Monday, May 30, 2011

Still Dealing With Infertility

A fertility friend who is still waiting for her happily ever after wrote to me on Friday, after reading my post about my loss.  She informed me that the title to my blog was misleading and potentially hurtful to others.  People may read my blog title that says I am waiting for a positive pregnancy test and read my blog only to be unpleasantly surprised that I've already gotten a positive pregnancy test.  It was strongly recommended that I fix the title.  Here's the problem with that (Okay, I actually have multiple problems with that).  First, on the day that I find out I lost a twin, I don't need to be told that I am hurting others struggling with infertility, nor is it reasonable to think that I am concerned with updating my blog at that particular time.  I know I probably sound like a real witch right now, but I just think that a fellow infertility survivor should have been able to be more compassionate and thoughtful about the timing of those comments. 

But the bigger problem with the title issue is that I don't know where I stand yet...so I can't change my title right now.  It is true that I am not waiting for my first positive pregnancy test anymore, but I am still feeling very much infertile, and my faith in this pregnancy has been shaken to the point that I'm not ready to modify anything.  I hope that doesn't cause other people pain or mislead them, but this blog is mine and I need to follow my heart.  Right now, my heart is fighting with my head and they are both too confused to make any decisions.  So for now, my blog isn't getting updated.  Hopefully soon I will figure some stuff out and will update who I'm following, what my totle portrays and my "about me" section.  But for now, I'm lost, so I ask for everyone's patience.

As most of you know, I've been struggling since I got pregnant to figure out my identity. Well, in the last three days it has become clear to me...I'm still struggling with infertility.  I've played over the words the nurse said on Friday a million times in my head...trying to decide if I put a more negative spin on it than I should have.  I've reviewed (once with a magnifying glass) the ultrasound pictures of the sac that we didn't see a baby in last week...trying to determine whether the sac got smaller or the perspective was different.  I've imagined that I can see a small dot in the sac and that it is a baby.  I've cried and cried over the loss of the twin, and then I've convinced myself that the ultrasound was a fluke...that it just didn't pick-up the baby, but the baby is still there.  My heart keeps telling me that the twin isn't gone, that it is fighting and needs me to believe in it.  At the same time, my head is telling me to accept what I know. 

These feelings are all far too familiar to me.  I'm doing the same thing I would do during each of our IVF cycles.  The evidence would be there, that the cycle was getting cancelled or that we didn't have enough mature eggs to make it to transfer.  And yet, my heart would tell me to keep hoping.  I would believe that things were going to be okay even though I knew they wouldn't.  Believing and knowing are two different things...and every woman I know who has struggled with infertility is acutely aware of that difference.  I feel myself spreading out the pain of a loss that same way I would do after a transfer...peeing on a stick each day, mourning each negative HPT, so that the negative beta test didn't sting as much.  I'm realistic about what is going to happen at our next ultrasound, and yet, I still have the infertility mentality - my heart won't let go of the hope that both twins are still there.  Maybe this is the mentality of everyone who has to grieve, maybe it is not exclusive to infertiles.  But I feel like I own the duality, and I never experienced it until my infertility journey.

I apologize that my posts don't seem to have much of a point right now.  I apologize that I am accepting everyone's support but not doing much commenting right now.  I promise to catch up on all of the blogs I follow and to update my blog as soon as I can.  I want to thank everyone who has been supportive.  Some of you have shared your experiences with me and I can't tell you how helpful that insight is.  I wish I was being a better blogger and a better friend right now.  All I can do is promise that I will be better someday soon.  I've become an expert griever over the last three years...I'll move on from this.  Until then, thank you again for your patience.

10 comments:

Endo_Life said...

I wish I had something to say that could help in some way. The only thing I can offer is that your blog is just that yours! It is unfortunate if someone comes across your blog and is upset by what they read but they do not have to continue reading. You need to do what is right for you. (((((hugs)))))

Krystyn said...

I think that the title of your blog is absolutely perfect…it is you. It is the name of your story. Just because you have gotten your positive test doesn’t mean that your story is over. It is like any good book where the title usually makes reference to the climax of the story which is generally found in the middle of the book, not the end. In my eyes your story doesn’t end or you don’t start a new story, your current story just continues.

I can also relate to your struggle that you are having with your identity. Remember back to the time that you and I sat in COH and we referenced ourselves as the “veterans” of the group. That title felt awkward for a while, but eventually it took on a new meaning for us and we wore it somewhat proudly. We were the ones that could offer “expert” support to the new members of the group. Yes, it had a negative aspect to it, but there was also some good that came out of it too. Being infertile is an exclusive membership, one that we never wanted in the first place but what I have come to realize is that whether we continue on with fertility treatments or finally get our happily ever after, the membership to this club never expires. Just as our identity as a child, good or bad, will always be a part of us, so will this. Being a person that is still waiting for my happily ever after but has been on the other side numerous times as well, I can say that this identity stuff does get a little easier. Will I still feel a bit out of place when it happens again? Absolutely! It’s an unfamiliar chapter, one that we have not read before so it is all a bit scary. Just remember, once we get through that chapter it is no longer unfamiliar, it is now a part of the overall story.

Sushigirl said...

Here from the Stirrup Queens blog. On the whole changing your blog name thing, I just want to say... forchrissake, what's wrong with people?

There are loads of blogs where the writer gets pregnant and their name stays the same! It's not like your blog is called iamchildlessforever.blogspot.com. And if upsets people they don't have to read!

More importantly, I am really sorry about the twin you lost and I hope things are uneventful and relaxing from now on.

Anonymous said...

What a joke that one of your friends would actually say that..

Its your blog, you can do whatever you want...

I have 2 posts to share with you;

http://pufferandthebabyfish.blogspot.com/2009/06/two-becomes-one-meet-chicklet.html

http://pufferandthebabyfish.blogspot.com/2009/07/um-chicklet-meet-shadow-boxer.html

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you. You need to follow your heart and you know what is best for you. Infertility is a journey. This is a rest area on the trip of many road bumps and detours. I completely understand your conflicting emotions of the heart and head. I dealt with infertility for over five long years. I am praying for you and your little miracle (s). Can't wait to hear about your next ultrasound. When do you go in again? Stay strong and keep your chin up.
Lynn

COME ON BABY said...

Honey your blog is perfect. What you say is HONEST and I enjoy reading every lovely word you say. You speak from the heart. DO NOT CHANGE A THING. Hugs to you. xoxoxoxo

justine said...

I am sorry to hear your news ... but I also wanted to tell you that the wonderful thing I've found in this community is supportive people who are there no matter *what* happens to us. So boo to the people who took offense at your name. I, for one, still feel like I'm an infertile even though I have two healthy living children ... after repeated pregnancy loss, it's hard to trust your body. And that loss stays with you forever, changes the way you parent, changes the way you look at children. It's a strange place to be, in the middle, but it's also a blessing. *hugs* to you ... hang in there, and best wishes for this leg of the journey.

China Doll said...

What a friend!! And to say that a new reader would be 'unpleasantly surprised' to find out you are pregnant... of course, we all struggle with hearing of other's pregnancies but surely, deep down, we are happy to see that ART can and do work.
The infertility journey definitely doesn't end at that BFP.. I am thinking of you through this so difficult time xx

Lindsey said...

What a bitch! That would have been a rediculous thing to say when you were having a great day, but on that day it was beyond uncalled for! I think your blog name will continue to be perfect even if this turns into a multiple success story blog. We are the sum if our past experiences and you will always be the princess and the pee stick to me! You'll always be an infertile myrtle like the rest of us so F her. Ps I hope she's reading this.

New Year Mum said...

I'm so sorry that someone said that to you... especially on such a difficult day. My heart goes out to you with what you're going through and you have every right to do what you want with your blog when you want. The whole IF and pregnancy loss, plus newly pregnant after IF, community really needs to stick together... and your story of having become pregnant would not be hurtful to anyone but an inspiration to others that it's possible to get through IF. Pregnancy loss at any stage is so hard and truly heartbreaking... I'm thinking of you so much at the moment and sending you a big hug xoxo