The Honeymoon Is Over

What a difference a good night’s sleep makes.  Yesterday, I was in rough shape.  The multiple nights in a row of only a couple of hours of sleep had taken its toll physically and emotionally.  Then, last night, something amazing happened.  I slept…the WHOLE night.  And when I woke up this morning, I felt wonderful.  The thoughts that have been triggering my anxiety lately were still there, but I was able to let them go quickly.  I smiled and joked with my husband this morning, instead of scuffling around him in zombie-mode like I have been the last few mornings.  I sang with the radio on my way into work.  It was lovely (not my singing…but the happy commute).

And then I went to a doctor’s appointment.  When the fertility center did my second beta test, on Monday, they called and let me know that I needed to start thyroid medication because my tests showed that my thyroid was underactive.  The only problem is, I’m already on thyroid medication for hypothyroidism and I have been for over 10 years.  Apparently, even being a little bit pregnant can make your thyroid go crazy, so I had to set up another round of blood work and an appointment with my primary care doctor to follow-up on the thyroid issue.  Yesterday, the lab drew blood to test my cholesterol, blood sugar, insulin level (gestational diabetes and Type 2 diabetes runs in my family, so we test my thyroid and insulin each month), and thyroid function.  Today, when I saw my doctor, she actually hugged me and squealed a little because she was so happy that I am finally pregnant.  But then, she looked at her computer and the mood turned somber.

One of my two thyroid tests shows that my level is three times what it should be (indicating a severely underactive thyroid) while the other thyroid test came back completely normal.  Both tests were normal last month, at my check-up.  Also, my insulin level is already just over the normal range and my blood sugar came back very low.  Usually, high insulin means high blood sugar, so my lab result is a bit contradictory and is completely different from last month’s lab work.  On the bright side, my cholesterol is good even though my weight is not.  Ultimately, the doctor said that, because I am pregnant, she isn’t comfortable interpreting these results and I need to start seeing an endocrinologist.  I also need to pay attention to what, how much and how often I am eating because I am not consistently getting enough nutrients if my blood sugar is so low.  The doctor recommended that I start journaling what I eat and then check where my calories are coming from so I can make healthier choices.  

I knew this was coming.  I’m starting a pregnancy obese, with a family history of gestational diabetes.  Of course I was going to have to start policing my food better and making healthier choices.  But I just thought I would get a slightly longer honeymoon period…maybe one month when I could eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, 100% guilt-free, because I’m pregnant.  Apparently, the honeymoon is already over and although it pains me to do so, I will be doing a thorough cupboard and refrigerator cleaning very soon…ditching many of the “vice” foods I bought to “celebrate” being pregnant.

Now I need to decide how much I want to tell The Prince.  He is all into body building and drinking protein shakes, etc.  He is REALLY good about being self-controlled with his nutrition and he is REALLY good about being an inspector of anything I put in my mouth, if he has a reason to be.  I don’t tell him when I’m dieting anymore because I want to jam my doughnut right in his face when he says “Are you supposed to be having that?”  Guilt is not helpful to me when I’m struggling to do what I need to do.  I’ve tried to explain to him that I need support, not a food policeman.  But he is who he is, and he can’t change his response to my behavior anymore than I can change my behavior.

So…do I tell him?  The stakes are higher this time, so maybe I need the accountability in all its ugliness.  On the other hand, if I feel guilty, I will be miserable and might overeat in response.  I feel like I should tell him because he can be helpful about eliminating the foods we shouldn’t have in the house (getting rid of temptation) and because, God forbid I have a hypoglycemic attack, he should know what is going on.  But I feel like I shouldn’t tell him because he is going to worry about the situation and might blame me if something goes wrong with the pregnancy.  What would you do???



The 100th Post!!!!

When I started this blog, I was in a place of desperation.  I felt sad and conflicted about our use of an egg donor.  I was teetering on despair and hadn’t felt hopeful for a long time.  I decided to start blogging because I felt like my head would likely explode, and my chest would implode, if I didn’t get my thoughts and feelings onto paper.  I never expected to tell anyone I knew about my blog and I never expected people to actually read it.  I just needed a sounding board.  I was fully embracing the shame and self-loathing that comes with IF…in fact, I was drowning in it, and I didn’t trust my own inner dialogue to guide me in the right direction any more. 

You hear stories in the news about strangers committing random acts of kindness, and the impact it makes on the lives that they touch and the world in general.  I want every one of you to know that every comment you’ve ever posted on this blog was one of those amazing random acts of kindness.  Although I have shared my blog with some of my in-person fertility friends, the vast majority of you have never met me, don’t know who I am and likely never will.  And yet, you’ve shared your hearts with me.  You’ve had opportunities to kick me while I’m down or to affirm my fears and doubts, but you never have.  This blog started out being about me, but I feel like it has become more about all of you…and our friendships…because I truly consider each of you my friend.  And every day, when I write, I feel like I’m writing to my friends…like I’m sharing myself…not just analyzing myself.

It is strange looking at how much has changed in five months.  The last five months, since the date I began my blog, have passed in slow motion.  I think, in the IF journey, time does run thick like molasses.  But if I look at my old posts, I realize that a lot…I mean A LOT…has happened during those five months.  And when I look at what has happened in terms of my personal growth since January, I have to say that five months doesn’t seem like such a long time to have packed in so many blessings.    

Speaking of blessings, today we got our second blood test results.  Our level was 715.  We had been expecting around 300, or maybe 500.  The average HcG level for a healthy singleton pregnancy at 18dpo is around 303 – 522.  The average HcG level for a healthy twin pregnancy at this point is 499 – 963.  So, although our HcG level is a bit high, I personally still feel like we have one Baby Hamish cookin’ in the oven.  The nurse I spoke with this afternoon also said that people rarely fall within the averages and you can't really know anything until an ultrasound confirms it.  But The Prince has jumped the gun on his twins fears...and he is beside himself.  His first words when I told him the level was, “I hope you like our house, because if we have twins, we’re going to be stuck in it for the rest of our lives.”  Poor Prince.  I suggested that he give himself one month to be happy about the pregnancy no matter if we have one little Hamish or two little Hamish (or would it be “Hamishes”.  Perhaps “Hami” is the plural?).  There will be lots of time for him to freak out over finances and plan for the future.  He’s trying but I think his hair has turned at least 50% gray since last week. 

There are a number of possible alternate endings for this fairy tale, some happy, some not so happy and some "happy with terms and conditions."  But no matter what, looking back on this blog, I am immensely satisfied with this leg of the journey and how my story unfolded over the last five months.  Five months ago, I didn't truly believe I could get pregnant.  Now, my dream has come true.  Whether this ends up being “happily ever after” or just the beginning of another volume of our IF story, I feel so blessed and so thankful to have this blog, to have my first BFP and to have all of you sharing this journey.  Happy 100^th Post Day (Oh yeah…it deserves it’s own day of celebration...as do each of you)!