Monday, May 9, 2011

Are You Sure

First things first...it is Day 3 of The Experiment…11dpo.  And at 3:00 a.m. this morning (stupid tiny bladder), The Experiment took a rough turn.  Here's what this morning's POAS looked like...

 

The second line is still there and is slightly (I stress the word "slightly") darker than yesterday morning's POAS.  And therein lies the problem.  I was sure that this morning's POAS was going to be twice as dark.  Hcg is supposed to be doubling every day or two, so why didn't the line get significantly darker?  At 3:00 a.m., these thoughts can quickly become a BIG DEAL.  By the time I was taking this picture, I felt sick and shakey, terrified that I'd jumped the gun in front of the whole world by declaring my confidence in this cycle.  I started wondering what I did wrong yesterday - was it the sweeping?  I even talked myself into thinking that maybe the tests weren't showing a positive at all...that my urine just makes the "test line" show better than it is supposed to.  So...I took a Clearblue Easy Digital because it is less sensitive and there is no interpretation involved.  You are "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant."


And for now, I am "Pregnant."  I am trying to just tell myself that over and over, because the fear has crept back in and if I am not careful, I know it will take over again.  I am pregnant, and I am going back to work today, and it is okay.  Where's the chanting doctor when I need him?
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Next order of business...how did the "announcement" to The Prince go?  Well...I think that is part of where my fear is coming from.
  

Yesterday, I waited until after The Prince came home, at around 5:00 p.m., to make the announcement to him that we finally are (at least a little bit) pregnant.  I wore a sweatshirt over “The Situation” t-shirt, and waited while he came in, got settled and talked about his day.  Then, when there was a lull in the conversation, I said “Oh yeah…I forgot to tell you, we’ve got a situation.”  Concerned, he asked me what was wrong.  I unzipped my sweatshirt and pointed at the belly of the t-shirt.  With a blank expression on his face, he looked up from the belly of the shirt and said “Did something happen with the house?”

Really?!?  It was written on the belly of the t-shirt!!!  But realizing that I was dealing with someone of the male persuasion, I decided to dump the “hint” and go for the more direct approach.  So, I pointed at the shirt, started crying and said “We’re pregnant!”  His response…again with the blank expression… “Are you sure?”

I said “I’m sure!  I’m a little bit pregnant, want to see the lines on the test sticks?”

He said “Okay.” 

In retrospect, that response should have been my first clue that The Prince was in shock and anything I did would be an exercise in futility until he came out of shock.  No man wants to examine the plastic sticks his wife peed all over…and yet, there The Prince was, holding them, flipping them, turning them around in natural and artificial light. 

After what seemed like FOREVER, he said “Are you sure?  The second line isn’t dark like the first line is.”  UGH!!!  So I pulled out the insert in the HPT box and showed him that ANY second line, no matter how light, indicated a positive.  I also read from the insert to allay his fear that it was too early for an HPT to possibly show a positive.

Even after all of that, I must have heard “Are you sure?” at least another 50 times.  I was starting to lose my patience about the lack of excitement and abundance of skepticism on his part when he said something that gave away what was really going on in his mind, and melted away any frustration I was experiencing.  The Prince said “Are you sure, because I don’t want to get my hopes up only to find out it’s not true.”

Welcome to my world, Sweetie.  I hate to say it, but it was a relief to hear him “admit” that he was afraid of disappointment, because that’s not really The Prince’s way.  I realized that things I had been struggling with for weeks, months and years was now hitting my husband for the first time.  What if we test and the pregnancy goes away?  Is it better to have known or not to have known?  Is it going to hurt more after having seen that second line?  These are scary questions that you have all watched me struggle through, but they were new to The Prince.  So, I explained to The Prince that I’ve wrestled with all of these questions and decided that, for me, knowing I'm a little pregnant even for a little while is better than thinking that I have never been pregnant at all.  I explained that there is still a decent risk of this baby (babies) not making it to the heartbeat stage, but we can’t think in terms of the negatives that could happen…we just need to believe that the good things will happen.  I asked if he was sorry that I had told him, and The Prince came over and put his arms around me. 

He then (sarcastically) told me that I should call the doctor and let him know that he was right - the chanting worked and apparently all you need to do is hold hands and “believe” to get pregnant.  Then The Prince began his campaign for the name “Hamish” in earnest, and I knew that the “announcement” was complete. 

It wasn’t the smooth, perfectly scripted announcement I had envisioned, but nothing in life follows the scripts we write…no matter how great the scripts are.  And in the end, The Prince got onboard the Happy Train with me for awhile, which is all I really wanted.  He is still hesitant, asking me this morning why today's POAS isn't darker...didn't I say it would get darker?  Thanks, Hun and welcome back panic attack.  But we are on the same page, happy about the same thing and scared about the same thing.  And as long as I can be the strong one in the face of his fears, a slight role reversal for us, I think we will get through this.

P.S.  “The Situation” was largely lost on The Prince.  He asked me where I got the awful t-shirt, and I explained that I bought it in anticipation of this day.  He told me I couldn’t wear it when the baby starts to grow because he doesn’t want his kid to be a moron.  I said that I was pretty sure our baby wouldn’t be able to read the t-shirt from inside my belly or to decide to aspire to become the reality television character the slogan referred to, but I would err on the side of caution and leave the t-shirt in the closet as a memento if it would make The Prince feel better.  MEN!!!    

12 comments:

Christina said...

Don't be too concerned about the lines not being darker just yet. There are so many factors that go into the line's darkness - frequent urination, too dilute urine, time of day, differences between individual tests...

As long as there is a line (and this one does look a bit darker than the last), you ARE pregnant. Even having betas drawn and great doubling times down assuage the fears. I don't know if they will ever go away after IF.

As for the Prince, I think he is just so shocked and surprised, he didn't know how to respond. The 1st time I told mine, he didn't get it either. Their brains are just wired differently!

Lost Woman Found said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dawn said...

A line is a line is a line is a line! My husband would have said the same thing about the line....men! ::shakes head::

Congratulations!!! I'm over the moon happy for you and secretly thrilled I got to see the baby gear first! :)

You what this means though.....how someone we both know was right. It's kinda freaking me out right now....

amiracle4us said...

Congrats again!!!!!

Sandy said...

I use the ClearBlue Easy too. Congrats again!

My New Normal said...

Congrats!!

One Cycle at a Time said...

OMG!! Congrats!!!!!! I'm so excited for you. I know its still early and its still scary.... but hopefully all these good vibes we're sending you will help quiet the negative ones. :-)

Lindsey said...

I think it looks darker! Haha, the princes reaction to the T shirt totally made me laugh, Blue would have done the same thing!

S said...

I agree with previous posters that I wouldn't stress about the darkness of the line. Too many variables, including sensitivity of the individual HPT, concentration of your urine, etc.

Congratulations! You are pregnant! :-)

My husband would be just as disbelieving, I think. . . he was initially with the one BFP we ever had (chemical pregnancy). And that was back when he was still optimistic. I can only imagine his reaction years on, after many failed cycles.

COME ON BABY said...

Congrats sweetie!! What great GREAT news!!!!!

elaine said...

CONGRATS.....This is FABULOUS news! I stumbled across your blog and now I am sitting here with tears pouring from my eyes. I am so happy for you and so excited. Here's to a healthy and happy 9 months to your little blessing. Big Hugs!

Ants said...

Yaaaahh congratulations! As the others have said don't worry too much about the lines...I tested over 3 days and the lines were all faint and didn't seem much different-as long as it's there that's what counts! So excited for you!