RESOLVE's Infertility Myth Challenge: Infertility is Nature’s Way of Telling You That You Aren’t Meant To Be A Mother.

Infertility Myth To Be Busted:  Infertility is Nature’s Way of Telling You That You Aren’t Meant To Be A Mother.

Approximately one year into my infertility journey, my aunt, who had recently found out about my struggle with infertility, said “Well, did you consider that maybe this is God’s way of telling you that you aren’t supposed to be a mother?”  That statement knocked the wind out of me and, as the ensuing dazed feeling wore off, I wondered how anyone could be so cruel.  I’m financially secure and responsible.  I’ve taken care of my younger siblings since I was a child myself.  What did I do to indicate that I would not be a good mother? 

Little did I know that I would hear variations of that comment over and over again during my infertility journey.  The wording would change a little.  For example, one friend (a mother of three) asked “Are you sure that infertility isn’t nature’s way of telling you that you aren’t meant to be a mother?  Maybe you just aren’t going to do well with messy diapers and no sleep.”  Another friend, who did not know about my infertility struggles, said “Infertility is a tool of evolution, and women who aren’t meant to have children can’t.  These women who make test tube babies are messing with nature and with the balance of life.”  Each of these comments felt like a knife stabbing through me, and I have heard from my fertility friends that I am not alone in having faced these cold comments and the psychological trauma that the comments cause.  Regardless of how these comments are worded, they all send the same message – if you have infertility, you are broken and the reason you are broken is directly connected to your inability to be a good mother. 

But people say lots of insensitive things in relation to infertility.  So what makes these comments any worse than the others?  I think that this myth is one of the most dangerous myths out there because it is so easy to believe.  All of us who have experienced infertility have experienced the dark days that come with it, when the pain is almost unbearable and we are left asking the question “Why?  Why am I unable to get pregnant and have a baby, the most natural act in the world?  Why has infertility chosen me?”  Combine the human desire to attribute reason to hardship, with the profound negative effect that infertility can have on a woman’s self-esteem, and it is very easy to see why many women with infertility struggle with the concern that they have infertility because they will be a sub-standard parent and they just don’t know it yet.  Even if we “know” that it is not true, sometimes this myth “feels” true…so whether the seed of doubt is being planted from the outside or from within, the very means in which infertility effects us as women makes this myth feel true.

Here is the good news…this myth is not true!  When this myth is applied to other physical conditions, it is apparent how silly the myth is and how insensitive it is for others to make these comments to women who are going through infertility.  No one would ever say to a person with diabetes that, “This is God’s way of telling you that you aren’t supposed to enjoy desserts.”  No one would say to someone who has suffered an amputation, “Maybe this is just nature’s way of telling you that you aren’t meant to have an arm.  Maybe you would do bad things with that arm if you had it.”  As with most debilitating medical conditions, infertility is indiscriminate.  Women of all ages, races, socioeconomic status and religion are afflicted with infertility.  And, like other physical conditions, how a person “may” behave in the future cannot be deemed the cause of a physical condition the person suffers from now.  To believe otherwise is irrational. 

Another means of debunking this myth is by looking at all of the women suffering from secondary infertility.  I have only had the pleasure of knowing a dozen or so of these women, but I can say, without equivocation, that they are wonderful mothers, full of love and patience.  Although I am working with a small sample size, I say with great confidence that no rational argument can be made that these women have been afflicted with infertility because they will be sub-par mothers.  They have already taken on the motherhood role and have managed it splendidly.

Further, although I try not to pass judgment on others, we all hear stories on the news, and in our own personal lives, about women mistreating their children…abandoning them, abusing them or worse.  It would seem that if God, nature, or evolution were going to weed out the candidates for motherhood on a merit-based system, every infertile woman I know would be a mother and there would be far less of these awful stories on the news. 

Women with infertility become personal assistants of sorts, juggling medication protocols, appointments, and large quantities of information.  We also become avid researchers and problem solvers.  We hone our ability to focus fully on the tasks at hand, regardless of any pain and emotional turmoil that we may be experiencing.  We support one another unconditionally, listening without judgments and expressing love and comfort to people we barely know, based solely on the bond we’ve developed over our shared experiences.  In short, infertility prepares us to be even more amazing mothers than we were already destined to be.  I am certainly not saying I would wish infertility on anyone, but my point is that having infertility is not a sign that you should stop pursuing your dream because you have been deemed unworthy of motherhood.  Infertility is a curse of sorts…but it is not a punishment.  We are not infertile because we will be bad mothers…we are going to be great mothers in spite of, and because of, our battle with infertility.

So, to those who would say infertility is nature’s way of saying you won’t be a good mother…I say, Myth Busted!

***For a basic understanding of infertility, go to: http://www.resolve.org/infertility101

*** For a little background of National Infertility Awareness Week® (NIAW): http://www.resolve.org/takecharge.*

*** For those interested in taking on the infertility myth challenge: http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/bust-an-infertility-myth-submission-guidelines.html 

In A Land Far Away...

I think that the second phrase at the beginning of most fairy tales -the phrase “in a land far away” - is used to distance the reader from the story.  After all, we know that fairy tales don’t mirror the world that we live in.  So if we are going to immerse ourselves into the tale and believe that it is possible, we need a way to explain the discrepancies between our world and the world in the tale.  “Ah…But it happened in a land far away” usually does the trick.

For a long time, I felt like the stories I heard about people getting pregnant must be happening in a “land far away,” because I certainly didn’t see them happening to me or the people around me.  But then one of my friends became that fabled “signed up for adoption after being told she couldn’t have a baby with her own eggs, only to find out she was pregnant” girl.  Another friend became the “failed to get pregnant after multiple ART procedures and then got pregnant naturally while relaxing on vacation” girl.  All of the urban pregnancy myths were coming true around me.  I even had one friend who had four failed IVF’s, then ate copious amounts of pineapple for weeks, and got pregnant.  I could no longer distance myself from the clichéd stories by believing that they were fanciful or that they didn’t happen in my world.  And without the “in a land far away” buffer, I was forced to face the reality that the miracle of motherhood happens everyday, all around me, not just in another place that may or may not exist.

Of course, I am happy for my friends, but their successes bring home the point that others are getting their miracles, while I’ve still never experienced a single positive pregnancy test.  All my pee sticks have only had one line, and I’ve been on vacations and “just relaxed” as much as the next gal.  I even ate pineapple until the song “If You Like Pina Coladas” made me nauseated.  No baby.  Which begs the question, if these great fertility fairy tales are coming true in my world, why aren’t they happening to me, too?

In addition to the self-pity and doubt that comes along with the removal of the “land far away” buffer, the fear of hope is also an unfortunate side effect.  That may sound like a weird statement – why would you fear hope?  But for me, hope has not been my friend in the past.  With great hope comes great disappointment if things don’t work out.  My issues with that go back to my last post, regarding “attachments to expectations.” 

My husband is so practical and logical.  He understands the odds of success involved each time we try a different approach to getting pregnant, and he somehow balances practicality with hopefulness.  He loves hearing that my friends have gotten pregnant after they struggled with infertility.  Somehow I think he figures their unconventional successes in as a factor that increases our odds of success.  I like to think that I am also a logical person, but I cannot achieve the balance that he can.  I throw myself into each ART cycle, each alternative therapy, each “natural” try, thinking that if I can just “believe enough” I will get my miracle, too.  When that doesn’t work, my husband takes the whole thing in stride while I become a blob of emotional goop.  I’ve taken hope to an unhealthy place and I am still trying to figure out where the tipping point lies between optimism and setting myself up for disappointment. 

I guess my ultimate point here is that sometimes, for me at least, ignorance is bliss.  I need the “in a land far away” buffer right now because my fertility journey is in such a scary and uncertain place.  While it is probably better to be grounded in reality, sometimes, when things get too scary or to sad, I need the temporary solace provided by the belief that a fairy tale is simply a fairy tale.