Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Once Again...Bloggers Save The Day!

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Yesterday, after reading the lovely and informative comments to my post about the ethical dilemmas involved in using an egg donor, I went in search of further information.  Most of the blogs that I read on a daily basis are general infertility blogs.  So, I sought out some blogs of others who are going through the donor egg process.  I looked at the largest blogroll I am aware of – the stirrup queen’s list – and went through the blogs in the donor section, one at a time.  With the exception of two (one of whom had decided to adopt and one who had stopped trying to conceive for personal reasons), each one had either become a pregnancy or motherhood blog, or the blog had ceased after pregnancy was achieved.  At first I was sad that this meant there wasn’t anyone really writing from the same perspective as me right now…but then I realized how great it is that almost every person got pregnant.  That’s a great sign.

When I couldn’t find blogs of anyone actively going through a donor egg cycle from the recipient’s perspective, I started perusing the blogs written by egg donors as they go through the process of donation.  Just as the comments from all of my blogger buddies who have been egg donors were extremely helpful to me, the blogs of egg donors really put my mind at ease.  Not one of them expressed regrets…even years later…even if they are now facing infertility of their own because of endometriosis or some other non-egg related issue.  Many of them did feel an abstract loving bond with the children they had helped to create, but not one of them referred to the baby as “their baby,” or seemed sad that they had genetic offspring that they would likely never see.  They were happy just to have been able to give the gift of motherhood to someone who wanted it so badly.  I get teary-eyed just thinking about it.  Also, I was a little relieved to see that they approached each cycle the same way I do…with fears about how it is going to turn out.  They are emotionally invested in each cycle…wanting desperately to produce a pregnancy for the recipient couple.  They obsess over follicle counts and what to eat and what not to eat the same way I would.  They really put their heart and soul into making someone’s dreams come true.  That is not the actions of someone being coerced or acting upon financial motivation.  I left those blogs feeling so good about my decision to use an egg donor.  

Immediately after the flood of relief upon reading the donor blogs, I started crying to my husband.  I told him that I was so scared this wasn’t going to work.  He told me: “I think it is going to work.  There’s nothing to be scared of.”  But there is…the idea of this cycle not working is scary.  It wasn’t until that moment that I recognized that getting caught up in the analysis of whether my use of an egg donor has some great evil purpose is just a coping mechanism I used to keep my mind distracted from the real issue that I continue to want to hide from…what if it doesn’t work?  In my heart, I already knew that egg donation was a noble act on the part of the donor and a reasonable (not evil) act on the part of the recipient.  But I let myself get sidetracked with that issue based on movies and a few random comments of others, because, for the first time in my IF journey, I don’t know what the next chapter in my fairy tale is going to be if this chapter ends in another negative pregnancy test.  I always have a plan…a mental and emotional safety net for potential disappointment, to cushion the blow of a negative pregnancy test.  Not this time.  I just can’t fathom the “beyond” if it doesn’t happen for us with donor eggs.  But, I’m not going to distract myself with concerns over whether it is “right” for me to use an egg donor anymore.  It is.  I know in my heart that my smiling, self-described “spunky and fun-loving” donor is not a victim…she is an angel…a fairy godmother.  She is my best hope for a “happily ever after” and I truly believe that she is selflessly seeking to Bippity Boppity Boo me right into motherhood.  And I’m not going to spend one more second feeling guilty about letting her do it.


Lindsey said...

Love this post! Can't wait for Bippity Boppity Boo to happen! (PS I think thats what you should call the bean!) Have you started your meds yet?

New Year Mum said...

She will be your Fairy Godmother... and your blog will become one of those blogs that becomes a pregnancy blog :)) The stats are great for egg donation... even the blog world reflect those stats. All my wishes are yours xoxo

RunningMama said...

Hey! I'm going to be doing egg donor in the next couple of will be in the same boat. I have diminished ovarian reserve with 3 failed IVF, 1 failed FET, 1 failed IUI, and 3 failed dr monitored coitus cycles. We're going to give IVF one more "hail mary" go round and then move on to donor eggs. So, we're looking into a known donor and anonymous donors. I've been meeting with a therapist that specializes in donor eggs. Likely this last cycle isn't going to work, so we're prepared to move immediately (or as fast as we can get the donor lined up) into donor eggs. Oh, and I'm 32.

New Year Mum said...

You should follow Finding my New Normal if you're not already :) She's starting the process of egg donation too :)) Love her blog xoxo