The 100th Post!!!!

When I started this blog, I was in a place of desperation.  I felt sad and conflicted about our use of an egg donor.  I was teetering on despair and hadn’t felt hopeful for a long time.  I decided to start blogging because I felt like my head would likely explode, and my chest would implode, if I didn’t get my thoughts and feelings onto paper.  I never expected to tell anyone I knew about my blog and I never expected people to actually read it.  I just needed a sounding board.  I was fully embracing the shame and self-loathing that comes with IF…in fact, I was drowning in it, and I didn’t trust my own inner dialogue to guide me in the right direction any more. 

You hear stories in the news about strangers committing random acts of kindness, and the impact it makes on the lives that they touch and the world in general.  I want every one of you to know that every comment you’ve ever posted on this blog was one of those amazing random acts of kindness.  Although I have shared my blog with some of my in-person fertility friends, the vast majority of you have never met me, don’t know who I am and likely never will.  And yet, you’ve shared your hearts with me.  You’ve had opportunities to kick me while I’m down or to affirm my fears and doubts, but you never have.  This blog started out being about me, but I feel like it has become more about all of you…and our friendships…because I truly consider each of you my friend.  And every day, when I write, I feel like I’m writing to my friends…like I’m sharing myself…not just analyzing myself.

It is strange looking at how much has changed in five months.  The last five months, since the date I began my blog, have passed in slow motion.  I think, in the IF journey, time does run thick like molasses.  But if I look at my old posts, I realize that a lot…I mean A LOT…has happened during those five months.  And when I look at what has happened in terms of my personal growth since January, I have to say that five months doesn’t seem like such a long time to have packed in so many blessings.    

Speaking of blessings, today we got our second blood test results.  Our level was 715.  We had been expecting around 300, or maybe 500.  The average HcG level for a healthy singleton pregnancy at 18dpo is around 303 – 522.  The average HcG level for a healthy twin pregnancy at this point is 499 – 963.  So, although our HcG level is a bit high, I personally still feel like we have one Baby Hamish cookin’ in the oven.  The nurse I spoke with this afternoon also said that people rarely fall within the averages and you can't really know anything until an ultrasound confirms it.  But The Prince has jumped the gun on his twins fears...and he is beside himself.  His first words when I told him the level was, “I hope you like our house, because if we have twins, we’re going to be stuck in it for the rest of our lives.”  Poor Prince.  I suggested that he give himself one month to be happy about the pregnancy no matter if we have one little Hamish or two little Hamish (or would it be “Hamishes”.  Perhaps “Hami” is the plural?).  There will be lots of time for him to freak out over finances and plan for the future.  He’s trying but I think his hair has turned at least 50% gray since last week. 

There are a number of possible alternate endings for this fairy tale, some happy, some not so happy and some "happy with terms and conditions."  But no matter what, looking back on this blog, I am immensely satisfied with this leg of the journey and how my story unfolded over the last five months.  Five months ago, I didn't truly believe I could get pregnant.  Now, my dream has come true.  Whether this ends up being “happily ever after” or just the beginning of another volume of our IF story, I feel so blessed and so thankful to have this blog, to have my first BFP and to have all of you sharing this journey.  Happy 100^th Post Day (Oh yeah…it deserves it’s own day of celebration...as do each of you)!   

So Here's the Mother's Day Situation...



I know that this is Mother’s Day (or at least American Mother’s Day) and that today is one of the suckiest days of the entire year for a lot of women dealing with infertility.  I don’t want to make anyone’s day any worse, and I’ve really struggled about whether I should save this post for tomorrow to avoid the possibility of hurting anyone.  But in the end, my selfish needs have to come first on this blog.  So if you are getting the feeling that this post might make your day worse, I won’t be upset if you stop reading and I hope that today is gentle on you.

For three years, I’ve waited to be pregnant…even a little bit pregnant.  I have never had the joy of getting a positive pregnancy test…not even a chemical pregnancy…nothing.  So, imagine my joy when on Day 2 of “my experiment”…on Mother’s Day…I FINALLY GOT MY POSITIVE!!!



In all fairness, it isn’t yet a “strong” positive (I don't know that it has yet risen to the level of "BFP," perhaps just "P"), so I’ve given you a comparison picture between yesterday’s late morning test (top) and this morning’s test (bottom)…in case the second line was hard for you to see in the first picture.  After 23 pictures of these pregnancy tests, and about 100 examinations, I can assure you, there is a “positive” line and my mind is not playing tricks on me.  (I just checked again…just to make sure).  I’ve even tried the different light sources and there is no light in which I don’t see the line, faint as it may be.

After I got the positive (while The Prince was still sleeping), I put on my “Situation” t-shirt, brushed my teeth, did my hair, and decided to wait for him to wake-up on his own.  But then…before he could wake-up…the t-shirt came off and I jumped back into bed.  I’m not ready to tell him.  I’m shaking and excited and am not sure what will come out of my mouth when I open it, but I don’t WANT to tell him right now.  I know that if I tell him this morning, he will still have to leave to spend the entire day at his parents’ restaurant.  I know it will be almost impossible for him not to tell them if he is there alone with them (I am the self-restraint in the relationship, if you can believe that), and I will be really hurt and upset if he tells them before we get to the first ultrasound.  That was our deal…if we make it to a heartbeat, we get to make the announcement (or should I say…I get to make the announcement for us).  Plus, I’m not delusional.  I know that I am only a teensy bit pregnant, and I can’t “take it to the bank” just yet.  I don’t want to have to “un-announce” a pregnancy days after we (The Prince) announced it.

So, until The Prince gets home tonight, I will keep the t-shirt locked away.  I will swallow the huge, excited lump in my throat, and I will wait…wait until he comes home and has a chance to relax.  I will wait until we can really enjoy the news together…on Mother’s Day…because after three years on this horrible quest, we deserve a little happiness together.