’m not delusional.  I know that I am only a teensy bit pregnant, and I can’t “take it to the bank” just yet.  I don’t want to have to “un-announce” a pregnancy days after we (The Prince) announced it.

So, until The Prince gets home tonight, I will keep the t-shirt locked away.  I will swallow the huge, excited lump in my throat, and I will wait…wait until he comes home and has a chance to relax.  I will wait until we can really enjoy the news together…on Mother’s Day…because after three years on this horrible quest, we deserve a little happiness together.

This Is A Test...It Is Only A Test...

(FAIR WARNING:  Your Input Will Be Requested At The End Of This Post)

To test or not to test, that is the question.  That is always the question during the two week wait.

Today is 8 dpo (8 days post-ovulation).  As I’m sure we all know, days 6-10 after ovulation are the implantation days.  Then, Hcg gets released and, at a certain level, the HPT (home pregnancy test), a.k.a. POAS (pee on a stick), can pick-up the pregnancy. 

Mother’s Day is falling on my 10 dpo or, in HPT language, four days before the expected start date of my next period.  If your ears perk up like mine do whenever a pregnancy test commercial comes on TV, you know that most tests "can detect pregnancy up to 4 days before the first day of your missed period."  Specifically, according to the charts made by the HPT manufacturers, if I test on Mother’s Day and I AM pregnant, I have a 57% chance of the test showing a positive.

Of course, I have exhaustively searched online and found many stories of women who got their BFP’s (big fat positives) 5 days after a day 5 transfer (10 dpo).  I have also read a lot of stories of women who got negatives at 10 dpo and then BFP’s at 12 dpo.  And, of course, there are many women in the “wait until the beta test” camp.  Those women listen to their doctors and spare themselves the agony of deciding when to POAS, by choosing not to POAS at all.  I envy you women…but I will never be one of you.  Even if I were to wait for the beta test, I would agonize…oh how I would agonize!

So, the question for me, I guess, is not even really “to test or not to test.”  Rather, the question is- “to test on Mother’s Day or to wait until later.”  But the latter doesn’t really have the same ring to it.

Quick update for those of you who are new to this blog, my announcement to The Prince has been in the works for some time.  He is a Jersey Shore fan (I don’t know how that happened to a chemistry professor), and is particularly fond of walking around and saying “We have a Situation,” while pointing at his non-existent six pack.  So…I have a maternity shirt that says “The Situation” on the belly.  The plan is to yell out from the bathroom “Uh oh, Honey!  We’ve got a situation!”  He will come to the door, likely thinking that the shower broke, light fell out of the ceiling, etc.  I will then walk out in my “Situation” t-shirt, holding the positive pregnancy test and announce "the situation."  TA DA!!!!  This announcement scenario is admittedly corny, but non-negotiable.  I’ve waited three years for this moment, and like any good director, I feel I've perfected the announcement to match our quirky senses of humor.  So, although I adore you all, please don't trash my announcement plan because it isn't changing. 

Now that everyone is up to speed, you should know that The Prince and I have EXTREMELY tight schedules, and that is complicating my testing scenarios.  The Prince is working at his parent’s restaurant on Saturday and on Sunday, during the day.  We both will work during the day Monday through Friday, at our regular jobs.  On Monday, that's it...when we get home, we're home.  But on Tuesday through Thursday, The Prince works a second job, so on those days we will be home together from 4:30 - 5:00, and then The Prince won't be home again until 8:00 p.m.  Also, I am having dinner ou with friends on Tuesday night and won't be back until very late. 

So, based on the schedules, I believe I have worked out all of the possible testing scenarios, and they are as follows:

1)      Test on Sunday morning, find out I’m pregnant, make the announcement to the Prince on Sunday evening, when he gets home, for the best Mother’s Day ever!

2)      Test on Sunday morning, get a negative, work at convincing myself that I am in the 43% of pregnant women who wouldn’t test positive that early, and don’t mention any of it to The Prince who, at least, won’t be home most of the day.

3)      Test on Monday morning, find out I’m pregnant, sit with that knowledge the whole damn day at work…and announce the news to The Prince when I get home.

4)      Test on Monday morning, get a negative, and try not to fall apart at work that day.

5)      Test on Wednesday and…(see #’s 3 and 4 above)

6)      Wait until Thursday morning’s beta test, get the results at work, then don’t answer the phone when The Prince calls for the results, so I can rush home and make my announcement in between his two jobs.  (Unfortunately, The Prince has gone through IVF cycles with me enough times to know when my beta’s get scheduled and I’ve lied to him about when the blood test was in the past, to give myself time to process the news before facing him, so I can’t just lie and say it is on Friday in order to surprise him on Thursday.  He’s too crafty for that.).

I think it is likely clear which choice I like the best, but I am putting it out there for “my people” to weigh-in on.  I’m not promising anything (and if I don't follow advice I'm totally blaming it on the hormones), but bring on the comments and advice, being kind to my fragile ego and cognizant of my need for this to be a big deal.  I’m dying to know what other people have to say about all of this…and I know there are lots of other Type A’s out there reading this.  So please don’t be shy about letting me know if I missed a fabulous timing/testing/announcing scenario.  Can't wait to hear your opinions!    

The Prince is Pouting



I am still aglow from yesterday’s very positive retrieval/fertilization outcome.  I foresee myself staying that way straight through Tuesday, but am going to keep myself busy (can we say mani/pedi?) just in case.  There is only one potential wrinkle in my plan of basking in LaLa Land…The Prince.

Given The Prince’s relative positivity about this cycle, I really expected yesterday’s news to make him as ecstatic as I was.  I even thought that the news was so good and such a surprise that it might break down the wall he keeps up and he would show some excitement.  I WAS WRONG!  Not only was The Prince’s reaction not very positive, it bordered on the line of "freaking out." 

When I told him we had 12 fertilized eggs to work with, the first words out of his mouth were “Oh…that’s good…I guess we will have a second or third try if this time doesn’t work.”  (WHAT?!?  “If this doesn’t work?”  Where did that come from?) 

So, trying to steer the conversation in a different direction, I said “Come on…this time will work and we will just have potential siblings on ice for the baby we have this time around.  Positive Polly, right?” 

He said “I don’t think so.  Unless you want to wait three years or so, which isn’t really an option with your health condition.  Do you know how much it costs to have two kids in daycare at the same time?  I do.  It’s $3860 per month...for the discounted on-campu one.  We can’t afford that…unless you want to go back into private practice and try to make more money, which I don’t think you want to do.  I think we could give the extra embryos up for adoption, because it would be good to have more ‘me’s’ in the world (he said that with complete seriousness)…but we aren’t going to try for two kids….And we are only going to transfer 2 embryos…that hasn’t changed right?  We don’t have to do more, do we?  Because I don’t want to.  It’s bad enough…”

I cut him off there because…well…he was killing my buzz and I didn’t want to know what was “bad enough.”  With the hormones I’m on, he already had me crying.  I told him that he was being a jerk and that, even if he felt that way, he should really just let me be happy for a day or two…or at least until transfer….without having to stress out about my husband having a mid-cycle crisis.  I told him that he clearly has issues he needs to work out about all of this but he should have done that already…like any time over the last three years.  I chastised him for not seeing his individual counselor during this cycle, like he had promised me and our marriage counselor he would do, because his counselor would have helped him to work through these issues, or at least learn how to vocalize them in an appropriate manner at an appropriate time.  At that point, he did stop vocalizing his “freak out” session.  He went into Pouty Prince mode, and, for the most part, has remained there.

I’m not going to let The Prince’s reaction take away my happiness about this.  In fact, I am going to do what I frequently do in these situations…look at him as if he were a young child, learning how to feel emotions and express himself.  I'll just wait for him to work through his tantrum and “catch up” to "big boy emotions."  It is hard to be mad at a young child…you just pity the child’s struggles.  I’ll tell myself that he is like a slightly spoiled only child who is pouting because he learned that he is getting a new brother or sister.  That makes me want to say, “Ohhhh Honey, it will be okay” instead of “What the heck is your problem?”  I just wish, that for once, we were completely on the same page…mentally and emotionally…so we could enjoy the big milestones together as a couple.  The only time that ever happened was on our wedding day...when he completely surprised me with how amazing, emotional, funny and supportive he can be. 

The Prince’s pouting about haveing a great number of fertilized eggs (good news) is making me seriously rethink my “We’ve got a Situation” pregnancy announcement plan.  I’ve bought the T-shirt and, if he reacts as one would expect, it would be a great happy, humorous moment.  But what if he doesn’t laugh?  What if he doesn’t smile?  What if he says something stupid like “I told you I thought it was going to work”…or worse…starts quoting the costs of pregnancy statistics to me?  I’ve dreamed of the “pregnancy announcement” moment for years now…built it up in my mind and watched us come together as a couple in tears of joy.  I deserve that moment.  When I was going through shots, or sleeping on the bathroom floor because I couldn’t stop being sick with grief over another failed cycle, I kept thinking about how awesome the “pregnancy announcement” moment was going to feel…how it would all be worth it.  Now I’m thinking…he’s going to ruin this for me.  I don’t just want a certain reaction from him…I NEED a certain reaction in that situation…but I don’t know if he’s capable of giving it to me.  I know…you probably are thinking that I’m seriously jumping the gun here, but I’m a planner and I need a plan to avoid what happened yesterday from happening again on my happiest of occasions.  I’m believing wholeheartedly that this cycle is going to work…so I have to consider this issue.  Maybe not today…but sometime in the next couple of weeks.

Any advice on how to think about this/work through this situation?  I’m guessing there are some other “princes” out there like mine.  He cannot be the sole little boy in a big boy body.