Wednesday, March 30, 2011

And It Makes Me Wonder...

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The last couple of nights, I haven’t been sleeping very well.  My stomach pain wakes me up as soon as the pain medicine starts to fade, which unfortunately isn’t far into the night.  The pain was so bad this morning, I got up at 3 a.m. and really considered taking another pain pill.  I know that I can’t…I have to drive to work in a couple of hours and the medicine makes me too groggy to drive safely.  But I REALLY wanted (want) to.  To try to distract myself, I started looking around my room and became transfixed on my egg donor’s profile.  I know it is a little weird that I keep it by my bed, with the printout of her pictures on top…looking at me.  I think I am trying to “bond” with a women I will never meet, but who is going to be (hopefully) one of the most important people in my life.  Somehow, looking at pictures of her makes her human to me…not “the egg donor”…but “her – the cute girl that looked a lot like me as a baby.”  Reading the answers to her profile questions (which I now know by heart) assures me I am doing the right thing by pursuing conception via an egg donor…and (in the immortal words of Led Zeppelin) it makes me wonder.

There are all kinds of questions that are not on the profile sheet (although there are well over 20 pages of questions that are covered).  I know she’s never spent more than 72 hours in jail (seriously…that’s a profile question), but I wonder what was the craziest thing she ever did in high school?  I know she likes country music (a forgivable offense that I have chosen to overlook – sorry country music fans), but what is her favorite singer/band?  What is her favorite song?  I know she likes Italian food, but what is her favorite dish?  The Prince orders chicken parmesan at every restaurant we go to…does she like chicken parmesan?  What made her decide to drop out of her original college program to pursue a nursing degree?  Does the birth control cause her to have cramps and spotting?  Does she hate the side effects of fertility medications as much as I do?  Does she know how amazing she is to give the gift of her eggs to women like myself?

I wonder about these things.  I’m embarrassed to say that sometimes I look at her pictures and guess what I think the answers are.  (Then, I analyze my own choices of what I think her answers would be, to see what that says about my own internal feelings.  Is that crazy or just self-centered…I wonder?) 

I guess this is yet another way that my fertility journey is like a fairy tale.  In fairy tales, no one tells you if the character likes chicken parmesan, or what their favorite song is.  You know only what you need to know about each character in order for the plot line to move along.  But maybe that is why I have always loved books so much.  You get to let your brain fill in the blanks.  You get to wonder about who the characters really are, outside of the story line. 

I wonder who our fairy godmother is outside of our story line.  Whoever she is, she will always have a special place in my heart, no matter how things work out this cycle.  What if you have a child who likes country music, you ask?  Yes, even then…I’ll curse the heavens, but I’ll still like her.  After all…I’m quoting Led Zeppelin.  Who am I to judge?


Anonymous said...

I would wonder the same things. I think it's fun making stories up about people that you see (not mean ones, but like why are they buying that dress...for a friends wedding at xyz, that type of stuff) and with this wonderful, selfless woman sharing such a personal piece of herself, it's no wonder you wonder these things! Keep giving yourself the answers you want, bc this is your journey and you need to do what works for you :)

S said...

I have thought a lot about our donor since we officially committed to and reserved her (and even before, but more since then). It's an odd thing to be looking at information and pictures of your (hopeful) future child's genetic mother but not actually KNOW her.

The best information the third party coordinator at our clinic has given me? Her impressions of the donor (who has done 5 prior cycles there) from knowing her personally through her work with the clinic. I would've never known just from reading her profile that our donor is "a happy person who is always in a good mood," and learning that made her seem a lot more real to me.