Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Where Did the Time Go...

I can’t believe it has been over a week since my last post.  Time is FLYING by.  Tomorrow, I am officially 25 weeks pregnant and things are so different now than they were just a few weeks ago. 

I’ve settled into working from home and have finally reached an acceptable level of productivity.  Unfortunately, my labor union voted down our contract and, thus, I am potentially on the chopping block at work.  3,500 state employees are scheduled to be laid off.  Many have already received their notices and are anticipating being unemployed by the middle of this month.  There are 27 positions being cut from my agency.  Given my relative lack of seniority, I was quite certain I would be one of the 27 to go.  But, (knock on wood) I have not yet received a notice and am praying quite fervently that I won’t get one in the coming days…or weeks…or months.  I can’t imagine enduring the stress of losing my job at this point in my pregnancy, not to mention how “fun” it would be to try to find a new job as I waddle around and explain to prospective employers that they should hire me... just in time for me to go on maternity leave.  The Prince and I also really can’t afford to pay our bills without my income.  I have no control over the situation.  I can’t magically make myself have more seniority.  So I have to endure this frustrated, helpless feeling that I’ve experienced so many times before, though in a different context.  On the upside, I survived infertility.  Unemployment is a joke by comparison.

On a more cheery note, my appetite is back (in full force).  I still have a problem with my eyes being bigger than my stomach and my brain being completely mistaken about what my stomach wants.  For example, I went to the Taco Bell drive through tonight (gross…I know) and ordered $10 worth of food…for myself.  After a few bites I realized Taco Bell wasn’t what I wanted, so the dogs got a little Mexican feast.  After much experimenting, I found that Ramen noodles were what I actually wanted (I know…equally gross), so I made 2 packages.  After a few bites, I was full.  The pugs are happy about my new found finicky eating habits.  For them, this is a happy turn of events…but their vet likely will not be happy with the “pregnancy” weight they’ve put on.  My scale is starting to acknowledge the return of my appetite, but I am still down over 15 pounds from when I started the pregnancy, and I only have 13 1/2 weeks before my anticipated delivery date, so I’m not fretting just yet.

In addition to my appetite and weight, my energy has also returned, to some extent (although I am still tired a lot and still have to take a short nap most days). Unfortunately, the extra energy has not translated into motivation to get anything done.  Today I was thinking that what I feel right now is sort of like depression, without the sadness.  It isn’t a matter of lack of will power or an issue with procrastination that is keeping me from getting off the couch.  I simply can’t do it.  I'm content not to and miserable when I try to.  When I try to tackle some housecleaning or chores, I regret it…emotionally and physically.  Even light grocery shopping causes me to have cramps and spotting (sorry…TMI), though the blood is old blood and the doctor says that it is probably just from my adhesions and endometriosis getting irritated (TMI x 2).  I am watching my to-do list get longer and longer while I rest on the couch and do things that require nothing more than typing on my laptop (ebay’s baby section and I have become far too familiar with one another in the last couple of weeks).  I’ve decided to try to avoid feeling guilty about listening to my body and my intuition, so I am labeling what I am feeling as “nesting instinct.”  I’m not sure what “nesting instinct” actually is, but it seems to me that laying around, hatching a baby is what I am doing… so my behavior might qualify as “nesting.”  On days that I feel like doing more…I do.  But for now, I’m going to just trust myself about what level of activity is right for me.

A final thing that has drastically changed recently is the baby’s movements.  He is a powerful little guy and I can distinguish a head from a foot now.  I can see his movements from the outside of my belly, and The Prince and his mother have both been able to feel the baby kicking on multiple occasions (it just never gets old).  Sometimes, the baby pushes himself into a weird spot in my tummy, and I will get very uncomfortable as I see a little butt (or a head?) sticking out of my side.  Usually, if I just gently rub the area of the bump and the area around the bump, he’ll move for me.  Sometimes, I have to get on the floor and do some yoga poses before he gets the hint.  But all of it is lovely.  I’m trying very hard not to take any of this for granted.  It already saddens me to think that, in another few months, I won’t feel him inside of me ever again.  This is a once in a lifetime experience for me, and I am cherishing it as such.

As I finish this post, I just want to send some love to one of my dear IF friends.  She got her beta results today.  She is so amazing and so strong, and it breaks my heart that she is having to deal with disappointment, yet again.  A lot is changing very quickly for me during this pregnancy, but one thing that has not, and will not change, is my empathy for every woman who experiences disappointment in her journey to motherhood.  I won’t take the gift I’ve been given for granted, and I won’t ever leave your side (unless you make me) as you continue traveling towards your happily ever after.  I know it is on the horizon.

3 comments: said...

Sorry to hear about your job... I hope you don't have to go through looking for another job :( Great that you're appetite and energy have returned... but be gentle on yourself - you're doing the most important 'job' ever of caring for your little one... to do list and chores can wait :)) Love always xoxo

China Doll said...

Don't feel bad about staying on the couch if that's what your body and instincts are telling you to do - we get so used to 'pushing through' and keeping going without a break that it's hard to get used to stopping and listening to what our bodies are saying. Hope things work out well with your job and so glad you're feeling healthier and hungrier! xx

Endo_Life said...

Fingers crossed for your job. If you feel like you need to stay on the couch then don't feel guilty you have to look after youself and the baby :O). 25 weeks has flown by!!