Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Waiting Patiently...Okay, Not So Patiently

Today, I came home sick from work with the cold that everyone has right now…but I didn’t sleep and rest as I’d planned.  Instead, I tossed and turned, thinking “When is my donor going to start her period already?”  How absurd!!!  I’m getting impatient because another person’s body has not gotten onboard with my timeline.  I can’t start our donor cycle meds until about three weeks after our donor coordinator calls to announce that our donor has started her “Cycle Day 1,” so I’m getting antsy.  I’m a planner and I will plan and analyze myself to death if I don’t have something to do, to keep myself busy.  I am not very good at waiting.

In fairy tales the princesses often have to wait for something – a prince to come, a spell to wear-off, a rescue to occur.  You never hear about the princesses pacing the floor, tossing and turning at night, and grumbling about things not moving along quickly enough.  That is because princesses in fairy tales are virtuous, and we all know that patience is a virtue.  I, apparently, am a less virtuous princess than the norm.  I have to keep breathing and telling myself that I don’t need to be rushing things.  It is better that this donor cycle unfolds exactly as it is meant to…in its own time.  And although I know this, it isn’t easy to push down my impatience. 

We all know that once you finish waiting for one thing on the journey of infertility, you just start waiting for another.  You wait for your period, wait for your period to be over, wait for RE appointments, wait to be called in for blood work and ultrasounds, wait for the results from your blood work and ultrasounds, wait for your medication protocol, wait for the next part of your protocol to get started, wait to find out how many follicles you have, wait for ovulation day, wait to find out how many eggs you have, wait to find out how many eggs fertilized, wait to see what types of embryos you have to work with for IVF, and of course…the 2 week wait to find out if you are pregnant.  Even then, if you get your positive test, you have to wait for a second beta test and for an ultrasound to confirm that the pregnancy “took.”  That’s a lot of waiting for anyone to go through and that list is in no way exhaustive.  No wonder so many of us feel like our lives have been put on hold while we deal with our fertility challenges.  When you are that busy waiting, how is it possible to fit in living your life?

So now that I know what my problem of the day is (i.e.-I’m getting caught up in waiting impatiently for something I have no control over), what do I do about it?  I don’t know what I’ll do about it tomorrow, but I can tell you what I am doing tonight.  I am (oh yeah…even in between typing these paragraphs) dancing around my living room to the song “Dog Days Are Over” by Florence + the Machine.  Fever, headache and all…I’m flailing around in my nightgown, sweatshirt and slippers, with a huge smile on my face.  Not a pretty picture for anyone watching, but it is fun.  That’s my plan…just try to have fun wherever I can find it, until I get the phone call from the donor coordinator that I am waiting for.  Then, I can plan a little more…then back to dancing, or cooking, or whatever it is that tickles my fancy that day.  Maybe that’s how the fairy tale princesses pulled off waiting so gracefully…they didn’t let themselves get bored and they found fun and excitement wherever they could.  And things just fell into place for them, just like it is going to for all of us one of these days.   

1 comment:

China Doll said...

I hate this waiting! But have also found dancing round my living room helps.. but I go for 'Take That' (though I do love Florence too - maybe I'll try that next time!)