Thursday, May 12, 2011

It's Official...

The blood test was a positive, and for that I am so thankful.  My level was 117, which is way above the 25 my clinic requires to consider it more than a chemical pregnancy.  It was also above the number they look for to indicate a healthy pregnancy – 50.  I feel good about my 117 and am looking forward to Monday (Yeah…I have to wait four days instead of two for my second blood test because my fertility center won’t test on weekends…not crazy about that extra two days of waiting), when I can have the reassurance that the number has doubled and things are going well. 

The nurse who called me with my results and the nurse who set-up my appointment for my second round of intralipids were both squealing and congratulating me over and over.  I felt a little guilty that I wasn’t more excited.  I don’t know if this anti-climactic feeling is because I was pretty sure that I would get a positive, given all the POAS, or if I am unwittingly returning to self-preservation mode.  I thought that I had overcome my doubts and fears.  I thought I would continue to be Positive Polly and would ride the Happy Train all the way through the pregnancy.  I thought wrong.  I feel like something is “off” right now, and I hate it.  I want to be jumping up and down and yelling and celebrating.  I would be happy to even feel some butterflies in my stomach over the good news.  But instead I’m just numb...and maybe sad.

I think that part of the problem is that I have been struggling with “survivor’s guilt.”  It sucks that I am pregnant and my fertility friends are not.  I’m not saying it sucks that I’m pregnant, nor are they saying that.  But it isn’t fair that they aren’t pregnant with me…and I can’t fix it.  So the guilt I’m feeling about this is making me second guess everything I have said in this blog.  Have I been too excited and too happy?  Am I that obnoxious person who is unintentionally rubbing my good fortune in the face of those who are less fortunate?  I think about conversations I have had with my friends, and I groan at some of the statements I’ve made.  For example, I’ve talked about my symptoms…the unpleasant ones…the ones that those struggling with infertility long for.  I’ve talked about them because I’m perplexed by them and it is all so new to me.  But what if it sounds like I’m complaining?  I have a tough time with former infertiles who complain about their pregnancy symptoms to people still on their journey to motherhood.  I think it is just something you don’t do…but what if I am…or sound like I am?  Or what if I am reminding those who have experienced losses of their pregnancies...and their pain?

I thought I would feel like my pregnancy was a victory for us all.  That I would be that inspirational character who struggled for three years and then got pregnant…the one that makes people not want to give up when they hit two years of trying to conceive…or three years of trying to conceive.  But I don’t think I am that person.  I’m just another friend who got pregnant…and I hate being that.  Then, I feel guilty for “hating being that” because I feel like I’m somehow not appreciating my pregnancy enough…and that is equally unacceptable.  I feel like I need to appreciate this pregnancy enough for everyone…like there is an obligation that I suck every drop of happiness out of this situation, or I am not worthy of the gift I’ve been given.  Basically, I feel guilty about feeling guilty.

I knew infertility would be an unwanted companion during this pregnancy.  I knew infertility wasn’t going to just leave me alone because I had gotten a positive HPT.  But I underestimated infertility’s resolve and power over me.  I’m fighting to not allow infertility to steal my joy this pregnancy…but today, of all days, I’m losing the battle.  This should be a happy post and I’m sorry to all of you that it is not.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

14 comments:

WindDrop said...

I'm 12 weeks now after struggling for 2 years. There is a difference between say what your symptoms are and complaining about it. My mom asked how I was doing so I told her how I felt, I wasn't complaining and she went off about how much I wanted this and I should appreciate it. DUH!!

Just because we struggled doesn't mean that we should find joy in all the general unplesantness that can come with it. The difference is we would never change where we are and appreciate it.

It took me a while to get over the shock of my first and current BFP. Once I finally heard the heartbeat it became a little more real. I'm still not 100% out of shock. Your lack of YAY might also stem from knowing the reality and statistics at this point. Now that I'm at 12 weeks I can take a bigger sigh of relief knowing that the odds are much lower for bad things to happen.

Having dreamt of this momment most of my life and worked towards it for 2 years, it just still doesn't seem like it's real. I'm thinking when I feel the baby start kicking I might realize that this is REALLY happening. Many IF have felt the same way; numb for a while.

Don't worry if you aren't over the moon yet. And try not to worry what other people are thinking or feeling. All friends should be happy for you, even if a little jealous. Try to only discuss the bad parts with IF women who are pregnant. I would never begrudge any of the ladies in my group for hating morning sickness. I understand that they appreciate what they've got but it's not always great along the way.

Sandy said...

I'm excited for you! I hope that number jumps up for Monday!

S said...

I am still "in the trenches," after over 3 years TTC, and not a single thing you have said here has offended me in any way. The only things I've ever found hurtful on a pregnant infertile's blog were offhand comments like "I guess I *did* just need to relax" and "This all happened in G-d's time, not mine" (both real comments from IF bloggers I *used to* read).

Even complaining about symptoms doesn't bother me because let's face it: we all want to be pregnant, but who wants to be puking, exhausted or in pain? We can appreciate these things for what they signify, but that doesn't mean they don't suck to live through! ;-)

All that said. . . . congratulations on being "officially" pregnant! 117 is a terrific first beta, and I can't wait to hear that it doubled with your next test.

Lindsey said...

I'm so sorry that you're feeling down. Survivors guilt makes me sad because being one of the girls still in the trenches I am so inspired by your success. You've been through so much, you never gave up, and now you're here, pregnant, really pregnant! Even if you bitch about morning sickness it will still make me happy because your story gives me hope. I agree with S about survivors who end up sayign the things we hate most, so don't say this happened because you just relaxed! You worked your ass off for little Hamish (1 and 2?? High beta...) You deserve to bask in the glory of being pregnant and if that means you need to take a little break from IF blogging we get it! Thanks again for giving me hope.

Pez said...

OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited!!!!!!! I have been waiting for the blood test to say anything.

I am so over the moon for you. This is so great!!!!!! I can't wait to follow your pregnancy.

Pez

Jammie J. said...

First of all, congrats on your beta - 117 -- that's a good solid #! In fact, that was my beta on 4/1 at 11dp3dt. I, too, had to wait over the weekend for my 2nd beta. Waiting totally sucks.

Also, you are not just another friend who got pregnant. You worked for it. You cried for it. You paid for it. You've questioned yourself about it. You are still empathetic for those who are not. That makes you someone who understands the journey to making a family, not someone who just happened to get a BFP one day. No one I know would begrudge you that, and if they do, they're not deserving of your friendship. Sorry if that's rough, but that's how I feel about it.

Lastly, as far as feeling as if something is off, or wrong, I think that's more of an emotional defense against the fear of something going wrong. At least that's what it seems to be for me. It won't matter to me how many times I see the heart beating, or hear it, or whatever, not until I'm holding this baby in my arms will I feel like things are OK.

I don't know if anything I've written here is helpful, but I hope so.

Ants said...

Yaaaaay CONGRATULATIONS!!!! So over the moon for you! And I can completely understand what you're feeling at the moment, I also found myself feeling a little down during the first few days, you suddenly find yourself in a completely different place and you're also suddenly very aware of what you say and do for fear of hurting those people who have supported you and are still fighting. But as someone said to me-the fact that you are worried about it shows you care, and at the end of the day you just have to remember how long you've struggled for this-and now you made it and it's time to celebrate :) Waiting for the second beta is scary but your level is fantastic and I'm sure you'll have a great rise-we went out after the second beta and bought a baby item to celebrate. Sooo happy for you!!!

Christina said...

I've been trying to comment on this since you posted it yesterday! Grr, Blogger!

I totally understand how you are feeling right now! It didn't take 3yrs, but I still thought I'd be far more excited give my numbers this time. I too am experiencing the guilt of being pregnant while others that have been trying longer and harder continue to wait. It is a difficult thing to reconcile in my mind.

I can't wait to hear about your levels on Monday! Hang tight and enjoy the weekend!

China Doll said...

Aah, how annoying not to be able to comment yesterday! Congratulations!! Great you got the confirmation :) Try not to feel too bad about your mixed feelings.. it must be a lot to take in after waiting so long and going through so much.. your joy will return soon xx

Anonymous said...

Hey Fawn...your buddy here....yeah, you haven't heard from me in a while. For some reason hearing your thinking aloud was comforting to me. It made me recognize the sensitivity you do have underneath all of that joy. Still a bit of envy...especially after 7 years of TTC and still no resolve. Hearing your "voice" in your words though forces me to look at another perspective of what it might have been if I did finally carry a baby to full term. Maybe I wouldn't have encountered our friendship, many angles of my life wouldn't have improved. So, believe it or not...you really still are helping even if you do feel a little guilty or sad. Like China said, when you get past your mile marker zone, the happiness will return. Not that I can speak from experience but I've seen it...watched it happen to so many others around me who've been able to get pregnant too.
You still have my friendship. Hugs,

Princess Wahna Bea Mama said...

Anonymous,

Thank you so much for your comment. You mean the world to me, and I am so happy to now that I am not losing your friendship. Your journey has been the longest of all of my fertile friends and, as a result, you have become the strongest and most wise of all of us. I can't wait for the day that you finally get your "happily ever after." I have faith that that day is coming.
Take care.

aliciamarie911 said...

I have been following you the past few months, and I must say...this part of your journey is SO uplifting to read. Even though I have yet to get my BFP, it's comforting to know that others out there ARE getting theirs and my day will come! Congratulations, I'm so happy for you!

mommie-to-be said...

Hi, I am fairly new to following your blog but just wanted to say this: You SHOULD be happy, you ARE an inspiration, and it IS a victory because it gives the rest of us hope that we, too, can have a happy ending. :)

Ants said...

Yay Congratulations!I actually commented the other day but I noticed some comments are missing off my post too, must be something to do with the blogger maintenance!Anyway I wanted to tell you I know those feelings of guilt all too well,the fact that you are feeling this way though, already shows you care,you have fought long and hard for this and you have every right to enjoy it now.It is a time of conflicting emotions but you will settle into it all soon enough. I'm so very over the moon for you honey! xo