Thursday, May 5, 2011

I'm Coming Home...

My 24 year-old sister is terminating her pregnancy today.  That is the news I woke up to.  Apparently her doctor called her last evening with her blood work results, and she is not four to six weeks pregnant as they had thought but, rather, is MUCH further along.  Because of our state’s laws regarding abortion, this creates a situation where my sister basically can terminate the pregnancy today or cannot terminate it at all.  I can’t really get into all of my thoughts and feelings about my sister’s predicament and her choice.  When I start to think about it, I start sobbing and I don’t think that’s good for me right now.  My sister left me multiple hysterical voicemails last night, but somehow I was sleeping so soundly (and I am normally a VERY light sleeper), I missed the calls.  I’m taking that as a sign. 

Yesterday, I was in no place mentally to try to support her through her predicament.  But this morning, although it was not easy, I called her and listened to her, let her cry and gave her as much support as I could from afar, and under the circumstances.  I asked if she wanted me to come be with her or to help with my niece, but she does not want me there…she is embarrassed about her living conditions and this situation, and my presence will only make that worse.  I get it, and I can’t say that I am completely sorry that she feels that way.  I really didn’t want to have to drive six and a half hours over the next couple of days, stay in yet another hotel, and try to remain strong during her ordeal…hoping that the extra travel and stress wasn’t affecting my own chances of getting pregnant (but of course secretly obsessing that it was).  If it was something else…a car accident or an emergency with my niece…nothing could keep me away.  But this is different…this is about her terminating a pregnancy that I would quite literally give one of my smaller appendages to have…and I am selfishly relieved that my role as her supporter through this is being limited.  I love her dearly, but I cannot save her…and that is what I would want to do if I was there.

I am also so relieved to be going home today.  By last evening, I had settled into “resting,” and quite enjoyed my evening of TV and Angry Birds.  But I want my smuffin muffins (I have a list of stupid nicknames for my dogs that is a mile long) to snuggle with and my own bed to sleep in.  I want to put my arms around The Prince and have him make jokes about Baby Hamish 1 and Baby Hamish 2.  I am supposed to go to dinner with a couple of my fertility friends tonight, and it will be so nice to have some company after being isolated the last day and a half.  It will just be so nice to be home.  I might even call off work tomorrow…even though I probably should save that day off…to just continue the relaxation and “nesting” right through the weekend.  I feel better today.  More at ease…more calm…and back to “cautiously optimistic” that the embryos are burrowing in as I type this.  Perhaps Princess Positive Polly is coming back after all.


7 comments:

One Cycle at a Time said...

I hate to say it but I'm glad you don't have to go help your sister either. I just can't imagine that would be good for the positive vibes you're trying to send Hammish 1 and 2 so they'll stick around.

Btw, you deserve some sort of award for even being able to let her vent to you. When my mom told me Plain Jane was thinking of aborting I was hysterical.... and for a solid month if I even thought about that conversation I'd lose it again.... So bravo to you for even being able to reach out to her....

Here's to hoping both your little guys stick!!! :-)

Sandy said...

Hoping this is the cycle for you! You are such a good sister. I'm also on my 2WW and I'm not sure I would be up for that call!

S said...

Glad to hear you are feeling better.

And I am overwhelmed by everything you've shared with us about your sister. If I needed further proof for the adage "Life isn't fair," your situation with her would be a good example. To live with endo and go through 6 IVFs while your sister has six unplanned pregnancies. . . too much. I'm sorry you've had to deal with that.

Lindsey said...

I'm so sorry the last few days have been so tough with your sis, but i'm so glad that you're getting back to positive Polly! You have two perfect little embie-babies/Hamishes snuggling in right now and those will be your focus!

I also know what you mean about the silly dog names and how nice it feels to go home and snuggle them! My nickname for my little pup Panda Bear has always been Baby Bear and then my sister had her baby and started calling him that. I know its rediculous but it made me mad! The baby can't steal Panda's nickname!!

New Year Mum said...

Oh hun... sorry to hear about what's going on for your sister but I agree with the others, that it's probably best for your positive, relaxed feeling and therefore your bubs to support her from a distance. It must be so hard... and it sounds like you really care for her but resting is so important at the moment. Just imagine those gorgeous little Hamish's snuggling in and making themselves at home. Keeping all my fingers and toes crossed for you and sending you lots of sticky vibes from Oz. Love always xoxo

Lissie said...

Just wanted to say hello. I jsut recently found your blog. Sorry you are going through such rough times. It seems like it all piles on at the worst times! I also wanted to give you a Stylish Blogger award. Hope things start smoothing out for you!

barrenlazza said...

How crazy can life be? I couldn't believe it when I came across this post of yours.

How awful for you and how awful for your sis.

I bet she doesn't feel great aborting a baby when she knows how much you are trying for one.

And it must be so hard for you wanting a baby so badly and knowing your sis is having to do this.

Best of luck to you both.