Saturday, May 14, 2011

Mending and Moving On...



This morning, The Prince and I had marriage counseling, and the counselor  (and I) acknowledged that there has been a drastic shift in attitude and effort by The Prince, since we started 7 months ago.  We have truly become a team and, although there are still some communication issues to work out, we have a game plan for that.  The counselor noted that we are calmer together and seem to be caring more about the other person’s needs than our own (agreed…most of the time).  Our next counseling session will likely be our last…and I am hopeful that we are going to be one of those couples who come through IF feeling like we’ve gained more than we’ve lost.  Our relationship has certainly changed, and I’ve had to mourn the loss of some of the things that IF has taken away from our marriage, while simultaneously learning to find and appreciate the gifts this experience has given us.  If nothing else, I know that, should the road get rocky again, we have a safety net…we know marriage counseling is an option for us and that it has helped us as a couple.  So, hopefully, we will know to come back to it, if it looks like we are ever heading into stormy waters again, before we get to the point of our boat capsizing.

One of the issues we discussed at counseling today was my concern that The Prince hasn’t told anyone about our positive pregnancy test.  I completely understand why we are waiting to tell most everyone, but it worries me that he hasn’t told ANYONE…not even one best friend.  The Prince explained that he has heard me talk about so many of my friend’s losses and about all of the things that can go wrong, and how devastating losses are, he can’t bring himself to get excited until he sees a heartbeat on an ultrasound.  I explained that my fear is, if something were to go south this time around (not saying it will…just a hypothetical “if”), The Prince will have no one to provide him with emotional support…and that’s why he needs to tell someone sooner rather than later.  I know I won’t be able to be supportive…and I think he is kidding himself if he thinks he won’t need any support to get through that disappointment.  I asked The Prince, in counseling, to tell me who he would turn to for support if we had a miscarriage, and suggested that he choose that person to tell the news to now.  He said he would want to turn to his mother, but he knows we agreed to wait to tell the families until after we see a heartbeat…so he guesses he wouldn’t turn to anyone for support.  It broke my heart to hear him say that.  He cares so much about sticking to “our” plan, that he is knowingly leaving himself with no safety net if things don’t work out.

So, I decided to change our plan…and The Prince is relieved.  He said that if we hadn’t moved up the “tell his Mom” date, he was afraid it would have accidentally slipped out anyways.  We are telling his family next weekend, as that was the first time we could get together with everyone, and we agreed we didn’t want to tell anyone over the phone.  Next weekend will get us past the first ultrasound, which won’t show much, but is a good milestone to point to as “officially, officially pregnant.”  We’ll go to his parents’ restaurant next Saturday night, where his mother, father and sister all work…and we’ll make our announcement.  I was worried about telling his family before his sister’s baby shower…which is 2 weekends from now…as I don’t want to seem like we are trying to steal anything away from her on her special day.  But I think that, in the long run, it may be better for his family to get this done before the shower, because I know The Prince’s sister and mother have been worried about how the baby shower is going to effect me emotionally, and this will put their minds at ease.  At least, that’s how The Prince and I are rationalizing telling them before the baby shower.  We still will not be telling my family for a long time, and we will let his family know that they are the only ones who are being told because we don’t want to have to “untell” other people in a worst case scenario.  (Tomorrow I’m going to write about my announcement ideas and take an opinion poll.  I’ve had three years to think of ideas, and now that the Big Announce is almost here, I am finding it difficult to make a decision about which idea is the best.)

Ultimately, this week has been a week full of firsts – first HPT, first positive beta, first non-sucky Mother’s Day during IF journey, first time leaving marriage counseling feeling like what was broke is not only fixed…but is better than it used to be.  And while I am sad to see this week end, I’m looking forward to next week, which will be a week full of “seconds” – second beta test, second intralipid infusion, and second major pregnancy announcement.  Thank you so much to everyone who is still taking this journey with me. 




6 comments:

aliciamarie911 said...

I know I've said this before, but I am so happy for you two. I'm glad that communication between you and your hubs is getting better. I can't wait to hear how your husbands family reacts to the big news!

Christina said...

Communication is key in apparently everything! I'm glad ya'll have reached such a point at such a great time.

I think you changing plans to give the Prince his option for support is truly touching and shows just how far ya'll have come!

amiracle4us said...

I thinking telling his family in order to provide some support (if needed) is a great idea. It is amazing the amount of emotion guys can keep under lock and key. Sometimes I wish I could tuck it away as well.
IF counciling has been wonderful for C and I as well. I am not the best at expressing my feelings and neither is he, so it helps us communicate a little better. I always wondered when we would stop going and a pregnancy would likely be the time for us as well considering that is our 'issue'.
I am very happy for you and wish you a great round of 'seconds' this week!

China Doll said...

This made me think about whether my Bloke should tell anyone... he said he doesn't want to yet, which I've been OK with. But your post has got me thinking... I think it unlikely my Bloke would discuss any bad news with anyone apart from me, so maybe that's why he isn't keen to tell anyone else..
Anyway, I think it's the right decision to tell Prince's family before the baby shower.. then you don't have to cope with all the worried, sideways glances you'd be getting otherwise xx

Sandy said...

I'm hoping you have a wonderful second week!

Lindsey said...

What a wonderful week! I'm so happy for you two that you've been able to survive this hellacious journey and come out of it stronger! Your story gives me a lot of hope and I want you to know I'll be clinging to it for the next few weeks...