The Prince is Charming

Lately, the fertility meds have been kicking my butt.  I haven’t had the horrible pain I was in a few weeks ago, but I am achy, tired, bloated, and nauseated all the time.  I wish I could say that I suffer through all of this in silence, showing the strength of my resolve…but that would be a lie.  I whine…a lot. 

Normally, my whining sends The Prince running to the grocery store, work or the gym…anywhere but around me.  At best, I turn into the teacher on Charlie Brown and all he hears is “Wha Wha Wha Wha Wha Wha.”  But lately, he has been great. 

Yesterday, I sent him an email from work, complaining that I was so sick and so tired, that I just wanted the cycle to be over.  I expected the obligatory “Sorry” reply email, or no response at all.  But instead, The Prince immediately shot back an email saying “I’m so sorry that you feel so sick.  It won’t be much longer now and it will be worth it when it is all over.  I love you.”  That little bit of effort on his part made all of the difference to me.  Instead of being grumpy all morning, every time I felt really sick again, I would think of The Prince’s words and feel happy (and sick…but mostly happy).

I was also pleased that when I told The Prince about coming out on Facebook, and his mother’s and family’s responses, he didn’t get mad.  Instead he made a joke about how he’s sure that I am hoping that his mother’s supportiveness will rub off on him…and it is always good to hope.

It is very easy for me to get irritated with The Prince…and I do, a lot.  So I really wanted to put in writing today how much I appreciate his efforts this cycle.  I might need to look back at it during my hormonal rages and freak out sessions, to remind me how lucky I am.  But I am lucky, I have a good husband.  He’s going to be a great father to our child/children, and I have hope that he is going to be a great husband, too…he certainly has the potential. 



Charging Into Battle

I am trying to put the family drama behind me to look forward to this cycle.  As many of you pointed out, I can do nothing to change the sister-situation, so it is a fruitless endeavor to worry and “what if” the situation to death.  Fretting about the fate of my niece and nephew has left me exhausted, sore (my mind-body connection is a little too strong) and frustrated.  I need to look forward to this donor egg cycle with positivity and hope…because it is coming with challenges all its own.  So with a heavy heart, I am determined to lay down that burden and accept that some force greater than me will need to protect and watch over those children.  I cannot be their savior, but I could potentially become a Mommy of my own child very soon…and that child-to-be deserves my full attention right now.

Yesterday morning, I had my baseline ultrasound and blood work.  The nurse said things looked great on the ultrasound (and later I found out my blood level were perfect for baseline – Yeah!!!).  However, the nurse did not give me a tentative schedule, like they normally do at baseline appointments, because the donor coordinator needed to make sure neither my donor, nor the other recipient, had functional cysts.  The nurse told me that the other recipient “may” have had a problem with functional cysts in the past.  The donor has never had to stop a cycle because of a cyst but if she had one that was big enough, they would keep us all suppressed and try to shrink hers to make more room on her ovaries.  It had never occurred to me that things might not get started yesterday.  At first I was irritated, and then worried.  In fact, I got no work done, spending most of the day worrying obsessively and making a chart of all of the possible retrieval, transfer and beta dates.  I also threw in “first heartbeat,” “end of first trimester,” and singleton and twin due dates, for good measure.  That kept me busy and sane (or at least relatively sane) most of the day.  As the day went on, my irritation turned to sympathy for the other recipient and donor.  I thought, if I was the other recipient, I would be really sad to have spent all that money only to watch the cycle go on without me…making me wait for frozen eggs later on.  And, if the donor had a cyst, I’m sure she would be frustrated because she has been waiting a long time to get going on this cycle, too.  Plus, I would want to wait to give us the best chance at the most eggs.  It would be stupid to give up a higher egg count just because of my impatience.  So, by the afternoon, I had convinced myself that I would not totally freak out if the cycle was delayed.  I just needed to know.

Finally, at 3:00 p.m., I couldn’t take the suspense any longer and I called and left a message for the donor coordinator.  She called me back and was very pleasant…which gives me hope that maybe she becomes “warm and fuzzy” once you are in your donor cycle.  She said that the donor is baseline, has no cysts and is ready to go.  I asked about the other recipient and she said that I don’t need to worry about the other recipient and that will not be affecting my cycle.  I don’t know what that means, but whatever it means, the coordinator is probably right.  I should focus on my own cycle and the donor’s cycle.  That combo is stressful enough.

What I didn’t count on is how long the cycle is going to take.  I thought the donor would start her stims yesterday, making late next week the most likely time of egg retrieval.  I was wrong.  My lining takes a long time to build, so the donor will start her stims Thursday and the tentative egg retrieval date is Monday, the 25^th.  The 25^th is better, because of The Prince’s selfishly scheduled cosmetic surgery appointment, but I’m not great with change so I had to deep breathe my way through that part.  It’s so strange to have a “probably” date after all of this waiting. 

My medication protocol started in earnest yesterday.  I take estrogen pills three times a day, dexamethasone one time a day, an antibiotic every three days for twelve days (4 doses total…and The Prince takes those, too), and I continue the Lupron injections, baby aspirin, and prenatal vitamins.  I’ll get checked next Monday to see how my lining is doing and will likely have my intralipid IV next Friday.  Things are cruising right along now, but I will definitely be in my two week wait on Mother’s Day.  I am oddly relieved that I won’t know for sure if I am pregnant until after Mother’s Day is over (I might be rethinking that position when Mother’s Day actually comes along).  It would just be too hard to go through that day if I knew that our last chance failed.

So, it’s onward and upward.  Feel free to call me out if I seem to be getting sucked into serious negative thinking over the next couple of weeks.  I love the support and sympathy that you – my friends – are so graciously willing to give to me, but I am aware that feeling positive this cycle is more important than any temporary hurt feelings over any reality checks that get doled out…or at least that’s how I feel pre-estrogen taking over my body.  The Prince would definitely warn you not to say anything less than supportive, but he is not all of you…he can’t feel what I am feeling…and I know that all of you can, so it is different.  I know I say it a lot, but I really can’t tell you all how much it means to me to have you going through this journey with me.  I feel like I have my own little army of supporters, and it is such a relief not to be alone in this battle.



And They're Off...

The long awaited event has finally arrived.  My donor started her period yesterday, so we’re off to the races.  The donor coordinator didn’t call to let me know (big surprise), but there is an online “patient portal” where you can view your lab work, u/s results, instructions, consent forms and flow sheets for each cycle.  The flow sheet for my donor cycle had been updated with anticipated dates for the beginning of the cycle and apparently the consent forms, and the bill, are in the mail with my instructions. 

The patient portal says I will have my baseline ultrasound on April 1^st, to check that I am not pregnant, etc.  Then, if I am still suppressed (which I appear to be, as my period “scare” last Friday was a fluke that only lasted a few hours), we all move forward with medications (Lupron all around…assuming I need it) starting on April 3^rd.  The donor should get her period by the 8^th or 9^th, and she will have her baseline ultrasound on the 9^th.  Then, presuming all is well (pleeeeeeeze let it all be well), she will start her stimulation medications and the other recipient and I will start estrogen.  If the donor has an average stimulation cycle (8-12 days), egg retrieval will be around the 21^st.  Making my beta test right before Mother’s Day.  I guess better to know than not to know, right?

I had anticipated this schedule, and had told the Prince to hold open all of late April.  So, what does he do?  He schedules a surgery for himself for April 21^st!  He scheduled it last week.  I asked him to change it.  He refused.  And here we are…right where I expected us to be.  Realistically, we can get from the city where he has to drop off his "contribution" on egg retrieval day to our city within a couple of hours.  So…getting back by the time of his afternoon surgery won’t be a problem.  But really?!?  We need more stress right then?!?  Plus, he is having cartilage removed from behind his ear (a revision surgery of his prior “ear-pinning-back surgery” in July).  So he has to wear a bandage wrapped around his head and he will be on pain meds for a week after the surgery.  That means, come embryo transfer day, I will be driving to the other city (and back) and he will be attending what could be one of the most important events in our lives high on oxycodone…or worse…grumpy from pain.  He is adamant that he won’t reschedule and I am trying not to be angry with him, but it’s tough…with all of the sacrifices I am making…I just feel like he should be able to make this one sacrifice.  he would have to wait until July if he doesn't do the surgery now...but I feel like...it's cosmetic surgery...who cares?

So, bottom line, I am really excited that things are finally moving.  And I finally have a plan (phew!).  But, at the same time, I am frustrated with my husband.  I am scared about whether this is going to work.  I am concerned that things are starting without me being in a mentally positive place…something that has never happened before.  My track record shows that the power of positive thinking is crap…but what if it isn’t?  I feel like I need to believe this is going to work…and I’m not there.  I am also a little emotional about using a donor.  I know that the time has passed for me to be wavering on whether I am okay giving up on having a child that is genetically mine…and I know that if I get pregnant it won’t matter whose DNA is coursing through the baby’s veins.  But I still feel conflicted about giving up on that child I had dreamed of…the one with my eyes and my hair and my crooked smile.  My ultimate dream, right now, is being able to enjoy this cycle.  I want to not stress out about every little thing (including my husband’s toddler ways) and just be happy that I have an opportunity that so many women never have.  I want to be thrilled that my chances of getting pregnant are insanely higher than they’ve ever been.  I want to be grateful for the gift the donor is giving me.  I just wish wanting to change how I feel was enough to cause the change to occur.  For now, I will have to settle for going to yoga and acupuncture tonight, and praying for a breakthrough.

P.S.  Thank you so much, ladies, for following this blog and posting your thoughtful and kind comments.  I don’t get to go back and comment on your comments very often, but I want you to know that they make all the difference in the world to me and I can’t imagine doing this without you…whoever you are.  J





Waiting Patiently...Okay, Not So Patiently

Today, I came home sick from work with the cold that everyone has right now…but I didn’t sleep and rest as I’d planned.  Instead, I tossed and turned, thinking “When is my donor going to start her period already?”  How absurd!!!  I’m getting impatient because another person’s body has not gotten onboard with my timeline.  I can’t start our donor cycle meds until about three weeks after our donor coordinator calls to announce that our donor has started her “Cycle Day 1,” so I’m getting antsy.  I’m a planner and I will plan and analyze myself to death if I don’t have something to do, to keep myself busy.  I am not very good at waiting.

In fairy tales the princesses often have to wait for something – a prince to come, a spell to wear-off, a rescue to occur.  You never hear about the princesses pacing the floor, tossing and turning at night, and grumbling about things not moving along quickly enough.  That is because princesses in fairy tales are virtuous, and we all know that patience is a virtue.  I, apparently, am a less virtuous princess than the norm.  I have to keep breathing and telling myself that I don’t need to be rushing things.  It is better that this donor cycle unfolds exactly as it is meant to…in its own time.  And although I know this, it isn’t easy to push down my impatience. 

We all know that once you finish waiting for one thing on the journey of infertility, you just start waiting for another.  You wait for your period, wait for your period to be over, wait for RE appointments, wait to be called in for blood work and ultrasounds, wait for the results from your blood work and ultrasounds, wait for your medication protocol, wait for the next part of your protocol to get started, wait to find out how many follicles you have, wait for ovulation day, wait to find out how many eggs you have, wait to find out how many eggs fertilized, wait to see what types of embryos you have to work with for IVF, and of course…the 2 week wait to find out if you are pregnant.  Even then, if you get your positive test, you have to wait for a second beta test and for an ultrasound to confirm that the pregnancy “took.”  That’s a lot of waiting for anyone to go through and that list is in no way exhaustive.  No wonder so many of us feel like our lives have been put on hold while we deal with our fertility challenges.  When you are that busy waiting, how is it possible to fit in living your life?

So now that I know what my problem of the day is (i.e.-I’m getting caught up in waiting impatiently for something I have no control over), what do I do about it?  I don’t know what I’ll do about it tomorrow, but I can tell you what I am doing tonight.  I am (oh yeah…even in between typing these paragraphs) dancing around my living room to the song “Dog Days Are Over” by Florence + the Machine.  Fever, headache and all…I’m flailing around in my nightgown, sweatshirt and slippers, with a huge smile on my face.  Not a pretty picture for anyone watching, but it is fun.  That’s my plan…just try to have fun wherever I can find it, until I get the phone call from the donor coordinator that I am waiting for.  Then, I can plan a little more…then back to dancing, or cooking, or whatever it is that tickles my fancy that day.  Maybe that’s how the fairy tale princesses pulled off waiting so gracefully…they didn’t let themselves get bored and they found fun and excitement wherever they could.  And things just fell into place for them, just like it is going to for all of us one of these days.