Monday, May 16, 2011

The 100th Post!!!!

When I started this blog, I was in a place of desperation.  I felt sad and conflicted about our use of an egg donor.  I was teetering on despair and hadn’t felt hopeful for a long time.  I decided to start blogging because I felt like my head would likely explode, and my chest would implode, if I didn’t get my thoughts and feelings onto paper.  I never expected to tell anyone I knew about my blog and I never expected people to actually read it.  I just needed a sounding board.  I was fully embracing the shame and self-loathing that comes with IF…in fact, I was drowning in it, and I didn’t trust my own inner dialogue to guide me in the right direction any more. 

You hear stories in the news about strangers committing random acts of kindness, and the impact it makes on the lives that they touch and the world in general.  I want every one of you to know that every comment you’ve ever posted on this blog was one of those amazing random acts of kindness.  Although I have shared my blog with some of my in-person fertility friends, the vast majority of you have never met me, don’t know who I am and likely never will.  And yet, you’ve shared your hearts with me.  You’ve had opportunities to kick me while I’m down or to affirm my fears and doubts, but you never have.  This blog started out being about me, but I feel like it has become more about all of you…and our friendships…because I truly consider each of you my friend.  And every day, when I write, I feel like I’m writing to my friends…like I’m sharing myself…not just analyzing myself.

It is strange looking at how much has changed in five months.  The last five months, since the date I began my blog, have passed in slow motion.  I think, in the IF journey, time does run thick like molasses.  But if I look at my old posts, I realize that a lot…I mean A LOT…has happened during those five months.  And when I look at what has happened in terms of my personal growth since January, I have to say that five months doesn’t seem like such a long time to have packed in so many blessings.    

Speaking of blessings, today we got our second blood test results.  Our level was 715.  We had been expecting around 300, or maybe 500.  The average HcG level for a healthy singleton pregnancy at 18dpo is around 303 – 522.  The average HcG level for a healthy twin pregnancy at this point is 499 – 963.  So, although our HcG level is a bit high, I personally still feel like we have one Baby Hamish cookin’ in the oven.  The nurse I spoke with this afternoon also said that people rarely fall within the averages and you can't really know anything until an ultrasound confirms it.  But The Prince has jumped the gun on his twins fears...and he is beside himself.  His first words when I told him the level was, “I hope you like our house, because if we have twins, we’re going to be stuck in it for the rest of our lives.”  Poor Prince.  I suggested that he give himself one month to be happy about the pregnancy no matter if we have one little Hamish or two little Hamish (or would it be “Hamishes”.  Perhaps “Hami” is the plural?).  There will be lots of time for him to freak out over finances and plan for the future.  He’s trying but I think his hair has turned at least 50% gray since last week. 

There are a number of possible alternate endings for this fairy tale, some happy, some not so happy and some "happy with terms and conditions."  But no matter what, looking back on this blog, I am immensely satisfied with this leg of the journey and how my story unfolded over the last five months.  Five months ago, I didn't truly believe I could get pregnant.  Now, my dream has come true.  Whether this ends up being “happily ever after” or just the beginning of another volume of our IF story, I feel so blessed and so thankful to have this blog, to have my first BFP and to have all of you sharing this journey.  Happy 100th Post Day (Oh yeah…it deserves it’s own day of celebration...as do each of you)!   

11 comments:

Endo_Life said...

Congratulations friend :0). I will definitely be jealous (in a good way) if it is twins, there is just something about twins! That is the one reason I am looking forward to IVF.

Happy 100th post day!

PS Looks like blogger is allowing me to post comments again!

Dawn said...

Congrats! I've been on pins and needles waiting for this beta! I'm so happy that the number is so high and that the end of the 5 month journey has lead you here.

aliciamarie911 said...

Yay for your 100th post! I'm on 91. I'll be there soon! Those HCG levels are pretty high. Who knows, you MAY have twins! Wouldn't that be exciting!

Sandy said...

Congrats! I've been thinking about you today and hoping that you had high numbers. Twins would be great!

Christina said...

Congrats on the big 1-0-0! Let's not forget to mention the awesome 715! I think it is hard not to think twins when you have higher than normal levels or doubling times. Then there is the fact that you transferred 2, so it is possible, but you won't know until the u/s!

Thinking of you and the Prince and beyond ecstatic for you guys to have made so much progress and change in these 5m!

New Year Mum said...

What a gorgeous 100th post... wonderful results :)) You're such a special friend to all of us too.... so glad to have 'met' you and be sharing this journey with you. Love to your little one/s and a big virtual hug for you xoxo

China Doll said...

Congrats on the great beta! Twins are possible of course, but I've also heard that people rarely fall within the 'average' ranges, so who knows!
Congrats on the 100th post too.. I've so enjoyed reading your blog and becoming your friend xx

Kt said...

haha Hami....exactly what I was thinking as I was reading. High levels, exciting. I'd love twins (if IVF works!), fingers crossed for you even if you will be stuck in the same place for eternity :)

One Cycle at a Time said...

Wow!!! I'm so excited for you!! Either a singleton or a twin pg would be something to celebrate after all your work getting this far! Congrats!!! :-)

amiracle4us said...

Whether it's two or one....its a huge success and something to be celebrated!! Those numbers are great and while we wish they would give us a clear answer, they don't. Hope hubs doesn't fret too much until you know exactly what is cookin in that belly! Yes, the finances are SCARY but if you have two now, or one now and one later...the cost is the same!!
Congrats again :)

Bobbi said...

I just came across your blog! Yay for your 100th post. I'm so happy to hear about your recent IVF success! :) I'm also an IVF success story and am 10.5 weeks pregnant after a successful FET. Praise God! I'm now following your blog and looking forward to reading about your pregnancy and watch your story unfold. :)