Baby Steps...

I know I already wrote a post today, but then I did something amazing, and I can’t wait until tomorrow to post about it.  So please forgive my over-posting.

I was in Target today, shopping for the most sensitive HPT available, in preparation for Experiment Day 2, when it hit me – I’m ready!!!   

As those of you who have followed my blog for awhile already know, I have been resolute about not buying anything for my baby until I am pregnant.  I am not, nor have I ever been a superstitious person, but when it comes to this one thing…I’ve just been so certain that the Universe would smack me down if I was so brazen as to buy something for a baby I hadn’t yet conceived, I couldn’t do it.  I convinced myself that a negative pregnancy test would surely result if I dared make such a presumptuous purchase.

But today, as I stood staring at HPT’s, something changed.  I walked into the baby section of the store and started looking for the first gift from me to my new baby (babies).  I was smiling and enjoying myself for about 2 minutes, and then the familiar choking feeling started in my chest and throat.  Before I knew it, tears were falling down my cheeks and I had no choice but to make a quick exit to the check-out, which was (of course) manned by an eight-month pregnant cashier who smiled politely as I bought six HPT’s with tears in my eyes.    

As I walked to the car, I was so disappointed with myself.  I really felt like today was the day…like I had a breakthrough and was ready to face my fear of never having a baby.  Because let’s be honest, that is what this stupid “superstition” is about…fear that I will be left with a baby item but no baby to give it to.  Fear that there will be a tangible reminder, sitting somewhere in my house, of every negative pregnancy test I’ve ever suffered through.

Admitting what was really behind my fear as I walked to my car gave me the strength to try again.  So, I marched from my car to the baby store (a store that sells baby items…not a store that sells babies…just in case that wasn’t clear), adjacent to Target.  As I walked in, a saleswoman asked me if I would like to start a registry.  “Not yet” I said as I strolled by, unaffected by a question I would normally find insulting at best.  I walked into the Infant Section and…well…see for yourself…

(Baby Turtle Washclothes, to remind me that "Slow and Steady Wins the Race")

-and-

(With the theme of this blog...how could I pass up the Frog Princess jammies?)

So it is done.  I have my first gifts for my baby (babies).  No voice from heaven chastised me on my way out of the store.  No bolt of lightning struck me down on my way to the car.  And, regardless of how this cycle turns out, I will not believe that this purchase had anything to do with the outcome.  This purchase was just another step in my journey…a step out of the shadow of fear that has been paralyzing me for three years and into the light of hope.  Because if I didn’t have hope that I was going to have a baby someday, I never would have bought these things.  They’re my reminder to myself that I am not defeated.