PUPO or STUPIDO?



Fairy tales aren’t like movies.  In fairy tales, once things start going well for the hero of the story, you know the happily ever after is on its way.  There are no last minute plot twists or curve balls.  Fairy tales follow a script - bad things happen, obstacles are overcome, things start to go right (finally) and that momentum continues to build until the happy ending.  I am treating this cycle like a fairy tale, and I’m not sure why because we all know that infertility does not always end in a happily ever after.

Things have been so disappointing, so crappy, for so long in my journey, that my recent shift in luck has me convinced that the cycle is going to result in me giving birth to my baby/babies.  I’ve even embraced the concept that I am 2 weeks pregnant until proven otherwise.  I have found the concept of PUPO absurd, since our first disappointment.  Why would anyone set themselves up for such major disappointment, when so much can go wrong?  And yet, here I am, smiling as I send out my Mother’s Day gifts and cards to family and friends, humming my happy “I might be two weeks pregnant (sort of)” song. 

I’ve always struggled with happy mediums.  With infertility, at first I was always “all-in,” certain that each cycle was “the one.”  Then, after a few disappointments, I think I started going into each cycle with a “well it would be great if it works, but it probably isn’t going to” attitude.  I lied to myself and to others, trying to be Positive Polly, but I knew in my heart that when I said I was “cautiously optimistic,” I really meant “I think I’ve already failed.” 

I’ve watched people in person and in my short blog life get their positive pregnancy tests, or go through IVF cycles, and try to balance between hope and fear.  They talk about being hopeful but not excited.  They talk about thinking they might be pregnant, but not being happy yet because they know all to well that so much can go wrong.  And while a lot of people will say that absolute positivity is required to manifest desired outcomes, I look at the women who are truly being “cautiously optimistic” and I think that they are probably being smart.  They will likely fall less hard than their Positive Polly counterparts, should disappointment knock at their door.  In my everyday life…especially my professional life…I find their strategy to be the best – prepare yourself for the worst, while hoping for the best.

But I just can’t do it this cycle.  I can’t even get on board with The Prince’s “I think it’s going to work but it will be good that we might get a second or third chance if it doesn’t” attitude (again…a perfectly legitimate and likely healthy attitude).  No…I am all-in!  And when that little voice inside of me says “Whoa…slow down…you are headed for a major fall if you’re wrong about this one,”  the stronger part of me says “But you’re not wrong…so don’t worry about the fall that isn’t coming.”  The little voice will say “You are going to feel really stupid having announced to the world that you are certain this is the cycle that is going to work when it doesn’t,” but the louder part of me says “Shut up” (that louder, stronger part is a bit sassy).  

There’s no real point to this post…maybe I should have warned you about that at the beginning.  I’m just putting out there the internal dialogue I’ve had going on in my head since Friday afternoon.  I’m hoping that by putting it out into Blogger Land, I’ll manage to gain some sense of resolution between the two parts of me that seem to have been perpetually at war throughout this journey.

As an aside, I want to thank people for all of their kind comments and encouragement over the AWESOME egg count, and I want to thank people for weighing in on my response to The Prince’s reaction.  It was good to be reminded that men do think differently than women do, and that we will likely end up on the same page eventually.  Sometimes it is hard to be sympathetic to his feelings and needs when I feel like mine are being neglected…but I have all of you and all of my infertility friends here at home…The Prince only has his personal trainer (someone he pays to kick his butt)…not really an even match.  He deserves to be cut some slack. 

I felt that I should clarify, based on one comment, that when I say I need him to have a certain reaction to my pregnancy announcement, I use the word “need” like you would use it when you say “I need support” or “I need a hug.”  It is more than a want…stronger, but I will not fall apart if I don’t get the desired response.  I will feel “unwhole” for awhile if my pregnancy announcement is a flop.  But I just have to trust that, as with a needed hug when I am sad, he will be willing to rise to the occasion.  I appreciate the comment I’m referring to, because it made me double-check that I wasn’t being unreasonable, but I think that I’m not…I’m just being my emotional self.  And, if all else fails, I have my well-planned announcements for each family member…and, as they are all emotional women like myself, I know they won’t disappoint.  Thanks again for the insight, ladies.