Friday, March 4, 2011

Desperately Seeking Serenity...

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Okay.  I’m taking a break from Snow Why’s story because I need to solicit some support to get through this weekend (and today).

This morning, the Prince sent me an email asking if I would like to go to the hospital tomorrow to see our friends who just gave birth to a baby girl early this morning.  The email had pictures of the newborn and her proud Daddy and Mommy attached to it.  As soon as I opened the pictures, I started crying.  Partly because I am really happy for our friends (they are the same couple who brought their three-year-old girl, and all of her stickers, to our house for the Super Bowl), but also because the sight of a newborn is breaking my heart.  The Prince added at the end of the email, “I hope it is okay that I sent this to you, and whatever you need to do, I’ll understand.”  That got me outright bawling.  For the Prince…that statement was a huge leap into the land of empathy – someplace he rarely dwells.  It gives me hope that he is starting to “get it.”  Of course I have to say yes to going, to reward the Prince for being awesome about this and because I care about our friends and want to share in their happiness, but I am terrified that I am going to go in to the maternity ward and just start weeping.  Or worse, sometimes when I am around babies or pregnant women, I get this weird distant attitude.  I think I come off as being crabby, when I don’t feel crabby.  I think it’s some strange self-protection strategy, but I don’t like being that way.

I replied to the Prince’s email that we could go tomorrow, but it would have to be in the late afternoon because I have a baby shower to attend tomorrow at .  Yeah…the baby shower marathon officially begins tomorrow.  Although I feel like I’m okay to handle the shower (at least today I feel okay about it), I have no idea how I am going to respond when I actually get there.  The shower is for a friend of mine who went through her own infertility battle and she is awesome about the whole thing.  She told me long ago that I have a free pass if I don’t want to go or if I don’t want to stay.  But I’m a “people-pleaser” and I would feel worse about not going and staying for awhile than I would about being there…surrounded by baby-fever.  Plus, I already braved the baby store to get the gifts…the shower itself might be better than that experience.

To top off the weekend festivities, The Prince and I are going to spend Sunday with my really good friend from the firm I used to work at.  She is still there, working crazy private practice hours.  That means we have no time to get together before, during or after work hours.  She also has twin two-year-old boys and a seven year-old-boy…who was just diagnosed with Aspberger’s.  She’s devastated over the diagnosis (the doctors had misdiagnosed him and have been medicating him for two years for ADHD).  She also blames herself for not being around enough to realize what was going on with him.  She needs a friend right now, and she has stuck by me and my self-imposed distance for years now.  She’s never had fertility problems, but she is so understanding, you would think that she had.  The least I can do is be there for her and her family when she needs me.  But, because of the size of her family, and the scarcity of time she gets to spend with them, supporting her means going and being around the kids (who are serious cuddlers).

I don’t know if I am strong enough for all of this.  I’m sick of being selfish and putting my needs ahead of my friends’ in the name of self-preservation.  But I feel like the cup of what I can handle emotionally is already full and there's more that needs to go in the cup...I just don't know how to keep it from overflowing all over the place.  At a certain point, don’t I have to push my comfort boundaries to see what I am capable of?  But how do I get past this fear?  How do I stop crying just thinking about this?  Sorry to vent…I just don’t know what else to do right now.  Thanks for “listening.”

Post Script-  On top of everything else, today, for the first time in almost a year, I had a spontaneous non-induced period.  I know I should be happy that I can still cycle on my own, but it messes with my donor cycle and it messes with my emotions - which are clearly already a mess.  UGH!


New Year Mum said...

What a w/end coming up ! I'm with you on feeling teary at seeing a newborn and often do the distant thing - I figure that I'll be able to explain it to them one day and true friends will understand. Your prince sounds like he really is getting it - which makes a huge difference. Most of all - look after yourself this w/end. Can you schedule in some pampering - a massage, facial or something completely frivolous ?? Thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs to get through it OK. Sorry about your period maybe messing with the cycle - mother nature truly has a mind of her own - but hopefully with all the hormones they use, the cycles will come back in sync. My cycle has been extended significantly (now CD 57) and not even at the egg retrieval stage. Thinking of you xoxo

Lindsey said...

Sending lots of hugs your way! The shower and kiddo snuggling is going to be tough, there is no way around it. Seeing the new baby might even be the hardest, but just remember how sweet the prince was about it and remember that if you cry its OK... socially acceptable tears during an emotional time, kinda like a wedding! I'll be thinking of you this weekend.

China Doll said...

It's going to be tough, certainly.. but you're strong and you CAN do it. See if you can schedule short visits as much as possible and/or arrange with your prince for him to be the one that says you both need to leave, so it will look less like you don't want to be there. Thinking of you xx

Empty Arms, Boken Heart said...

Your desire to "be there" for your friends is admirable and surely your friends will see your loyalty and devotion to them - to participate in their joys and trials when it is emotionally hard for you to do so. Just remember to take care of yourself. When I worked in a treatment center I learned (sometimes first hand) that if you are not taking care of yourself, you cannot properly take care of anyone else (no matter how large or small the "taking care of" is). Wishing you a peaceful weekend! :)