Sunday, May 1, 2011

PUPO or STUPIDO?





Fairy tales aren’t like movies.  In fairy tales, once things start going well for the hero of the story, you know the happily ever after is on its way.  There are no last minute plot twists or curve balls.  Fairy tales follow a script - bad things happen, obstacles are overcome, things start to go right (finally) and that momentum continues to build until the happy ending.  I am treating this cycle like a fairy tale, and I’m not sure why because we all know that infertility does not always end in a happily ever after.

Things have been so disappointing, so crappy, for so long in my journey, that my recent shift in luck has me convinced that the cycle is going to result in me giving birth to my baby/babies.  I’ve even embraced the concept that I am 2 weeks pregnant until proven otherwise.  I have found the concept of PUPO absurd, since our first disappointment.  Why would anyone set themselves up for such major disappointment, when so much can go wrong?  And yet, here I am, smiling as I send out my Mother’s Day gifts and cards to family and friends, humming my happy “I might be two weeks pregnant (sort of)” song. 

I’ve always struggled with happy mediums.  With infertility, at first I was always “all-in,” certain that each cycle was “the one.”  Then, after a few disappointments, I think I started going into each cycle with a “well it would be great if it works, but it probably isn’t going to” attitude.  I lied to myself and to others, trying to be Positive Polly, but I knew in my heart that when I said I was “cautiously optimistic,” I really meant “I think I’ve already failed.” 

I’ve watched people in person and in my short blog life get their positive pregnancy tests, or go through IVF cycles, and try to balance between hope and fear.  They talk about being hopeful but not excited.  They talk about thinking they might be pregnant, but not being happy yet because they know all to well that so much can go wrong.  And while a lot of people will say that absolute positivity is required to manifest desired outcomes, I look at the women who are truly being “cautiously optimistic” and I think that they are probably being smart.  They will likely fall less hard than their Positive Polly counterparts, should disappointment knock at their door.  In my everyday life…especially my professional life…I find their strategy to be the best – prepare yourself for the worst, while hoping for the best.

But I just can’t do it this cycle.  I can’t even get on board with The Prince’s “I think it’s going to work but it will be good that we might get a second or third chance if it doesn’t” attitude (again…a perfectly legitimate and likely healthy attitude).  No…I am all-in!  And when that little voice inside of me says “Whoa…slow down…you are headed for a major fall if you’re wrong about this one,”  the stronger part of me says “But you’re not wrong…so don’t worry about the fall that isn’t coming.”  The little voice will say “You are going to feel really stupid having announced to the world that you are certain this is the cycle that is going to work when it doesn’t,” but the louder part of me says “Shut up” (that louder, stronger part is a bit sassy).  

There’s no real point to this post…maybe I should have warned you about that at the beginning.  I’m just putting out there the internal dialogue I’ve had going on in my head since Friday afternoon.  I’m hoping that by putting it out into Blogger Land, I’ll manage to gain some sense of resolution between the two parts of me that seem to have been perpetually at war throughout this journey.


As an aside, I want to thank people for all of their kind comments and encouragement over the AWESOME egg count, and I want to thank people for weighing in on my response to The Prince’s reaction.  It was good to be reminded that men do think differently than women do, and that we will likely end up on the same page eventually.  Sometimes it is hard to be sympathetic to his feelings and needs when I feel like mine are being neglected…but I have all of you and all of my infertility friends here at home…The Prince only has his personal trainer (someone he pays to kick his butt)…not really an even match.  He deserves to be cut some slack. 

I felt that I should clarify, based on one comment, that when I say I need him to have a certain reaction to my pregnancy announcement, I use the word “need” like you would use it when you say “I need support” or “I need a hug.”  It is more than a want…stronger, but I will not fall apart if I don’t get the desired response.  I will feel “unwhole” for awhile if my pregnancy announcement is a flop.  But I just have to trust that, as with a needed hug when I am sad, he will be willing to rise to the occasion.  I appreciate the comment I’m referring to, because it made me double-check that I wasn’t being unreasonable, but I think that I’m not…I’m just being my emotional self.  And, if all else fails, I have my well-planned announcements for each family member…and, as they are all emotional women like myself, I know they won’t disappoint.  Thanks again for the insight, ladies.    


8 comments:

Christina said...

Some times, when the odds are great, and your on a streak, you have to bet it all on black. I am genuinely hoping that everything works out as fabulous as it has to far!

AS for the announcement, I would have loved to have done something big and cute for the Boy. Both times, I just showed him the stick in silence. At least we'll get to do some grand reveal with fam and friends (hopefully!).

New Year Mum said...

You've got every right to feel really good about this cycle and revel in the fantastic egg result... cherish every minute :)) Maybe your intuition is telling you that this cycle has a really good chance and the wave of positivity that grows will carry you to your dream. I'm feeling really positive about your cycle and thinking of you sooooo much for your transfer. Love to you always xoxo

IVFJess said...

Please- teach me how to find my way back to being "Positive Polly" and go all in with my emotions! Honestly, it's so encouraging that you are so hopeful (as you should be- what a great egg count!) after all you've been through. I'm 5 weeks pregnant after IVF 3.0 now, and still can't find my Positive Polly- and wonder if I ever will after my own journey. I'm just too prepared for loss and so unprepared for a happy "fairy tale ending." I tell myself I'm just being careful, but I know the loss will hurt just as much if I'm sad or happy now. You know? So keep on being PUPO and Positive Polly- I love it! (sorry for my long ramble!)

Jessica said...

Come across your blog through LFCA...I think that we have a lot in common! Congrats on your awesome retrieval! Our donor didn't do so well on Saturday and we got dropped from this cycle because we were secondary:( I really hope that I have a donor like yours next time around. I wish you the best of luck on Tuesday!!!

China Doll said...

Why not be positive and all in?! Why not believe that this will be the one? I am veering in this direction too because I have never really believed that I would get pregnant before and I think I really need to start believing it.. so, why not now :)

amiracle4us said...

Im with IVFjess....your positivity is wonderful!! I am lost as to how you keep it there tightly, can you send me some???

Princess Wahna Bea Mama said...

Thanks, Ladies. I wish I knew what caused the shift in my outlook so I could bottle it for everyone else. I also battle with my weight (I should say...I lose a war with my weight) and I imagine that this feeling I have now is what people feel when they finally embark on their 50 or 100 pound weight-loss journeys. Something just clicks...factors fit together and create the perfect storm...and they just know. It's going to work this time. I know that having so much positive encouragement from my blog buddies and my infertility friends here at home has to have been a huge part of it. Never have I had so much support. I can't wait to return the favor and support all of you to your BFP's too.

Lindsey said...

PUPO! (I'm answering the question in your title...) I'm so glad you're feeling so positive! The stars have alligned and this is IT! As of tomorrow you'll be PUPO!!! Sorry for all the exclaimation points but if you can't tell I'm really exctied for you!