Friday, May 27, 2011

Good News and Really Bad News

To say that I am lost right now would be a huge understatement.  We just got back from our 6 week ultrasound.  I’ve been incredibly sick all week and the nurses were concerned from the start because I had trouble staying in the room because I kept getting sick.  Then, drawing blood was almost impossible because I am so dehydrated.  By the time they took my blood pressure and heart rate, the doctor was already writing me a prescription for medication that will help me keep food and fluids down and that will also help me sleep.  My blood pressure is a little high, my heart rate is off the charts.  I’ve known all week that I wasn’t doing so great, but I just took comfort in the fact that I was so sick because I was housing two little babies…and that’s a lot of change to adjust to.

But then they did the ultrasound…and there was only one heartbeat.  It’s a strong heartbeat, especially given that we are only 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant.  But it’s one heartbeat.  The other gestational sac that we saw last week (which was actually the bigger one last week… and the one they found first) has gotten a little smaller since last week and there is no visible yolk sac in it, much less an embryo.  The nurse doing the scan was really sweet.  She said “Twins are fickle little things.  If we don’t see a heartbeat next week then we’ll know for sure that it decided not to stick around.  But don’t worry.  Your body will just reabsorb it and your cute-as-a-button baby with the healthy heartbeat will do just fine.  Sometimes these things just happen.”  The nurse also said that it isn’t guaranteed that the second baby won’t show up next week.  She said that sometimes with twins one will just be tucked up in a spot that is tough to see until the 7th week.  But she won’t be shocked if the sac is gone or almost gone next week. If she had to bet one way or the other, she would bet that we have one baby.

I held it together and smiled until she was out of the room and then I lost it.  I started sobbing.  I was angry with The Prince because he wasn’t upset at all about losing one…he was just so excited to see the heartbeat on the one that’s doing well.  So, needing to lash out, I said “You seem a little too relieved.  I guess you don’t have to worry about daycare costs now.”  He insisted that he just isn’t going to get upset or get his hopes up about the twin because he thinks it is too early to know anything.  He said he’ll deal with it next week.  I explained that I’ve already researched the “vanishing twin” phenomenon for hours and, I can assure him, that things don’t look good.  (When I got home, I compared this week’s pictures with last week’s…the twin is definitely gone.  The sac has collapsed to about half the size that it was last week and the edges aren’t defined anymore like they were last week.)  He feels like we should be happy with one.  It is what we set out to have and we have one very healthy baby to be thankful for.  Plus, he said he’s been worried since last week that my body won’t be able to handle twins.  I have a lot of health issues and have had three uterine suspensions because my uterus keeps falling and getting stuck to my pelvic floor by adhesions…without the weight of babies in it.  He thinks that maybe this is nature’s way of taking care of what would end up being a dangerous situation for me and the babies later on.

I hear him, but I can’t process what he is saying.  All I can think is that I should be so happy and feeling so blessed to have one healthy baby…something I was beginning to doubt I was ever going to get…and instead I am crying and grieving a baby that we never even really saw.  I feel terrible that I wish I could go back to last week and not say anything about the possibility of twins…so that the nurse wouldn’t have moved the wand and I would never have known that there were ever two.  I have always had a “better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” kind of girl.  But I’m not so sure in this situation.  If I had never known, I would just be over the moon thrilled right now, instead of bawling. 

My family is going to be here in a couple of hours and I don’t know how to stomach making my pregnancy announcement to them under these circumstances.  They are going to expect me to be so insanely happy, after everything we’ve gone through to get pregnant.  I don’t know if I can fake “insanely happy” right now.  I don’t know if I can even try.  And I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t have to fake it…I should just feel that way.  How ungrateful am I that I am complaining about making a pregnancy announcement to my family?  What the hell is wrong with me?  Five months ago I would have given a limb to be in this position – one healthy little baby in my belly.  But now…UGH!  I don’t even know what to say.  I’m sorry and I hope this post isn’t angering or upsetting anyone.  I haven’t forgotten my IF struggle or what so many women are going through right now.  I know in my head how lucky I am…I just can’t get my heart on board right now.  It’s too busy being broken.

15 comments:

aliciamarie911 said...

I'm sorry about the second baby. I know you've been looking forward to getting pregnant. You have every right to be grieving the other baby. They're in you. Don't feel that you shouldn't feel upset about it. You have every right. I've been thinking about you lately

S said...

I am sorry for your loss. FWIW, I think it's totally understandable for you to be sad about it. I would be, too.

I don't think you should have to fake any feelings for your family's benefit. You can easily explain to them that while you are ecstatic to be pregnant, you are also sad that one of your little beans didn't make it. And as early as it is, I would think any reasonable person would understand a feeling of cautious optimism, especially after all you've been through to get to this point.

Marianne said...

I'm so sorry hon. My first u/s wasn't until 6 weeks 4 days where we saw one embryo with a perfect heartbeat and measuring on track. There was a second small sack that was empty that was probably from the other embryo that was transferred. This didn't upset me at all because I had thought all along there was only one - if I had had an earlier scan and 2 sacks had been seen I would have been devastated. Hang in there.

COME ON BABY said...

Oh sweets I am so sorry. Big huge hugs to you. xoxoxo

China Doll said...

I'm so sorry :( Of course you are right to want to grieve this baby... I think it's totally true that men become fathers when the baby is born whereas women become mothers once they're pregnant, so maybe that can explain some of your Prince's reaction.

It will be hard to announce to your family, despite the fact that you still have a strong baby to celebrate.. thinking of you xx

Christina said...

Oh no! I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of one of the Hamishes. Chon is right. The moment you knew you were pregnant, you loved that baby. The moment you found out it was twins, you loved them both. You have lost a very loved baby and have the right to feel sad, upset and grief.

I also see the Prince's point of nature taking care of things to prevent any further uterine difficulties for you. It probably is healthier, safer and better for you and the baby for there only to be one in there. It doesn't make the hurt or the loss any easier. Grieve your lost baby and celebrate the strong healthy one still growing within you!!

My New Normal said...

Of course you are going to be sad for the baby you lost. But at the same time you can be happy for the baby who is still growing inside you. This year I have learned that it is possible to be both happy and sad. So be both!

Hillary said...

Hi! I read you all the time but rarely comment... :(. I just wanted to say that you feel and act however you feel like feeling and acting no matter who is around you. You are officially a momma for the first time (no matter if it was only for a couple of weeks) and of course you should absolutly be able to grieve for the loss of your baby! I have 2 children here on earth and 2 in heaven and I still grieve every day for the two that are not here with me. It doesn't matter that I do have 2 in the next room, I'm still a mother to the other 2 and I miss them both terribly! You, as a momma now are entitled to feel the exact same way!!

The feelings that you are feeling now mean that you are going to be an awesome momma to the baby that you will have have on earth here with you because of the strong love and depth of feelings that you already have! (sorry that was the worst run-on sentence ever... )

Love and prayers to you!

xoxox

Lindsey said...

I'm so sorry. You have every right to be sad and to grieve. Don't feel like you have to make your announcement today either. This is your time to do what YOU want!

New Year Mum said...

Sorry about my slow commenting... hun you have every right to feel as though your grieving for your lost little one. Losing a bub at any stage is devastating and your feelings are completely understandable. I wish I could give you a big hug. The roller-coaster certainly doesn't end with IF :( So sorry to hear that you've got bad morning sickness... look after yourself and your bub. My heart goes out to you and wish that there was something I could do for you from afar. Love always xoxo

bean dreams said...

I am so sorry. I agree, the moment you know, you love immediately. You have every right to feel this way and (at least in my experience) the prince will understand that, it just may take awhile. I feel the boys don't understand so much we go through emotionally, even though it is completely natural. Sorry to hear you have been very sick as well. Sending strength to you and your little bean.

Christina said...

I just wanted to stop back by and let you know I've been thinking of you! Wishing you peace and happiness (eventually) after your loss.

Sending you the largest internet hugs I can!

Kristen said...

I'm so sorry about the loss of one of your twins. It's a very real loss and it's OK to grieve it. Also sorry you are so sick...that's so hard. Hugs to you...
xo

nobabyruth said...

I just clicked over to the your blog from LFCA and wanted to send you good thoughts and hugs. I went through a nearly identical experience - two sacs at the first scan, told close family we were expecting twins, and then just one heartbeat at the next scan. That was about 30 weeks ago - I'm now 35weeks along with our survivor. It was devastating and I still think all the time about that second baby. The mix of emotions - joy and sorrow - is really tough to handle. I felt horrible for not celebrating the strong heartbeat of the one little bean more, but I just had to grieve. I can tell you that it DOES get better as time goes on, but it always hurts. I just hope that you find that the sorrow lessens and the joy increases with each day.

Dawn said...

I'm so terribly sorry to hear this. (((hugs)))