The long awaited event has finally arrived. My donor started her period yesterday, so we’re off to the races. The donor coordinator didn’t call to let me know (big surprise), but there is an online “patient portal” where you can view your lab work, u/s results, instructions, consent forms and flow sheets for each cycle. The flow sheet for my donor cycle had been updated with anticipated dates for the beginning of the cycle and apparently the consent forms, and the bill, are in the mail with my instructions.
The patient portal says I will have my baseline ultrasound on April 1st, to check that I am not pregnant, etc. Then, if I am still suppressed (which I appear to be, as my period “scare” last Friday was a fluke that only lasted a few hours), we all move forward with medications (Lupron all around…assuming I need it) starting on April 3rd. The donor should get her period by the 8th or 9th, and she will have her baseline ultrasound on the 9th. Then, presuming all is well (pleeeeeeeze let it all be well), she will start her stimulation medications and the other recipient and I will start estrogen. If the donor has an average stimulation cycle (8-12 days), egg retrieval will be around the 21st. Making my beta test right before Mother’s Day. I guess better to know than not to know, right?
I had anticipated this schedule, and had told the Prince to hold open all of late April. So, what does he do? He schedules a surgery for himself for April 21st! He scheduled it last week. I asked him to change it. He refused. And here we are…right where I expected us to be. Realistically, we can get from the city where he has to drop off his "contribution" on egg retrieval day to our city within a couple of hours. So…getting back by the time of his afternoon surgery won’t be a problem. But really?!? We need more stress right then?!? Plus, he is having cartilage removed from behind his ear (a revision surgery of his prior “ear-pinning-back surgery” in July). So he has to wear a bandage wrapped around his head and he will be on pain meds for a week after the surgery. That means, come embryo transfer day, I will be driving to the other city (and back) and he will be attending what could be one of the most important events in our lives high on oxycodone…or worse…grumpy from pain. He is adamant that he won’t reschedule and I am trying not to be angry with him, but it’s tough…with all of the sacrifices I am making…I just feel like he should be able to make this one sacrifice. he would have to wait until July if he doesn't do the surgery now...but I feel like...it's cosmetic surgery...who cares?
So, bottom line, I am really excited that things are finally moving. And I finally have a plan (phew!). But, at the same time, I am frustrated with my husband. I am scared about whether this is going to work. I am concerned that things are starting without me being in a mentally positive place…something that has never happened before. My track record shows that the power of positive thinking is crap…but what if it isn’t? I feel like I need to believe this is going to work…and I’m not there. I am also a little emotional about using a donor. I know that the time has passed for me to be wavering on whether I am okay giving up on having a child that is genetically mine…and I know that if I get pregnant it won’t matter whose DNA is coursing through the baby’s veins. But I still feel conflicted about giving up on that child I had dreamed of…the one with my eyes and my hair and my crooked smile. My ultimate dream, right now, is being able to enjoy this cycle. I want to not stress out about every little thing (including my husband’s toddler ways) and just be happy that I have an opportunity that so many women never have. I want to be thrilled that my chances of getting pregnant are insanely higher than they’ve ever been. I want to be grateful for the gift the donor is giving me. I just wish wanting to change how I feel was enough to cause the change to occur. For now, I will have to settle for going to yoga and acupuncture tonight, and praying for a breakthrough.
P.S. Thank you so much, ladies, for following this blog and posting your thoughtful and kind comments. I don’t get to go back and comment on your comments very often, but I want you to know that they make all the difference in the world to me and I can’t imagine doing this without you…whoever you are. J
4 comments:
I'm so exited for you!!! :-) Sorry hubby is being difficult, but you're right - just try to focus on thepositive and hopefully something good will come your way!
First, you are not giving up your dreams of ever having a biological child, just going towards your dream of having a child.
Second, don't let your husband's act stress you. We put enough of that on ourselves. It's not as if he booked a flight across country and wont be available. It just might be more difficult or not what you expected. Plus you don't know how the timing will end up and all the stress and worrying could be for nothing.
I longer believe in positive thinking, but I wouldn't want to be all negative thinking either. Just try to remain neutral and somewhat hopeful. You never know what this cycle will bring you. Good luck.
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement on my blog... great to share this all with you. Fantastic that your cycle has started and don't worry about being in the optimally positive place - I kept beating myself up that I wasn't as fit, healthy, energetic and as positive as I wanted to be over the last month... and have finally resigned myself to doing the best that I can do. You've done so much preparation.. that just starting the cycle might be enough to help you fell more positive. Love your blog and following you all the way xoxo
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