Friday, July 8, 2011

There Are No Words

Yesterday, I found out that two of my fertility friends have had pregnancy losses within the last couple of days. One of those friends got pregnant on the day before I did. My 12 week scan went well. Hers did not. When I received her message, explaining what had happened and asking all of her friends to respect her need to deal with this on her own for now, I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. If there were any justice in this world, her scan would have showed a beautiful, healthy baby. Apparently, there is no justice.

Both of my friends are so kind and so caring. They both have been on the infertility journey for a really long time. They both will be great mothers, and they deserve better than the hands they’ve been dealt. They deserve happiness, not pain.

I’ve struggled to try to figure out what to say to offer my friends comfort, but I’ve come to the conclusion that there are no words. There are no words to explain how sorry I am for what they are going through. There are no words to take away their pain or even lighten their burden. There are no words of encouragement that will restore their hope or faith. There are no words…or if there are words…I can’t find them.

So I remain silent…feeling a bit like a mistress at a lover’s funeral, wanting to mourn with the group but knowing that I am only going to make things worse for everyone. I’ve no right to put in my two cents, as I am currently a reminder of their pain. I don’t think anyone wants to hear the pregnant lady in this situation, and I completely understand. In reality, the pregnant lady doesn’t want to say anything right now because she doesn’t want to chance saying something that is unintentionally stupid or hurtful. I can’t know what my friends are experiencing and, selfishly, I pray I never have to. What I do know is that sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone is to remain silent and love them from afar. That is what I intend to do...for now.


Hillary said...

Hi! I read your blog all the time (but rarely comment, sorry about that... :) but I felt like I should today. I haven't struggled with infertility but I have traveled the road of loss (1 miscarriage and 1 stillbirth. I wanted to tell you that although there are no words of comfort that you can give your friend right now you should say something. All you rally have to say is "I'm sorry this is happening to you and I'm here to talk to tomorrow or next year, just whenever you are ready".
I can't tell you how many close friendships I lost during my child losses that I later heard through the grapevine that those friends "just didn't know what to say so they said nothing" . It's now so awkward and several years have passed that we are just no longer friends anymore. Please don't let this happen to you!

I pray for you and your sweet baby every day and hope you guys have a great weekend!

Christina said...

The only thing (and the best by far) is just to let them know how sorry you are for their loss and that you are there for whatever they need you for, whenever they are ready.

It won't make things better, but just knowing some one cares and is there if you so choose is a huge comfort.

Princess Wahna Bea Mama said...

Thank you so much for the advice. I'll put it to good use.

infertilenanny said...

I am so sorry for your friends. They are in my thoughts. And as someone who also suffered a mc (just like the others said) just make sure your friend knows that you are there for her. Even a note in the mail that says I'm thinking of you can make a world of difference.

Elaine said...

I too have been in this same situation of not knowing what to say. I never experinced this pain and like you pray I never do. But I agree it's so important to let people especially the ladies we meet on this journey know we are here. I just let them know that I'm here and I care and let it go from there. I can't imagine the pain they feel and often find that their pain affects me emotionally because I do care so much and that's okay. So my thought on my journey has always been to be happy for those who are happy and and be sad/mourn with those who need me.
I call this stage of my journey my PTSD stage I have flash backs to how I felt when I hear someone else BFP or BFN. I've cried tears of joy since become pregnant for those who have joined me on that journey and cried in sadness when I heard of people I care about getting BFNs and I think I always will. This journey forever changes us, that's for sure.
It's hard to balance your own joy and happiness and others sadness but it's all apart of being a good friend.

Michelle D said...

I agree with the is better to just offer condolence then do/say nothing. It's important to know you are thought about rather than avoided. I had a friend who lost a child a few hours after her birth and although I didn't feel comfortable (being 34 weeks pregnant at the time) to do anything in person I definitely wanted her to feel support. Just let them know you care and they are in your thoughts (they probably already know...but it's nice to hear).

D said...

I am so devastated to hear this news! My heart goes out to them. You are doing the right thing and giving your friends what they need. (((hugs)))