Monday, May 23, 2011

Uniquely Unqualified

I know I have not been leaving very many comments on other people’s blogs lately.  It isn’t because I’ve been too busy to read your posts.  My most recent wave of insomnia has allowed me to keep pretty up-to-date with my blog reading.  It also isn’t because I don’t care about what people are going through.  I still care deeply for each of the people who write the blogs I follow.

The reason that I have not been commenting is because I am in a strange place right now…a place where I feel uniquely unqualified to do anything…especially comment on other people’s situations.  I feel like a walking oxymoron – a pregnant infertile.  And that title is making me uncomfortable.  I don’t know that I still have the right to be giving advice or telling people to “hang in there because it will get better.”  Every time I even think those “comments,” a little voice inside of me says: “That’s easy for you to say, Princess.  You are pregnant.  No one wants to hear your two cents.  You aren’t in the trenches anymore.”  And even if I could quiet that mean little voice long enough to hit “send,” I find that frequently I can’t even think of anything intelligent and helpful to say.  I can offer support, but do people still want my support?

I remember that one of the blogs I read when I got started with blogging, in January, took a dramatic turn after only a couple of weeks, when the author got pregnant with twins.  I followed the blog for a few weeks after the pregnancy announcement, but then I had to stop because I felt like what she was writing about was no longer relevant to my situation.  Now I’m that person.  I’m becoming irrelevant to the situation that most of my blog buddies are in.  I haven’t changed the title of my blog yet, even though “the quest for the ever elusive positive pregnancy test” is now over.  I simply don’t know what to do with this blog.  I don’t know what it is supposed to become.

Do I tackle infertility issues based on my past experiences and make it a more “informational” type blog?  Do I continue to discuss my everyday experiences during the pregnancy, even though I am consciously trying to shift my focus to positive thoughts about the pregnancy, instead of the pain and grief of the three years it took to get here?  Is there a way to create a happy medium?  Can a pregnant infertile write an infertility blog? 

I used to see myself as this wise (I know…and apparently pretentious) self-made expert on infertility.  I felt confident giving advice, pointing people towards sources of information and pouring out the support that we all need and want.  But I don’t feel confident about anything anymore.  My self-given label is changing, my perspective is changing and I am feeling really irrelevant.  What does a fairy tale princess do when she’s ended one tale but hasn’t yet fully embraced the next one?  Can she exist in both simultaneously?  Do we care what happened to her in the first tale if we're reading her second tale?  I don't even feel qualified to answer my own questions right now, but they still need to be asked.


S said...

In over two years of blogging in this community (and even longer as a lurker), I've seen a lot of women go through these feelings. You're in the "in between." Not a "normal" pregnant lady, not infertile (at least not in the sense of being "unable to achieve pregnancy").

I don't know what the answer is. It seems that some bloggers write about their pregnancies (with disclaimers, in case their readers aren't in a place where they want to read about that), some blog only sporadically when emotions about infertility crop up, and some abandon their blogs altogether.

Whatever you decide to to do with this space, I for one would like to continue to follow your story to its happy ending. ;-)

Krystyn said...

I often ask myself the same questions. Yes, I provide information for those that are going through "the Journey" but I feel that people keep coming back because they care about what happens, and those who don't, don't. Personally, I am looking forward to hearing about your pregnancy journey. There is a lot of unchartered scary territory ahead of me and reading about "the survivors" helps relieve some of the anxiety. I really hope that you continue with this blog just the way it is...about you. xxoo

COME ON BABY said...

I LOVE hearing when the infertile girl gets PG!!! I GIVES ME HOPE!!! You are part of this gang and always will be!!!!!! I can't wait to see ultrasound pics, new born pics, read the twins birth story........ All of it. You are my goal sister :)

elaine said...

As someone who traveled "The Journey" and is now almost 29 weeks pregnant I can tell you it's normal to feel what you are feeling. I know with me I never once turned my back to any of the friends I met through this journey when they were successful. Because that's what this journey is about SUCCESS! Yes it's not always easy to hear the news but for me it wasn't because I wasn't happy for them but it was because their happiness reminded me of my sadness, but still I never turned away from them. I asked about them everyday and hope everything went well for them. I think that helped, I like to think that when I walk this trail with a group of ladies or a single friend that we will stand by each other no matter what and not just through each others failed cycles but especially the one that works. And yes this is easier said then done and I often live in a fairytale world as I learned that's not how it happens. First you aren't welcomes at the support group you depend on and then slowly some 'friends" stop speaking to you. But you have to hope it's not because they aren't happy for you but maybe they can't face the sadness of their own situation. This is where you blog comes in handy they can still quietly follow you so hopefully one day when they are healed a little more or a little stronger or less sad they are able to tell you how they followed you and yet don't have to feel so left out. I always said I can't apologize for getting pregnant because that's what all of our goal is, all I can do is pray with all my heart that all woman on the journey will be successful and have strong friends to stand by then through the next stage.
So in short I say keep up the blog and know not everyone will turn away even if some have to.

Lindsey said...

You are not uniquely unqualified but the opposite, uniquely qualified. I can't think of a single person i'd rather have infertility advice from! You've been there done that and survived it all, we still in the trenches need to see you to remeber that there is still hope. Also I have already learned so much from you, even down to the little stuff like how much a heating pad will help with the follistim ovary pain! Maybe you can start an auto-blog-ography? Start from the beginning with all the things you've gone through?

Christina said...

Now it's my turn to turn to your blog for what I'm feeling! I don't want to go into every detail o my pregnancy and alienate or hurt the women that have been so instrumental to keeping my sanity. But at this point, what else is there to write about in our "infertility" story?

I feel even less qualified then you as I've had a relatively short deployment in the fertility war zone. I don't have as much insight to share, but I'm putting out as much support as I can to those that I feel need it!

China Doll said...

This is a difficult one and you have to do what feels right. Remember that people can always choose to unfollow you if they are having a hard time. You may get a slightly different demographic of reader as your story develops, but that's OK too. And I'm sure any comments that come from the heart would be welcomed xxx

Endo_Life said...

I would be disapointed if I could not follow along with your journey as it continues. Of course I would understand if you chose not to continue blogging. I am hoping and praying however you will allow us to continue on with you. As someone else said successes gives us hope.

mommie-to-be said...

I agree with Come on Baby. I love reading stories like yours because it gives me hope that I, too, can make it out of this darkness. Wish you a safe and happy pregnancy. Twins?! How exciting!

P.S. I am a newbie to the world of blogdum and looking for followers. If you could oblige that would be wonderful, thank you. I so enjoy reading your posts and look forward to hearing all the great things about this next chapter in your life!