The Experiment Begins

After yesterday's post, I got lots of great advice about how to deal with my desire to POAS very early...specifically on Mother's Day (10 dpo).  I thought a lot about what everyone had to say and came up with the following plan. 

Part One of the Plan - Test This Morning.

Today was 9dpo, impossibly early to get a positive result and, as you can see from the horrid picture above, the HPT was, predictably, negative.  I decided that it would be prudent to test this morning because it would give me an opportunity to see how it would feel to see a negative result.  That way, if it was too devastating, I would avoid that pain on Mother’s Day, because I would know to avoid testing that day. 

Here is what I learned this morning:

1.                  I am not pregnant yet.

2.                  It hurts a little bit to see that negative, even when you know, logically, that it is virtually impossible for the test to be positive.  I kept staring at the test, willing it to become positive, my stomach tightening into a knot as I realized it wasn’t going to happen.

3.                  I can see the “positive” line if I look at the test long enough, even though it disappears if I look away for a second.  In other words, my mind is clearly more than happy to make crap up to soothe me, when it can.  If I have to look at the test for more than 20 seconds straight to see that line, then I cannot believe that it actually exists.

4.                  My camera on my phone SUCKS!

5.                  I am not above rummaging through the garbage in the bathroom to check, and double check, and triple check that nothing changed with the test after I throw it away.

6.                  I am going to have to start forcing myself to wake-up enough during my daily 4:00 a.m. pee break (apparently my bladder is too little to make it the whole night) to catch the first morning pee, because I barely had anything to use at 6:00 a.m., when I tested this morning.

7.                  I’m going to need more home pregnancy tests.

8.                  I am okay with the idea that it is just too early to be positive and I am okay to test tomorrow.  The negative result didn’t diminish my hope for this cycle in any way.  Sure, it took a couple of minutes to clear my head and shake off the disappointment, but the disappointment left a lot faster than I anticipated.  I’m looking forward to everything I have to do today and, now that the testing is done, I’m done with it….which brings me to Part 2 of the Experiment….

PART Two of the Plan- Test Every Single Morning and Blog About the Results, Then Move On With My Day

I think it is better to get this stuff out of the way first thing in the morning, each morning, from now through Thursday, so that I am not spending my entire day at work wondering what the test might have said if I had taken it that morning.  Plus, blogging helps me work through my feelings about things.  By adding a schedule component – POAS, blog about it, move along -  I will get the knowledge I need and feel like I’ve already shared my feelings about the results with trusted friends.  Hopefully that will help me to set negative results aside until the next morning, when we all engage in my experiment together again.  That’s the plan, at least.  And, when the test starts showing up positive, we can all decide together how I am going to fit my announcement plans around whatever day it happens on…or if I need to wait for a darker line before getting The Prince involved, etc.  As a “reward” for your participation in my experiment, you will get the joy of looking at the horrible, blurry pictures of sticks I have peed on each morning (just like Oprah’s favorite things, right?).

As with any experiment, this one might fall apart at any time…and, as per usual…I will absolutely blame the progesterone, rather than my mental stability (or lack thereof) if that happens.  But I think this is a good plan.

Alright…well I’m off to acupuncture and lunch with a fertility friend.  Thanks to all of you again for helping me through the madness that is the two week wait.