Thursday, April 21, 2011

Tick...tick.......tick

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I wish I could say that I recovered from yesterday’s little meltdown and pulled myself back into the happy land I had been dwelling in for the last week or so.  But if I told you that, I would be lying to you.  I’m not happy.  I’m still worrying about Wednesday’s “update.”  I am still doing the math over and over, hoping that I’ve made an error and we are not looking at a real possibility of only a couple of embryos…or worse.  And I am counting the hours, minutes and seconds until tomorrow’s update.

I am being forced to realize that all of the counseling, all of the personal growth, all of the lessons that infertility has brought to me has not gotten me past the obstacles I put in front of myself.  Today I looked at how to prepare an adoption profile…because that’s what I do.  When things start looking bad for the situation I’m in, I mentally ditch it and move on to the back-up plan.  I am trying desperately to hold on to my hope for this cycle, and to break my pattern of “cut-and-run.”  But each tick of the clock makes me more impatient, and with that impatience comes frustration, and with that frustration comes the insatiable urge to give up on this cycle and prepare for the worst – a BFN on Mother’s Day. 

I am brutally honest in this blog.  I’m not one to let myself off easy in my “real life,” and I certainly haven’t pulled any punches with myself in front of all of you, the readers of these posts.  So, I can imagine that, not knowing how I behave outwardly, you may think that it is a good thing that I have not managed to become a mother, as I am a bit of a basket case.  I know that you might be thinking such thoughts, because I have a hard not letting myself buy into that negative thinking.  But I will say that I have always been my own worst critic and that people who know me in person would likely never believe that I am the author of this blog.  I am excellent at sucking things up and holding myself together as needed.  I just let it all hang out there with you gals.  I promise…I really am Mommy material…and the fact that I need so desperately to convince you all that what I say is true further evidences that infertility has done a real number on my self-esteem.

The Prince is having his cosmetic surgery this afternoon.  I am hoping that I will transition into “caretaker” mode and that will fix my current gloomy mood.  I thoroughly enjoy playing the role of a 50’s house wife…attending to my husband’s every need (at least for a few days)…and I just realized that I wore my poofy dress, pearls, lipstick and heels today, so I’m dressed for the part.  I cannot promise that this will be today’s last post, as this blog has become my refuge and I’m feeling like the storm is pretty brutal right now.  Hopefully, the next time I write I will be in full-on Stepford mode, and we can forget all about this nasty post.  Sometimes, a little denial is a very good thing.


5 comments:

S said...

I think we all need a place where we can be brutally honest about our feelings, especially when we are going through something as difficult as infertility. If it's not with close friends, family or a therapist--or even if you have those people, too--a blog is a great place for that.

I can't speak for all your readers of course, but what you write here has never made me doubt your ability to be a good mother or to keep it together in day-to-day life. I think we've all had thoughts and feelings we're not particularly proud of while dealing with this sh1t storm called infertility.

Lindsey said...

We are so alike its scary! Almost everytime I get a BFN or get down and convinced a cycle didn't work I start googling adoption. Thats what we "problem solvers" do, we problem solve and unfortunately this is a major test for us because there is nothing we can do. Except maybe try and think as positive as possible and cross all of our fingers and toes! So my dear, here is my reccomendation for what its worth, put down the adoption paper work and pick up the knitting needles to make something pastel for your little one.

New Year Mum said...

Love your blog and thank you so much for all your kind words since I started blogging... it's been lovely to start sharing this journey with you. I've awarded you a Stylish Blogger and/or Versatile blogger Award :)) Follow the link below and join in the fun this Easter :)

I know how hard it is... but keep up as much hope as you can. But I'm very much like you too and think about what we would need to do for adoption to get myself through the rough times in IVF.... this roller-coaster is a nightmare :((

Love always xoxo

http://newyearmum.blogspot.com/2011/04/my-first-blogger-awards-and-good-friday.html

Jo...x said...

I love your blog, and love that you have a place to be honest. i know you will be an awesome mommy.. sendind love.. come and join me at my new blog http://whatmovesstars.blogspot.com

China Doll said...

I've never questioned that you will be an amazing Mum.. just because you get stressed and like to have a plan doesn't make you neurotic.. it makes you human! xx