The Princess and the Pug...

NAPOLEON

JOSEPHINE

Yesterday, I got the kinks worked out with the donor coordinator regarding my cycle and the consents.  When I was telling my husband about it last night, he said “You are really a pain in the butt, aren’t you?”  That got me thinking, am I a pain in the butt or just on top of things?  I recognize that I have become so absorbed in second guessing every step of the preparation for this cycle that I have, thus far, failed to find any balance in regards to the upcoming cycle.  However, I’ve caught a lot of oversights, too.  Have I gone beyond “attentive” and on to “obsessive”?  Am I looking for things to be unhappy about?

I actually work with my therapist on this exact issue.  My life, even before infertility, was spent walking on egg shells, waiting for the next bad thing to happen.  My therapist thinks that I don’t really enjoy life because I spend all of my time waiting for the other shoe to drop – a learned behavior that protected me in the past but is no longer necessary and is potentially detrimental.  There’s no place in my life right now for joy to exist.  The therapist is of the opinion that I should be able to look back at this time in my life (the Infertility Age) and say “That sucked…but there were some good times, too.”  I can’t do that right now because, although I know that I do have fun sometimes, that’s not what sticks in my memory.  I look at the last three years and think about how exhausting everything has been.  I think about all of our failed cycles, all of the heartache, all of the medication side effects, and the stress in my relationship with the Prince.  I just remember that the Infertility Age sucked…no “but’s.”

I’m a little bit like my boy pug – Napoleon.  He has been skiddish since we got him as a puppy.  He’s seven years old now…and he still crouches down almost every time we go to pet him.  He’s WAY beyond submissive.  He acts like he has been beaten every day of his life, even though we don’t know of a single occasion of him being mistreated.  Something must have happened before we took him home and he just can’t let it go.  Each day, he forgets all of the affection we’ve given him for seven years…or how much he loves a good belly rub.  He seems to only remember what presumably happened to him long ago, and the memory and the fear that goes along with that event has shaped him into who he is.  So too, my fear and memories of past traumas and disappointments are keeping me from enjoying my life to the fullest.

Because of his fear, Napoleon doesn’t get the same amount of attention and affection as our girl pug – Josephine.  She is always in our face, demanding attention.  She remembers exactly how much she likes belly rubs and throws herself backwards on top of every lap she comes across, exposing her belly and looking up with the “What’s taking you so long?” look.  She’s fearless and she clearly enjoys her life.  I wish I was a little more like her.  Able to just trust that I would get what I want…each time…even if experience has shown me that I wouldn’t always get the “belly rub” I am seeking.

It’s funny to think that I am now so neurotic that I am learning lessons from my dogs, but that’s where I am at.  Napoleon is loved dearly and is shown how much he is loved, every chance we get.  But I can't say that he has been rewarded for his fear.  And no fairy tale hero is ever rewarded for being a coward.  In fact, cowards and very negative characters in fairy tales generally face nasty consequences for displaying those characteristics.  I really want this cycle to be the best chapter in my story…and to achieve that, I know I need to dump the fear and just go for the belly rub.  Now I just have to figure out how to do that.