Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Pouty Princess

What happened to me?  I am on this emotional rollercoaster and I haven’t even started treatments.  Looking back through my last few posts, I started out in a pretty rough place, but as the posts went on, I saw myself getting happier and more rational.   Then, last time I wrote I was talking about battling the “glass half empty” feeling.  Now, today, the darkness is rolling in.  I’m watching myself and I want to change what I see happening, but I feel powerless to do so.

This morning, my husband came into my bedroom (we sleep in separate rooms whenever one of us is sick, so as not to contaminate the other person) and woke me up in, what I considered to be, an obnoxious way – turning on the light and yelling “It’s wakey wakey time!”  I yelled back, “No…if it was wakey time, I would be AWAKE!  I’m not two years old…I’m old enough to decide when I need to wake up.”  That was a great start to what was destined to become a “great” day. 

Next, I slipped on ice outside of my house, getting into the car to go to work.  So I spent a half and hour in the freezing cold, with my cold, salting our driveway.  When I emailed my husband from work to let him know I’d salted, there was no appreciation.  Instead, he informed me that he already salted this morning.  I wanted to say “Clearly not well enough” but at least had enough self-control to avoid that fight. 

I’m still sick and am coughing so hard that I actually have a headache from coughing.  I can’t focus.  All I can think about is “why hasn’t the donor started her period yet?”  It’s been 23 days since the donor coordinator (D.C.) told me that she would call when my donor started her AF.  So…being the obsessive person that I am, I started thinking that at this point, assuming a 28 day cycle, my donor would have had to be on day 5 of her period when the D.C. told me we were waiting for the donor to start her period.  So after that thought, I got angry…because the donor coordinator never mentioned that my donor was in her cycle at that time and it would be another month before we would get started on anything.  Then, I thought, “What if this wasn’t the D.C.’s omission, what if there is something wrong with my donor and she has an irregular cycle?”  I can hear how ridiculous this sounds as I type it, but that’s where my mind went.  I am an extremely logical person, but logic went out the window, just then.  At that point, obsession had kicked in and I couldn’t do any work.  I just sat there and stewed.

So, like a person fresh out of a break-up, who makes that drunken 3 a.m. phone call to “the ex” that is regretted for years to come, I emailed the D.C.  I didn’t even attempt to conceal my insanity.  I came up with a pretense for emailing her and then launched into a barrage of questions…Was everything okay for the cycle to move forward?  Were we still waiting for the donor to call with her Day 1?  Was everything okay with her cycle, because it was seeming a little long and I would be concerned if she is having an off cycle?  Was the primary recipient couple (i.e. – the other couple we are sharing the eggs with this cycle) ready to go?  You (the D.C.) had said we would be starting in February, but it seems like we won’t be since we have to wait three weeks after the donor has her first AF day before we take the meds.  Oh…and “thanks for your patience.”

In her typical fashion, my D.C. was less than warm and fuzzy in her response.  She and I have very different personality types, and it is difficult for me to not take her brief and sometimes unresponsive replies to my questions as her being snippy with me.  She always puts “Have a great day!” at the end of her messages…but I feel like she is just plastering a bandaid on a black eye that she just gave me.  My husband reads the D.C.’s messages and sees nothing wrong with them…so I guess this is just a problem with my perspective.  But, in my defense, she has a reputation for being very matter of fact and not particularly sympathetic.  Anyways, I digress.  She responded to my email, saying “The donor will call in with the first day of her period and I will let you know when that happens.  The primary recipient couple is doing their mock cycle right now.  Have a nice day!”  Ugh!  First, I got pissed because my questions weren’t really answered.  Then I got pissed that the other couple is doing their mock cycle now, when I had been told at the end of January that they were finishing up their mock cycle.  So…either that couple is having issues that could hold things up or someone lied to me. 

What the hell is wrong with me?  I’m even cursing like a sailor in this post.  I feel the darkness creeping in.  I’m writing my blog post at work (something I’ve never done).  I really want to go to bed right now and sleep the rest of the day away (but I can’t because this stupid cold has already caused me to use too much of my sick leave).  I don’t want to speak to my husband because I’m mad at him, even though I know there is no reason to be angry.  I feel like a puppy that got spanked…sad and fearful…waiting for the next assault.  I get it that this is all crazy.  But why am I here right now, in this dark place, when I was doing so good just a few days ago?  Princesses aren’t supposed to be moody and crazy (see, I managed to tie it in with the theme, even if it’s a crappy tie-in).  As I type this, with tears falling down my cheeks, I keep thinking “I hate infertility.  I hate it.”  That says it all, really. 


~ Alli said...

I am so sorry you are having a totally crap day. I hate days like that! I just wish I would have stayed in bed! Maybe a big glass of wine or a bowl of chocolate ice cream (probably not together!) would make for a better evening. Hope you can make it through the rest of your day without any other incidents. Oh, and feel better soon!

Endo_Life said...

I just want to come and put my arms around you and just hold you. It really sounds like you could do with a hug right now x

kristen.grant said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so down and I wish your coordinator was more helpful/kind. Ugh! Also wanted to tell you that I am really liking your the idea of the princess theme...very clever...
Take care and hope you feel better soon!
-Kristen from

One Cycle at a Time said...

Sorry you're feeling the darkness roll in again. I'm with you... I HATE IF TOO!!!! Its so unfair. And no princess should have to put up with this crap! Hope you feel better soon!

China Doll said...

Hope you feel better soon. Take care of youself xx

Princess Wahna Bea Mama said...

Thanks you so much ladies for all of the support and encouragement. I'm still blue, but I'm in a much better place than I would have been if I didn't have your kind words reminding me that I'm not alone and I will get through this, just as we all do.