Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Facebook is Still Not My Friend...But We're Flirting

I apologize for not posting for awhile.  After I got out of the hospital last weekend, I really didn’t know what to say.  I don’t want to chance complaining about the sickness anymore.  I’m sick of hearing myself talk about it.  I can only imagine what my IF buddies are feeling.  So, I held off on posting until I came up with something to post about…or at least I tried to.  I’m still not sure whether I do…but I’m already writing, so here it goes.

I may be looking at getting bonked in the head by a winter rainbow.  This reference is from one of my older, pre-pregnancy posts, in which I promised not to make a pregnancy announcement on Facebook, not to post a pregnancy ticker on Facebook, not to post belly pictures on Facebook and not to make endless Facebook comments about my pregnancy.  I HATED being confronted with the aforementioned Facebook posts on bad days during my IF journey.  I loved rejoicing with my pregnant IF friends on some days…but there were probably more of the dark days, when I wanted to commit Facebook suicide.  I still remember how that felt and I still don’t want to hurt any of my friends that way…but…

It is tricky to come up with a way to announce a pregnancy without using Facebook. We are at that point now…entering the second trimester…and in the semi-near future, decisions about this need to be made.   Both my family and The Prince’s family are spread out all over the country.  We don’t email…we Facebook.  It’s just how we communicate.  So, figuring out how to get around pregnancy chatter on Facebook is tough.  I looked into buying cute pregnancy announcements, which you send through the mail.  But they are expensive (relatively speaking) and would require tracking down a few dozen addresses, addressing all of those envelopes, and sending the announcements out.  Plus, there is still no guarantee that the responses to the announcements won’t be posted on Facebook, thus defeating the intended purpose of the paper announcements.  I also don’t think word-of-mouth is an option, as you will always have someone who was out-of-the-loop and bitter about it (or at least in my family you will).

So, I’ve been rationalizing why it would be okay to post my announcement on Facebook…even though I know it isn’t.  I tell myself that all of my IF friends already know about my pregnancy and many read this blog, so the Facebook news alert won’t be such a slap in the face.  But that’s B.S.  It isn’t about whether you know someone is pregnant or not.  It is about someone’s joyful news hitting you head-on on a day when the IF clouds are raining heaps of crap on your head.  A lot of my friends are in the midst of cycles, or two week waits, or have just come off a loss.  The reality is, that may be the case for a long time, as people’s journeys start, meander or even stop at different times.  So my Facebook announcement could very well fall on a most-inopportune day for one or more of my friends.  I don’t want that. 

I tell myself that I could send out a nice message to my IF friends, ahead of time, explaining what is about to happen and letting them know I am sorry and I am okay with them “hiding” me if they need to.  But won’t that message itself be hurtful?  When I was in the trenches, I wanted people to be sensitive of my feelings, but I hated it when people felt they needed to change their behavior around me because of my IF.  Am I being more insulting by giving that “warning” than just going for it and trusting that my friends would want me to treat them the same as my non-IF friends?  I don’t think so, but I’m not sure.

I see this blog morphing into a pregnancy blog and I am so conflicted about that.  It wasn’t what it was meant to be…but I don’t know if it can be stopped.  The pregnancy is a HUGE part of my life right now (some days, it is the only thing going on in my life).  How do I keep it from seeping into my blog and my Facebook and my conversations?  Should I try to keep that from happening, or just embrace the pregnancy and tell myself that I am celebrating my joy on behalf of IF’ers everywhere?

I guess this post doesn’t really have a point.  It is just more of my random thoughts.  But it felt really good to get them out of my head and out to the world…even if I ended up with more questions than answers.   

P.S.***My biggest fear...and yet oddly amusing - http://eggsandsperm.com/2011/02/16/the-facebook-pregnancy-announcement/


Jammie J. said...

Hmmm, what about making a special "category" in your friends/family for pregnancy updates and just restrict pregnancy updates to that special group?

Just a thought. Never easy. I still haven't come out on FB, or even at work... so, it's something I've been thinking about, too.

Or maybe I'll just let everyone think Baby just showed up, like what happened back in the early 1900's.

COME ON BABY said...

You are too funny :) Celebrate you ass off sweetie. Glad you are feeling better. xoxo

Christina said...

I sent a FB message (private) to selected family/friends/family-friends. So far, they've all replied back to that message and not on my main FB. Even after given the parents the OK to share, I've not had anyone out me on FB.

Eventually, I'll have to come out to my co-workers and the rest of the world...

Willow said...

Hope you're feeling better! I did announce on FB (but not in any of the gross/cutesy ways from the post you linked to!), but I kept it simple, and most of my infertile friends already knew. I refuse to post ultrasound pix because yeah, my uterus doesn't need that much exposure. And I won't post belly pix either, though after some friends insisted, I posted a couple of regular photos where you just happen to be able to see my "bump." we haven't been taking the "show-off-the-belly" photos--I just don't feel comfortable about those. I always found the photos on FB hardest to cope with, so I'm hoping my simple status update wasn't hurtful to anyone--especially since I made it clear this came after 4+ years of infertility. Good luck--it's a tough thing to navigate!

Michelle D said...

I like the suggestion of emailing all of the family/friend you want to and feel comfortable announcing to. Perhaps include a note that in sensitivity to others it would best to reply to the email rather than post congrats. I don't remember what I did (I put off any posts until I was 20 weeks and by then I might have been outed by a friend). I think if you do post anything that Willow is right just know it's a one time post (not weekly/hourly updates) and that you've worked hard to get here. PS My blog morphed and it's hard but though IF is still a huge part of my life I can't help but be happy about my girls either. Honestly I've had people say it gives them hope and in my pre-kid (sometimes bitter) days I felt the same about people getting pregnant with IVF or DE IVF. I also agree with the first...celebrate!! You deserve it :)

Endo_Life said...

If you feel that strongly about unintentionally hurting someones feelings then maybe send a private message through facebook.

I know exactly what you mean about the updates or photos coming at exactly the wrong moment and can understand why you would not want to be the one to cause that to happen when you know how you felt.

Good luck with however you decide to make your announcement x

Elaine said...

I never have and never will understand this part of infertility. I mean come on what are we all doing shot and taking meds for DUH, to have a baby. I think to be mad or upset with someone who is "supposed" to be your friend for FINALLY reaching their goal is selfish. First hand I understand this I have some "fertility friends" stop talking to me when we got pregnant and all it make me realize was that they were selfish. I never turned my back on anyone I claimed to be there for or to care for.
I say celebrate your goal, it should encourage people who are trying to know it does work out. I think for me the biggest issue with fertility treatments is that we start to only define ourselves as that and that becomes all that matters. I look at it as each life, each child is a miracle and fertility treatments prove that. I think you need to take a few deep breathes and stop over thinking it so much. To be honest and you know I am I would find a post complaining about pregnancy symptoms far more offensive than one celebrating your miracle from God!
I post on facebook all the time and wouldn't change it for anything or anyone I worked my ass of to be here and I will not allow someone to take away from my joy because I'd never take away from someone elses. Not everyone thinks negitive about pregnant people.
Do what's best for you but I think you are way over thinking it, FRIENDS don't think that way about FRIENDS. So if people feel that way then maybe it's the "friendship" that needs to be evaluated not the post.

Michelle said...

I know how you are feeling. I'm struggling with the same thing. I want to eventually make a simple announcement on fb but I don't want to be one of those people that I always dreaded seeing. I always made a promise that I won't post belly shots, ultrasound photos, etc and I'm still sticking to that. But how about only posting to a select group of people or sending out a fb message. Most people would probably respond to the message and not your page. Or how about an email and/or creating a separate pregnancy blog to keep just your family and friends in the loop instead of all of fb. In all honestly though you shouldn't feel bad about posting something on fb, as long as your not going over the limit with pregnancy photos etc I think you deserve to celebrate and make your announcement. Just some suggestions.

infertilenanny said...

I think your over thinking this dear. As a former IF who is currently pregnant after almost 4 years of dealing with IF I shouted my good news from mountain tops. I worked my ass off to get to this point and my friends who are still struggling could not be more thrilled for me. I know whenever I heard about an IF friend that finally succeeded and conceived I was nothing but thrilled for them and it gave me hope. If they could succeed, so could I and guess what I did. You have every right to be excited for this but I totally get how you feel. I still have "survivor guilt" too. Congrats and I'm glad you are feeling better.