Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Cloud Nine Just Got Stormy

Today has been really emotionally rough on me…and for some reason…that has come as a surprise.  I guess that I just felt like the oddles of good news we’ve been getting and the wave of positivity I’ve been riding would only get better once we had two little blasts tucked safely inside my uterus.  But that hasn’t been the case.

Maybe it is because I am stuck alone, 2 ½ hours from my home, husband and dogs, with only the room service attendants and my thoughts to keep me company.  Maybe it is the damn progesterone and estrogen supplements.  Maybe it is sheer boredom.  Or maybe, these awful thoughts I am about to share is just a dose of reality coming and slapping me square across the face.

Today I realized that it is now up to me…up to my body…to take this cycle the rest of the way…to pregnancy.  Up to this point, things have been going so well for us but I forgot that I hadn’t been contributing to any of that.  I felt so connected to the embies and so excited, I forgot that maybe things have gone well so far because I had nothing to do with the egg production, or the fertilization, or the quality of the embryos.  Now my broken body is getting involved again.  What if everyone else (The Prince, the donor, the embryologist) all did such an amazing job, and my body is going to screw it up for us, again?  I hate feeling this way.  I hate these thoughts.  But the reality is that the only things that were different this time around were: (1) the retrieval, fertilization, embryo outcome being awesome; and (2) me not being a factor in any of it.  How could I have missed that these last couple of weeks?  I guess I was so busy walking on clouds or biting my nails in anticipation, I ignored the obvious.

Out of the remaining 10 blasts from yesterday, 8 of them made it through the night and were frozen today.  I should be able to take comfort in that.  As The Prince has said, if it doesn’t work this time we get lots more tries…something we never dreamed we would have.  But I am not taking comfort in it.  I am feeling cramps and aching in my uterus, which is not normal for me after a retrieval…and I’m essentially on self-imposed modified bed rest, so I can’t even blame the sensations on “over doing it.”  I want to be Postive Polly again.  I want to think that these sensations are new and different because the embryos are starting to implant.  But I can’t.  Instead, I feel like something is wrong and it is wrong with me and my body.  And if this cycle doesn’t work, there will be no way to deny that it’s my fault we aren’t pregnant.  I don’t know how I would pick myself up from that.  I don’t know why my bubble has burst.  I feel like I don’t know anything right now except that I want to turn back the clock to yesterday and feel good again. 

7 comments:

My New Normal said...

I think that you're just cooped up and your mind is wandering off to a bad place. Maybe you need to get that doctor to come around and do another hand circle!! : )


I am sending you positive thoughts all the way from London. I hope they get to you soon.

S said...

OK, deep breaths. You are isolated from your usual comfort zone--albeit in a nice, comfortable environment--so I think it's natural that your thoughts might turn to worst-case-scenario "what ifs."

After all you have been through, with years of endo and failed ART, I would be surprised if you didn't feel like your body is "broken" on some level. BUT just because this is a logical conclusion for you to draw based on your past experiences doesn't mean it's true.

I am actually encouraged by the fact that you are feeling different physically than you have with your other procedures. That may, in fact, be a good sign. And goodness knows, I have read enough IF blogs and forums over the past 2+ years to know that it's just impossible to tell this early whether a cycle will succeed or failure.

Be kind to yourself. I am thinking good thoughts for you.

Ants said...

I'm sorry you're having a rough time love, I too was determined to be positive in my 2ww- but the first 2-3 days were the worst. My mum gave a me a piece of advice, which was to stop actually worrying about worrying, and just accept that it was a natural reaction to have, and to go with it. I think sometimes we have to entertain the worst case scenario thoughts, before we can start to look at the positives....and there are so many positives going for you right now! I know when the cramping is actually happening to you it's alarming...but it is good!And I agree with 'S', the fact that it's feeling quite different IS encouraging.
Hang in there honey, thinking of you and cheering you on, take care of yourself...xoxo

New Year Mum said...

Don't be hard on yourself... all those hormones and being on your own can make anyone's mind wander to less than positive places. Your body is up to it and plenty of women (me included) can one day go through an entirely normal pregnancy then break down... and I've heard plenty of stories vice versa - ending in a gorgeous baby after plenty of unexplained failed cycles. Our bodies just have a mind of their own and yours is just the same as all of ours... wanting a baby soooo much. Keep hope up and look after yourself. Sending you lots of sticky vibes xoxo

amiracle4us said...

The feeling is going around. I had a mini-break down on C today about my failing body.
No matter what someone says and how many times they say, I haven't failed and it's not my fault, I feel (know) it is.
I am praying they are implantation cramps (which is VERY likely) and that you will have your baby soon :)

China Doll said...

Hi there... really feeling for you today being away from home and distractions. I'm also on my own mostly as my Bloke is in Korea.. add my own self-imposed 'sofa-rest' and it's a recipe for mind-wandering and negative thoughts! It's natural to worry - it would be amazing if you weren't worried at all. But that doesn't mean it won't happen for you this time :)
Sending you much love and hugs xx

Kristen said...

I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now. I think one of the hardest things about the 2WW is so much time for your mind to go to the dark place. If this doesn't work it is soooooo not your fault, please try not to put that sort of pressure on yourself. So glad you have frozen embies for the future.
Hugs to you...