Eggstatic!!!

Tuesday's Throne

This morning was the longest morning of my life…or at least as much of my life as I can remember.  I waited and waited and waited and waited for the donor coordinator to call me with the status update- how many eggs were collected from the 15-18 follicles, how many fertilized, etc.  She had said that she would call this morning with that update and I anticipated that she meant late morning.  But then, morning passed and the call never came.

So at 1:00 p.m., I decided to call her.  Her voicemail message said that she had gone home for the day and would be returning messages on Monday afternoon.  Seriously?!?  When my transfer would either be Monday or Tuesday!  So, I called the fertility center’s main line and spoke to the office operator and then a nurse who was able to find my chart.  This is how the conversation went:

Nurse: Okay…so your transfer has been scheduled already for 9:15 a.m. on Tuesday.

Me:     Okay…but do you have the numbers of eggs and how many fertilized?  I didn’t get any update today at all.

Nurse: Really?  Oh.  Sorry about that.  Let me see here….16 eggs, 14 were injected with your husband’s sperm and 12 fertilized.  So you have 12 embryos to work with for now and we’ll do the Day 5 transfer on Tuesday.

Me:     No.  I think that is the total number you are reading.  We did a split   cycle…sharing the eggs…and the donor only had 15 follicles, so that can’t be our numbers.  OH MY GOD!  Please tell me they didn’t accidentally fertilize ALL of the eggs with my husband’s sperm and forget to split them.

Nurse: One second…nope.  That is the split numbers.  Your donor did really well…over 30 eggs.

Me:     Are you really sure you have the right chart?

Nurse: Positive.  You have 12 so far…congratulations.  We’ll see you on Tuesday.

HOLY CRAP!!!  I am so excited and so scared that the phone is going to ring, telling me it was a mistake.  I guess the coordinator’s comment that “they don’t always count the follicles carefully during the scans” was a bit of an understatement.  (By the way…today pushed me over the edge.  Lots of you have recommended that I say something about the coordinator after this cycle is over and I really didn’t want to…but enough is enough.  Not calling me today, even though she looked at my chart long enough to schedule my transfer, was the straw that broke the camel’s back.  But I’m setting my irritation aside for now so that I can just be ecstatic.)

I know that a lot can happen between now and Tuesday, but I have so much confidence that Tuesday…whether it results in a pregnancy or not…is not going to be a disappointing day in our journey…and that was something I was genuinely concerned about over the last week.  Instead, things went better than I ever could have expected…even with the donor’s usual response.  As Ants would say “I’m over the moon!” 

Thank you so much for all of your support, prayers, thoughts and good vibes.  I’ll check back in soon.  Right now, I have to go massage my face because I’m not used to smiling this big for this long, and it hurts. (Okay...so really I'm going to do a happy dance in the bathroom, but my face really does hurt).    



The Poster Child of Flexible Thinking Takes A Tumble From Her Pedestal

I feel like this cycle, even more than my other cycles, has been a lesson in learning to be more flexible.  But I also feel like I’m not a very good student.  I’ve been so proud of myself for adjusting from my initial attitude about using donor eggs.  I started out seeing this cycle as an admission of my own failure, but now realize that having a life growing inside of me is what I want, and it is okay if that happens in a way that I hadn’t anticipated initially.  Yep.  Lately I have been patting myself on the back, crowning myself The Poster Child of Flexible Thinking.  But then…today happened.

You may remember that the donor coordinator told me on Wednesday that I should call her today, between 2:00 and 3:00, for an update on my donor’s progress.  So today, after staring at the clock for hours…willing the second hand to move faster… I called the donor coordinator at 2:01.  She answered my call by asking what I needed.  She had completely forgotten that I would be calling for the update.  I ignored the initial pang of irritation I felt, as I was still excited at that point…waiting to hear how great things are going with the donor.  Instead, the donor coordinator said: “It still looks like Monday may be our likely egg retrieval day.  The donor is doing well and has about 12 to 15 follicles developing.” 

I know…in a normal cycle 12 to 15 follicles is great.  But we are doing a “split cycle,” so we only get half of the eggs to work with, and some of those will inevitably be immature.  Of the mature eggs, some won’t fertilize.  And out of those that are left, some won’t divide properly.  That’s not great odds anymore.  In our donor's past cycles (in which she's had 25 eggs each time), the recipients (who were not splitting the 25 eggs) ended up with 7 to 9 embryos.  So...halve that for the split cycle (3-5) and halve that because she has half the follicles now (1-3)...and you can see why I am concerned.  This math occurred instantaneously in my head when I heard the phrase “12 to 15.”

Panicking, I asked the coordinator “What happened?”  She said “What do you mean?  It’s early still.”  I said “But she usually has 25 eggs, so shouldn’t she have twice as many follicles as she has now, since some of the follicles will be empty?” 

The coordinator (who has clearly tired of my constant pestering) said “Well we don’t always carefully measure all of the follicles and, like I said, it is early.  But 15 is a good number.” 

I wanted to scream “That’s easy for you to say.  You’re not the one pinning all of your hopes (and a large sum of money) on this cycle.”  But I didn’t. 

Instead I called my husband and complained to him.  The Prince told me to knock it off…that 15 is a good number.  I went through the explanation of everything I mentioned above, and he said “Whatever…it’s a good number.  You can’t plan your way into getting more eggs, so let it go.”  He wasn’t being mean, but apparently he has tired of my constant pestering as well.  Perhaps I should send The Prince and the donor coordinator to lunch some time so they can both get a break from me and my constant worrying.

I am so upset with this situation.  First, why would the fertility center not measure every follicle when there are two recipients who are waiting to hear how many follicles have formed?  It isn’t much of an update if “12 to 15” could mean “12 to 15” or “20 to 30.”  Second, shouldn’t the coordinator know if this is a normal number for my donor at this time…and whether the donor will show 12 to 15 now, only to have almost double that at retrieval day?  This is my donor’s third cycle.  Why do we not have a better idea of how long her cycles take and what is typical for her at this stage?

As I type this, a little voice inside of me is saying “What is wrong with you?  Even with only 15 follicles, you would still probably have at least 4 or 5 good quality eggs to work with, and you are only planning on transferring 2 embryos…not such bad odds.  And give it a rest with the donor stats.  Even with the same person, each cycle is totally different, remember?”  But that little voice is getting pummeled by the much larger and very unreasonable part of me…the part that had her heart set on having 9 to 10 mature eggs to work with, based on the donor’s past cycles. 

Why can’t I take this news and say “It’s quality not quantity that is important” or “I know how quickly cycles can change and it is way too early to even react to this news because it could be meaningless” or “It’s so great that things are moving forward on the anticipated timeline so I don’t have to adjust my schedule.”  Why am I so rigid and controlling that I freak out about anything that falls outside of the scope of the fairy tale I’ve written in my head about where this cycle is headed?  I’m not just disappointed with the news from the coordinator…I’m really disappointed in myself and my very negative reaction to information that isn’t even that negative.  I know that we all have internal dialogue and we all have the ability to choose which voice we place our focus on.  So I guess I will just have to try to keep focusing on that poor pummeled whisper that is telling me I’m crazy to let this rattle me and to stop being such an obsessive worrier.  Perhaps that voice would like to attend the aforementioned lunch as well.