Stick to the Plot Line and Stop Sweating the Small Stuff

(Images... looking out our back door this afternoon)

The big question has been answered…I am not going to a retreat this weekend.  Okay.  Maybe that isn’t the “big” question, but it seemed like a big deal to me last night.

You see, yesterday, I got more and more anxious as the day went on, waiting to hear from the people who ran the retreat about whether they still had space for me or not.  After my yoga class, instead of being calm, I was stressed because I couldn’t believe that a business would conduct itself in such a manner that you don’t get a call telling you whether you are supposed to drive four hours to a retreat until 16 hours before you are supposed to start the driving.  Finally, I spoke to the leader of the retreat and she told me that they could make space for me, but she needed to know more about my health issues.  I told her I had been undergoing infertility treatments for about three years and just needed to physically and emotionally recharge.  She informed me that I would have to be willing to stop any fertility medications or treatments, and give their natural method a chance, if I wanted to attend their retreat (a one weekend retreat mind you).  Then, she told me that every woman can get pregnant naturally on her own if she just removes the toxicity from her body.  That was when I thanked her for her time and hung up the phone.

I don’t know why that conversation hit me so hard, but it did.  Maybe it was the disappointment of not getting a “retreat” this weekend.  Maybe it was the frustration of people outside of the infertility-world having such strong opinions about something they knew nothing about.  Or, maybe it was just one small thing too many.  Whatever the reason, I fell down on the floor and bawled last night.  Even after I picked myself up and started making dinner, my crying would get so intense that I would have to stop and put my hands and head on the counter to stay upright.  Thank God that “the Prince” had to work late last night, at his second job, teaching at community college, so that he didn’t have to be uncomfortable through the three hour bawl-fest.  When he did get home, I was grumpy with him and just went to bed early to avoid a big fight.  When he asked me what was wrong, all I could say was “I don’t know, but I can’t take any more.  I’ve given every ounce of everything I have and there’s nothing left to give.”

He said “Give what?”

And I said, “I don’t know.  It’s just how I feel.”  And that about summed it up - I had no idea what exactly was wrong, I just felt defeated.

This morning I woke up and knew immediately that I felt better.  It may have helped that we were getting a foot of snow dumped on us at an alarming rate, with 45 mile per hour winds to add to the fun.  I thought “If the retreat thing had worked out, I would have been driving four hours in this mess.  Only to be stuck at a retreat in nasty weather.”  As usual, in retrospect I can see that the retreat leader’s ignorant comment and disorganization shouldn’t have been an irritation to me, because it kept me from making the huge mistake of signing up for that retreat.  But isn’t that how it always works?  In retrospect, it is always easy to see how the little things that seem so overwhelming put us exactly where we need to be in our own plot lines, so that we get from where we are to where we want to be.  I want to be safe this weekend.  Now I am.  But it is hard for me to keep things in perspective when I’m in the moment, trying not to get washed away in a sea of tiny frustrations.  So, although I am not going away for a “cleanse” this weekend, I am going to try to find a way to cleanse myself of all these little stressors that are literally bring me to tears.  I’m going to try to find away to let go of the little things and keep my eye on the proposed ending of my story.