Friday, September 16, 2011

She's up...and she's down again.

This morning, as I was working, I was thinking that I am soooo happy right now.  I am not feeling unbearably ill.  I am not seriously uncomfortable like I was a couple of weeks ago.  I know what I am struggling with and what I have to do to fix those issues.  I’ve switched to an OBGYN that I trust.  I know our baby boy is okay and I even got to see a cute little profile picture of him.  I can feel him kicking away.  My baby registry is complete (except for clothes) and my shower is in the works.  This morning, I was relishing how good my life is right now.

Then, the doorbell rang at lunchtime and everything changed.  Our mailman had a certified letter that I needed to sign for.  I couldn’t imagine what it could be.  Well…it was a letter from Dr. B informing me that she could no longer be my physician and that she would transfer my records to Dr. C.  The letter is dated over two weeks ago, before I even requested that my records be sent to Dr. C.  Clearly it is back-dated to two days after my last appointment with Dr. B and, for whatever reason, the back-dating is making me mad.  It could have been a typo, but in my head I’ve come up with as theory that she is covering her butt for not dictating my anatomy scan for the last two weeks.  Being “broken-up” with is making me mad…even though I was breaking-up with Dr. B anyways (can we say junior high?).  Even though it is obvious that the letter is a form letter, the snotty tone of the letter makes me mad.  I know that this isn’t personal but every word seems personal to me.  And…worst of all…is the fact that Dr. B had time to send me that letter by certified mail but not to send my records to Dr. C or to dictate my anatomy scan report.  I’m so mad. 

“Mad” may not even be the right word.  What I feel is more like anxiety mixed with indignation.  My hands are shaking (even though it has been a couple of hours now since I received the letter) and my stomach is sick.  The Prince can’t understand why this is upsetting me and he thinks I should just fight paying Dr. B for transferring my records, as she didn’t do it in a timely manner.  I tried to explain to him that I don’t want to prolong my dealings with Dr. B’s office and fighting about a bill is pretty much the worst thing I can imagine having to go through right now.  I just want to completely forget about all things related to Dr. B.  The Prince is right that I am completely over-reacting.  The problem is…I truly can’t help it.

That seems to be a common thing for me right now.  I am fine, happy even, most of the time.  But then something small happens (like finding out the exact date that our baby will likely be born) and I end up on the verge of a panic attack.  This isn’t like anxiety I’ve experienced before.  In the past, my anxiety was always a response to some traumatic situation, conflict or negative thoughts.  This new “pregnancy anxiety” is silly and illogical.  It comes out of nowhere and (thank God) it goes away as quickly as it comes on.  The problem is…it comes.  Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding, covered in sweat, sure that something awful is about to happen.  I have no idea what that “something awful” is, and I barely remember the feeling the next morning.  But, I still have these “episodes” periodically.  I feel like a mad person.  I know there is no reason to feel this way, but refocusing my thoughts or talking through the issue isn’t helpful at all when there is nothing to talk about.

Is this normal during pregnancy or am I becoming mentally unstable?  I’m high-strung normally…but this seems excessive.  I'm sure in a couple of hours, this post will feel silly to me.  But I would still love some reassurance that this has happened to other women during their pregnancy...and that it goes away.


Jennifer said...

I know if I was in your shoes, I would react exactly the same way.

The thing is, pregnancy puts enormous physical stress on your body. I know you've had a really tough pregnancy physically. Mine isn't nearly as bad as yours, but it's still really tough, and I find it just leaves me on edge all the time. When I was feeling worse, I was using all my mental strength just to get through the day, so even if I was externally happy or positive, internally I was constantly on edge, and the littlist thing could set me off.

In addition, personal conflict is particularly nasty. Dr. B sounds like a real piece of work - congratulations on moving on. I feel like you should out her at some point, not on your blog, but on review sites or something - but maybe after your pregnancy is over. She seems like a hazard to pregnant women! A registered letter is just so nasty!

infertilenanny said...

I had anxiety issues when I was dealing with my infertility and it defiantly hasn't stopped now that I'm pregnant. I'm just getting panicky over entirely different issues. So nope you aren't alone!

And Dr. B sounds like another B word I know. What a hateful person. I'm sorry on top of everything else you are dealing with this craziness too.

Lindsey said...

I just have to say I'm so happy Dr. B isn't your doc anymore! She sounds AWFUL! said...

Pregnancy hormones are a nightmare... and I had sudden burst of being anxious during my daughter's pregnancy for no reason... and you're going through such a stressful time. Sounds like you absolutely made the right choice to change OBs !! Love to you and bub xoxo