Still Dealing With Infertility

A fertility friend who is still waiting for her happily ever after wrote to me on Friday, after reading my post about my loss.  She informed me that the title to my blog was misleading and potentially hurtful to others.  People may read my blog title that says I am waiting for a positive pregnancy test and read my blog only to be unpleasantly surprised that I've already gotten a positive pregnancy test.  It was strongly recommended that I fix the title.  Here's the problem with that (Okay, I actually have multiple problems with that).  First, on the day that I find out I lost a twin, I don't need to be told that I am hurting others struggling with infertility, nor is it reasonable to think that I am concerned with updating my blog at that particular time.  I know I probably sound like a real witch right now, but I just think that a fellow infertility survivor should have been able to be more compassionate and thoughtful about the timing of those comments. 

But the bigger problem with the title issue is that I don't know where I stand yet...so I can't change my title right now.  It is true that I am not waiting for my first positive pregnancy test anymore, but I am still feeling very much infertile, and my faith in this pregnancy has been shaken to the point that I'm not ready to modify anything.  I hope that doesn't cause other people pain or mislead them, but this blog is mine and I need to follow my heart.  Right now, my heart is fighting with my head and they are both too confused to make any decisions.  So for now, my blog isn't getting updated.  Hopefully soon I will figure some stuff out and will update who I'm following, what my totle portrays and my "about me" section.  But for now, I'm lost, so I ask for everyone's patience.

As most of you know, I've been struggling since I got pregnant to figure out my identity. Well, in the last three days it has become clear to me...I'm still struggling with infertility.  I've played over the words the nurse said on Friday a million times in my head...trying to decide if I put a more negative spin on it than I should have.  I've reviewed (once with a magnifying glass) the ultrasound pictures of the sac that we didn't see a baby in last week...trying to determine whether the sac got smaller or the perspective was different.  I've imagined that I can see a small dot in the sac and that it is a baby.  I've cried and cried over the loss of the twin, and then I've convinced myself that the ultrasound was a fluke...that it just didn't pick-up the baby, but the baby is still there.  My heart keeps telling me that the twin isn't gone, that it is fighting and needs me to believe in it.  At the same time, my head is telling me to accept what I know. 

These feelings are all far too familiar to me.  I'm doing the same thing I would do during each of our IVF cycles.  The evidence would be there, that the cycle was getting cancelled or that we didn't have enough mature eggs to make it to transfer.  And yet, my heart would tell me to keep hoping.  I would believe that things were going to be okay even though I knew they wouldn't.  Believing and knowing are two different things...and every woman I know who has struggled with infertility is acutely aware of that difference.  I feel myself spreading out the pain of a loss that same way I would do after a transfer...peeing on a stick each day, mourning each negative HPT, so that the negative beta test didn't sting as much.  I'm realistic about what is going to happen at our next ultrasound, and yet, I still have the infertility mentality - my heart won't let go of the hope that both twins are still there.  Maybe this is the mentality of everyone who has to grieve, maybe it is not exclusive to infertiles.  But I feel like I own the duality, and I never experienced it until my infertility journey.

I apologize that my posts don't seem to have much of a point right now.  I apologize that I am accepting everyone's support but not doing much commenting right now.  I promise to catch up on all of the blogs I follow and to update my blog as soon as I can.  I want to thank everyone who has been supportive.  Some of you have shared your experiences with me and I can't tell you how helpful that insight is.  I wish I was being a better blogger and a better friend right now.  All I can do is promise that I will be better someday soon.  I've become an expert griever over the last three years...I'll move on from this.  Until then, thank you again for your patience.

Good News and Really Bad News

To say that I am lost right now would be a huge understatement.  We just got back from our 6 week ultrasound.  I’ve been incredibly sick all week and the nurses were concerned from the start because I had trouble staying in the room because I kept getting sick.  Then, drawing blood was almost impossible because I am so dehydrated.  By the time they took my blood pressure and heart rate, the doctor was already writing me a prescription for medication that will help me keep food and fluids down and that will also help me sleep.  My blood pressure is a little high, my heart rate is off the charts.  I’ve known all week that I wasn’t doing so great, but I just took comfort in the fact that I was so sick because I was housing two little babies…and that’s a lot of change to adjust to.

But then they did the ultrasound…and there was only one heartbeat.  It’s a strong heartbeat, especially given that we are only 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant.  But it’s one heartbeat.  The other gestational sac that we saw last week (which was actually the bigger one last week… and the one they found first) has gotten a little smaller since last week and there is no visible yolk sac in it, much less an embryo.  The nurse doing the scan was really sweet.  She said “Twins are fickle little things.  If we don’t see a heartbeat next week then we’ll know for sure that it decided not to stick around.  But don’t worry.  Your body will just reabsorb it and your cute-as-a-button baby with the healthy heartbeat will do just fine.  Sometimes these things just happen.”  The nurse also said that it isn’t guaranteed that the second baby won’t show up next week.  She said that sometimes with twins one will just be tucked up in a spot that is tough to see until the 7^th week.  But she won’t be shocked if the sac is gone or almost gone next week. If she had to bet one way or the other, she would bet that we have one baby.

I held it together and smiled until she was out of the room and then I lost it.  I started sobbing.  I was angry with The Prince because he wasn’t upset at all about losing one…he was just so excited to see the heartbeat on the one that’s doing well.  So, needing to lash out, I said “You seem a little too relieved.  I guess you don’t have to worry about daycare costs now.”  He insisted that he just isn’t going to get upset or get his hopes up about the twin because he thinks it is too early to know anything.  He said he’ll deal with it next week.  I explained that I’ve already researched the “vanishing twin” phenomenon for hours and, I can assure him, that things don’t look good.  (When I got home, I compared this week’s pictures with last week’s…the twin is definitely gone.  The sac has collapsed to about half the size that it was last week and the edges aren’t defined anymore like they were last week.)  He feels like we should be happy with one.  It is what we set out to have and we have one very healthy baby to be thankful for.  Plus, he said he’s been worried since last week that my body won’t be able to handle twins.  I have a lot of health issues and have had three uterine suspensions because my uterus keeps falling and getting stuck to my pelvic floor by adhesions…without the weight of babies in it.  He thinks that maybe this is nature’s way of taking care of what would end up being a dangerous situation for me and the babies later on.

I hear him, but I can’t process what he is saying.  All I can think is that I should be so happy and feeling so blessed to have one healthy baby…something I was beginning to doubt I was ever going to get…and instead I am crying and grieving a baby that we never even really saw.  I feel terrible that I wish I could go back to last week and not say anything about the possibility of twins…so that the nurse wouldn’t have moved the wand and I would never have known that there were ever two.  I have always had a “better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” kind of girl.  But I’m not so sure in this situation.  If I had never known, I would just be over the moon thrilled right now, instead of bawling. 

My family is going to be here in a couple of hours and I don’t know how to stomach making my pregnancy announcement to them under these circumstances.  They are going to expect me to be so insanely happy, after everything we’ve gone through to get pregnant.  I don’t know if I can fake “insanely happy” right now.  I don’t know if I can even try.  And I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t have to fake it…I should just feel that way.  How ungrateful am I that I am complaining about making a pregnancy announcement to my family?  What the hell is wrong with me?  Five months ago I would have given a limb to be in this position – one healthy little baby in my belly.  But now…UGH!  I don’t even know what to say.  I’m sorry and I hope this post isn’t angering or upsetting anyone.  I haven’t forgotten my IF struggle or what so many women are going through right now.  I know in my head how lucky I am…I just can’t get my heart on board right now.  It’s too busy being broken.