Courage To Let It All Go

The hero in each fairy tale has to be brave in the face of adversity.  After all, courage is a key component of reaching “happily ever after.”  I think that every person facing infertility displays courage just by putting one foot in front of the other each day, in spite of the pain and fear.  But I was reading my recent posts and I think that I'm not being very courageous lately.  There is still a lot of self-pity creeping into my thoughts.  But I think I've figured out a way to start being more fearless.

Last night, I went to my Fertility Yoga class, as I normally do on Thursday nights.  After centering ourselves, our instructor always provides all of the members of my class with an opportunity to make an “intention” – a thought or desire that you carry with you throughout your practice that day, letting it seep into your heart and become a part of you.  For ages, my intention each yoga class has been “Peace.”  I feel like infertility has thrown my world into a constant state of flux and I just need to be at peace once in awhile.  But last night, when I normally would have embraced the intention of “Peace,” a loud and clear voice said “Let it go.”  And for just a second, I was annoyed.  I thought, “that’s not my intention…where did that come from?”  But I’ve learned in yoga and meditation that sometimes the part of you that silently observes your life from an objective standpoint, only speaking to you when necessary, knows more about what you need than the part of you that is always thinking and doing and talking.  So I went with the flow and engaged in a conversation with that other part of myself (I know.  I seem to have a habit of talking to myself lately).  The conversation went something like this…

“Let it go.”

“Let go of what?”

“All of it”

“What the hell is all of it?”

“You know”

“Really, because I probably wouldn’t be talking to myself if I knew…I would be letting go of whatever ‘it’ is.”

“Just breathe and let it all go.”

At that point, I decided to stop fighting with myself and to just follow my own advice (how screwed up is this sounding).  I took a deep breath.  Nothing.  So I took another and immediately thought about a comment on my post from a few days ago, regarding hurtful things that my mother has said to me.  I realized that I wrote what my mother had said to me because I’m still carrying around the hurt from every insensitive remark she has made to me.  So I breathed some more and thought “Let that go.”  I know it sounds hokey, but I could literally feel a physical difference.  My hips relaxed more and I went deeper into the pose and my breath.  I forgave her and even realized that she may not need forgiving because she isn’t trying to hurt me, she just doesn't know any better.  Given the pleasant outcome of that exercise, I decided to go for it again.

I asked myself “What else?”  Like a flood, I was faced with a whole bunch of garbage I’ve been toting around.  It almost made me cry to realize just how much there was.  And in spite of the lovely feeling I described above, my first response to the flood of baggage was to push it down, like I always do, leaving it for another day “when I might be strong enough to deal with it.”  But then I thought, “What if today I’m strong enough?  What if I just need to be brave?”

So, I took another breath and let the first thing that came to my mind wash over me.  I experienced the fear that I have that the egg donor cycle is not going to work.  I felt the fear of being disappointed and disappointing my husband.  That fear is like a huge monster, looming over me every single day that I wait to start my cycle.  But I decided that I am strong enough right now to face down that monster.  I didn’t perform some indepth analysis of why it is okay to be afraid or why it is better to be positive going into a cycle, I simply thought "Enough. I’m letting that fear go.  What is meant to be will be."  I can’t say that the beast is now gone forever, but upon intending to let the fear go, I felt peace (which was not my intention for the yoga class, but is what I ultimately received by following my intuition and “letting it go”). 

I can’t speak for everyone else, but on my journey, there are many times that the burden has just gotten too heavy to carry.  Lately, I've been going through one of those times.  So instead of sitting down on the side of the road and giving up on being a mother, I’m just going to let go of all of the baggage and the pain and the hurt feelings.  I can go back and pick those things up later if there is some crazy reason that I need them, but for now, the baggage I’m carrying is not providing armor to protect me from future hurt, it’s just stopping me from progressing into the future.  So I will keep “letting it go,” piece by piece…slaying one monster after another…until I have nothing left to let go of and am an empty vessel, ready to listen to that internal voice again and embarking on the next leg of my journey.