Yes...Another Obnoxious POAS Picture...



Day Four – It is Tuesday morning, and I still have a positive.  I’m almost done with this part of “The Experiment.”  I will POAS again tomorrow and then I will have my first beta test on Thursday morning.  I freaked out and contacted the nurse yesterday, to see if I should come in for the blood test a couple of days early.  I was most disappointed when her answer was, “No.  You’ve got to wait it out so we can compare your levels to everyone (insert “all of the sane people who can wait the full two weeks”) else’s levels.” 

I think that there needs to be an end point to my POAS.  I’m not doing it for fun anymore.  I’m not enjoying every time it comes up positive.  I’m doing it with shaking hands and a tight chest, irritated to be peeing on my hands at 3:00 a.m. and terrified that the line is going to disappear on me.  That was never what POAS was supposed to be about, and I refuse to let my pregnancy be dictated by fear.  I am determined not to lose out on this experience just because infertility has stolen my naivety and has made me aware of all that could go wrong.  I want my blissful ignorance back and if I can’t have it…I’m going to fake it.  I will still probably buy an “emergency” Clearblue Easy Digital kit…a “break open in case of emergency” kind of thing…for the mornings I wake up in a panic and only the comfort of seeing the words “Pregnant” will squelch the fear and let me fall back asleep.  But no more staring at and analyzing pink lines at 3:00 a.m. each morning.  After tomorrow, that part of this experiment… of this journey… is done.

In other news, I have the most amazing fertility friends EVER!  (I have the most amazing blog buddies, too…but that’s another whole post).  Since Mother’s Day, support has been pouring in from my “real life” fertility friends who read my blog.  Some of them are still in the midst of their struggles, some are pregnant, and some have “graduated” to motherhood.  All of them have been amazing.  No one has told me that they are happy for me but sad for themselves, even though I know that is how some must feel.  No one has yet asked that I give them some distance, even though I’ve been expecting for that request to come.  My biggest fear about getting pregnant, even bigger than losing the pregnancy, has been losing all of my friends.  I’ve been so blessed to have friends who are stronger than I am…friends who are putting a positive spin on my pregnancy, even though I haven’t always been able to do the same in the face of my friends’ announcements in the past.  I know that feelings will ebb and flow, and I will ride out every wave of emotions with each of my friends…giving space when needed and being there through the rest of their journeys whenever I am allowed.  But I just had to share that I am so happy that I haven’t been faced with the loss of friendships yet…and that I recognize and am grateful for my friends’ strength and support.

On a less fun note, a couple of weeks ago, before I was sure of the timing of this cycle, I had set up a dinner/support group for tonight with my other fertility friends.  The support group that is usually held on the second Tuesday of each month is being dedicated to making vision boards this month…and some of us already have a whole gallery of them.  So, we planned our own get-together…a non-vision board carb-fest if you will.  The timing ended up being terrible.  I have fretted the last two days over whether I should contact the people who are coming, to tell them about my positive HPT’s, even though I think it is too early to be “spreading the news.”  I don’t want them to find out through the grapevine later on, or worse…at dinner tonight… and feel like they were deceived.  On the other hand, most of my friends who are going tonight already know because they read my blog, and I’m glad they found out through the blog…because I’m really not ready to write “the email.”  So, for now, for better or worse, I am in a situation where most of the people at dinner tonight are going to know that I am a little bit pregnant, they know that not everyone at the dinner knows, and they know that it will be best if the status of my cycle does not become a topic of conversation at dinner.  I can honestly say, if asked, that I am waiting for my beta on Thursday.  It’s not a lie…just an omission…and an omission that I think a lot of people would make if they didn’t even have their first beta under their belt, yet.  But I am scared…scared that I’m going about this the wrong way and that the couple of people who do not know will feel hurt later on, if they find out that I knew but didn’t’ say anything to them.  What do you feel is the best way to handle this…keeping in mind that I am only about twelve hours out from the dinner, so I don’t have time to implement any change of plans that is too elaborate?  Thank you as always for your input.

So Here's the Mother's Day Situation...



I know that this is Mother’s Day (or at least American Mother’s Day) and that today is one of the suckiest days of the entire year for a lot of women dealing with infertility.  I don’t want to make anyone’s day any worse, and I’ve really struggled about whether I should save this post for tomorrow to avoid the possibility of hurting anyone.  But in the end, my selfish needs have to come first on this blog.  So if you are getting the feeling that this post might make your day worse, I won’t be upset if you stop reading and I hope that today is gentle on you.

For three years, I’ve waited to be pregnant…even a little bit pregnant.  I have never had the joy of getting a positive pregnancy test…not even a chemical pregnancy…nothing.  So, imagine my joy when on Day 2 of “my experiment”…on Mother’s Day…I FINALLY GOT MY POSITIVE!!!



In all fairness, it isn’t yet a “strong” positive (I don't know that it has yet risen to the level of "BFP," perhaps just "P"), so I’ve given you a comparison picture between yesterday’s late morning test (top) and this morning’s test (bottom)…in case the second line was hard for you to see in the first picture.  After 23 pictures of these pregnancy tests, and about 100 examinations, I can assure you, there is a “positive” line and my mind is not playing tricks on me.  (I just checked again…just to make sure).  I’ve even tried the different light sources and there is no light in which I don’t see the line, faint as it may be.

After I got the positive (while The Prince was still sleeping), I put on my “Situation” t-shirt, brushed my teeth, did my hair, and decided to wait for him to wake-up on his own.  But then…before he could wake-up…the t-shirt came off and I jumped back into bed.  I’m not ready to tell him.  I’m shaking and excited and am not sure what will come out of my mouth when I open it, but I don’t WANT to tell him right now.  I know that if I tell him this morning, he will still have to leave to spend the entire day at his parents’ restaurant.  I know it will be almost impossible for him not to tell them if he is there alone with them (I am the self-restraint in the relationship, if you can believe that), and I will be really hurt and upset if he tells them before we get to the first ultrasound.  That was our deal…if we make it to a heartbeat, we get to make the announcement (or should I say…I get to make the announcement for us).  Plus, I’m not delusional.  I know that I am only a teensy bit pregnant, and I can’t “take it to the bank” just yet.  I don’t want to have to “un-announce” a pregnancy days after we (The Prince) announced it.

So, until The Prince gets home tonight, I will keep the t-shirt locked away.  I will swallow the huge, excited lump in my throat, and I will wait…wait until he comes home and has a chance to relax.  I will wait until we can really enjoy the news together…on Mother’s Day…because after three years on this horrible quest, we deserve a little happiness together.

The Experiment Begins

After yesterday's post, I got lots of great advice about how to deal with my desire to POAS very early...specifically on Mother's Day (10 dpo).  I thought a lot about what everyone had to say and came up with the following plan. 

Part One of the Plan - Test This Morning.

Today was 9dpo, impossibly early to get a positive result and, as you can see from the horrid picture above, the HPT was, predictably, negative.  I decided that it would be prudent to test this morning because it would give me an opportunity to see how it would feel to see a negative result.  That way, if it was too devastating, I would avoid that pain on Mother’s Day, because I would know to avoid testing that day. 

Here is what I learned this morning:

1.                  I am not pregnant yet.

2.                  It hurts a little bit to see that negative, even when you know, logically, that it is virtually impossible for the test to be positive.  I kept staring at the test, willing it to become positive, my stomach tightening into a knot as I realized it wasn’t going to happen.

3.                  I can see the “positive” line if I look at the test long enough, even though it disappears if I look away for a second.  In other words, my mind is clearly more than happy to make crap up to soothe me, when it can.  If I have to look at the test for more than 20 seconds straight to see that line, then I cannot believe that it actually exists.

4.                  My camera on my phone SUCKS!

5.                  I am not above rummaging through the garbage in the bathroom to check, and double check, and triple check that nothing changed with the test after I throw it away.

6.                  I am going to have to start forcing myself to wake-up enough during my daily 4:00 a.m. pee break (apparently my bladder is too little to make it the whole night) to catch the first morning pee, because I barely had anything to use at 6:00 a.m., when I tested this morning.

7.                  I’m going to need more home pregnancy tests.

8.                  I am okay with the idea that it is just too early to be positive and I am okay to test tomorrow.  The negative result didn’t diminish my hope for this cycle in any way.  Sure, it took a couple of minutes to clear my head and shake off the disappointment, but the disappointment left a lot faster than I anticipated.  I’m looking forward to everything I have to do today and, now that the testing is done, I’m done with it….which brings me to Part 2 of the Experiment….

PART Two of the Plan- Test Every Single Morning and Blog About the Results, Then Move On With My Day

I think it is better to get this stuff out of the way first thing in the morning, each morning, from now through Thursday, so that I am not spending my entire day at work wondering what the test might have said if I had taken it that morning.  Plus, blogging helps me work through my feelings about things.  By adding a schedule component – POAS, blog about it, move along -  I will get the knowledge I need and feel like I’ve already shared my feelings about the results with trusted friends.  Hopefully that will help me to set negative results aside until the next morning, when we all engage in my experiment together again.  That’s the plan, at least.  And, when the test starts showing up positive, we can all decide together how I am going to fit my announcement plans around whatever day it happens on…or if I need to wait for a darker line before getting The Prince involved, etc.  As a “reward” for your participation in my experiment, you will get the joy of looking at the horrible, blurry pictures of sticks I have peed on each morning (just like Oprah’s favorite things, right?).

As with any experiment, this one might fall apart at any time…and, as per usual…I will absolutely blame the progesterone, rather than my mental stability (or lack thereof) if that happens.  But I think this is a good plan.

Alright…well I’m off to acupuncture and lunch with a fertility friend.  Thanks to all of you again for helping me through the madness that is the two week wait.     



This Is A Test...It Is Only A Test...

(FAIR WARNING:  Your Input Will Be Requested At The End Of This Post)

To test or not to test, that is the question.  That is always the question during the two week wait.

Today is 8 dpo (8 days post-ovulation).  As I’m sure we all know, days 6-10 after ovulation are the implantation days.  Then, Hcg gets released and, at a certain level, the HPT (home pregnancy test), a.k.a. POAS (pee on a stick), can pick-up the pregnancy. 

Mother’s Day is falling on my 10 dpo or, in HPT language, four days before the expected start date of my next period.  If your ears perk up like mine do whenever a pregnancy test commercial comes on TV, you know that most tests "can detect pregnancy up to 4 days before the first day of your missed period."  Specifically, according to the charts made by the HPT manufacturers, if I test on Mother’s Day and I AM pregnant, I have a 57% chance of the test showing a positive.

Of course, I have exhaustively searched online and found many stories of women who got their BFP’s (big fat positives) 5 days after a day 5 transfer (10 dpo).  I have also read a lot of stories of women who got negatives at 10 dpo and then BFP’s at 12 dpo.  And, of course, there are many women in the “wait until the beta test” camp.  Those women listen to their doctors and spare themselves the agony of deciding when to POAS, by choosing not to POAS at all.  I envy you women…but I will never be one of you.  Even if I were to wait for the beta test, I would agonize…oh how I would agonize!

So, the question for me, I guess, is not even really “to test or not to test.”  Rather, the question is- “to test on Mother’s Day or to wait until later.”  But the latter doesn’t really have the same ring to it.

Quick update for those of you who are new to this blog, my announcement to The Prince has been in the works for some time.  He is a Jersey Shore fan (I don’t know how that happened to a chemistry professor), and is particularly fond of walking around and saying “We have a Situation,” while pointing at his non-existent six pack.  So…I have a maternity shirt that says “The Situation” on the belly.  The plan is to yell out from the bathroom “Uh oh, Honey!  We’ve got a situation!”  He will come to the door, likely thinking that the shower broke, light fell out of the ceiling, etc.  I will then walk out in my “Situation” t-shirt, holding the positive pregnancy test and announce "the situation."  TA DA!!!!  This announcement scenario is admittedly corny, but non-negotiable.  I’ve waited three years for this moment, and like any good director, I feel I've perfected the announcement to match our quirky senses of humor.  So, although I adore you all, please don't trash my announcement plan because it isn't changing. 

Now that everyone is up to speed, you should know that The Prince and I have EXTREMELY tight schedules, and that is complicating my testing scenarios.  The Prince is working at his parent’s restaurant on Saturday and on Sunday, during the day.  We both will work during the day Monday through Friday, at our regular jobs.  On Monday, that's it...when we get home, we're home.  But on Tuesday through Thursday, The Prince works a second job, so on those days we will be home together from 4:30 - 5:00, and then The Prince won't be home again until 8:00 p.m.  Also, I am having dinner ou with friends on Tuesday night and won't be back until very late. 

So, based on the schedules, I believe I have worked out all of the possible testing scenarios, and they are as follows:

1)      Test on Sunday morning, find out I’m pregnant, make the announcement to the Prince on Sunday evening, when he gets home, for the best Mother’s Day ever!

2)      Test on Sunday morning, get a negative, work at convincing myself that I am in the 43% of pregnant women who wouldn’t test positive that early, and don’t mention any of it to The Prince who, at least, won’t be home most of the day.

3)      Test on Monday morning, find out I’m pregnant, sit with that knowledge the whole damn day at work…and announce the news to The Prince when I get home.

4)      Test on Monday morning, get a negative, and try not to fall apart at work that day.

5)      Test on Wednesday and…(see #’s 3 and 4 above)

6)      Wait until Thursday morning’s beta test, get the results at work, then don’t answer the phone when The Prince calls for the results, so I can rush home and make my announcement in between his two jobs.  (Unfortunately, The Prince has gone through IVF cycles with me enough times to know when my beta’s get scheduled and I’ve lied to him about when the blood test was in the past, to give myself time to process the news before facing him, so I can’t just lie and say it is on Friday in order to surprise him on Thursday.  He’s too crafty for that.).

I think it is likely clear which choice I like the best, but I am putting it out there for “my people” to weigh-in on.  I’m not promising anything (and if I don't follow advice I'm totally blaming it on the hormones), but bring on the comments and advice, being kind to my fragile ego and cognizant of my need for this to be a big deal.  I’m dying to know what other people have to say about all of this…and I know there are lots of other Type A’s out there reading this.  So please don’t be shy about letting me know if I missed a fabulous timing/testing/announcing scenario.  Can't wait to hear your opinions!